This is what I sound like as I drive along the highway. I look out on the trees, mountains, snow…everything I see, and I express my gratitude. It is seeing the world with new eyes.
I don't know how to explain it. I don't know what it means.
Perhaps it is similar to learning a new language. You say these wounds but they don't intuitively make any sense yet. You have to THINK about what you are saying and what you are hearing.
I am reaching out to hat is around me which pulls me out of my usual stance of "me vs the rest of the world".
Why have I always assumed that I was somehow not attached to everything else? Sure I have a boundary of my self, my body. But what don't we take in? I breath. I sense things. I eat. I am connected to everything, even other people's thoughts.
I used to think I was special, being able to tune into people. No. I am doing what everyone is capable of but perhaps is so distracted, forgot.
There are people who as soon as I met them, I want to get away from them. I used to feel had about that, that somehow I thought I was better than them, that I was acting superior. I used to feel bad that I wasn't able to deal with it.
I am beginning to understand what it was I was reacting to: the truth. Particle physics tells us that matter is energy. Why do we incorrectly assume that that does not apply to us? Apply to everything? Can you imagine everything being energy? Your emotions, thoughts, the ground, your house?
I know this sounds crazy but this isn't a simple "Oh everything is alive, look!" thing. Maybe it is.
I am a newbie to this perspective. I've been meditating, questioning, reading, studying most of my adult life. Did I think this is what it would lead me to? No way.
I was searching for a happy place outside of the world. A heaven of sorts where I would be in bliss.
What I am experiencing is being MORE intrenched in the world and other people. I feel more present, more alive, more capable of kindness. I am calmer. I am also quite perplexed.
What is this? I don't know.
I feel less alone. I feel less totally responsible for things. I am more a part of it all. Important still but not anymore so than anyone or anything else. It is becoming clearer and clearer that I am here to be me. But describing what that 'me' is, now that would be impossible to put into words.
The best I can do is say it is a shift of perspective, a refocusing of a camera lens, what was out of focus is clear and what was the clear center, is now background.
There is no difference (on some level) of who we are as individuals and the environment we are in.
If that is a shared experience, then the things we do, the thoughts we think, instantaneously affect where we are, those there and the place itself.
I know, this sounds weird. I know.
I also have this whispering fear that says "Now that you have asked for this wisdom, it was given, but you will also be given the opportunity to use it." Gulp, yikes.
I have made some decisions regrading this, including writing more and spring more time in nature. I've let go of more things…cleaning out my drawers and closet yesterday.
I am taking it slow. Baby steps. I am not sure I believe what is happening. I am at the earliest stage of whatever this is.
I have noticed that whatever quote I read, from whatever philosophy or religion, makes sense. Again, is like learning a language. I have found(?) a keystone to something. Things that I read as black and white letters now sing.
I look the same. I do the same things. Yet, something has changed.
Thank you and hello.
Friday, 27 December 2013
Monday, 23 December 2013
we
These days, I am using the word 'we' as I notice making rapid judgements on the world and everyone in it. "We look miserable" "We are in such a hurry" "We are ugly" "We are so overweight" "We are so addicted to drams" "We have no clue what life is all about".
I feel embarrassed that these judgments, but they pass through me as such a pace that they take me by surprise too.
I ask myself if I believe those thoughts? Most I don't. I also notice that they make me feel alone in the world, either superior or inferior but never equal. I am either better looking or uglier, smarter or dumber, more evolved or less evolved. It is competition from start to finish, excuse the pun.
As I sit in the middle of this busy store and cafe. I see 'we' are talking, laughing, smiling, wondering, drinking coffee, feeding our kids, taking photos. eating, typing,. We are sad faced, stressed faced, stone faeed…I wonder what all the thoughts are? Judgements of self and other fill this big space.
What can I do so as not to add to the over-flowing energies? Can I be still and not add to the soup? I cannot disappear. I can't stop the flow of thoughts. I can transform them…yes, I can do that much.
May we know peace and contentment. May we notice that we share the world with we. May we be aware of our negative and hurtful thoughts.
May we know we are love. May we open our hearts to we.
Everything LOOKS the same but it isn't.
I believe that what we think is energy we pour forth. There is no 'no energy' there is no 'no-thing' as quantum physics proved many many years ago.
We need a new story to include our new knowledge. We are inter-beings who think we are separate. There is no space between us, there is only another form of energy. (air=oxygen)
What is my new story, the story of 'we'. May is begin with 'we'. May the 'we' be with you. :)
we
These days, I am using the word 'we' as I notice making rapid judgements on the world and everyone in it. "We look miserable" "We are in such a hurry" "We are ugly" "We are so overweight" "We are so addicted to drams" "We have no clue what life is all about".
I feel embarrassed that these judgments, but they pass through me as such a pace that they take me by surprise too.
I ask myself if I believe those thoughts? Most I don't. I also notice that they make me feel alone in the world, either superior or inferior but never equal. I am either better looking or uglier, smarter or dumber, more evolved or less evolved. It is competition from start to finish, excuse the pun.
As I sit in the middle of this busy store and cafe. I see 'we' are talking, laughing, smiling, wondering, drinking coffee, feeding our kids, taking photos. eating, typing,. We are sad faced, stressed faced, stone faeed…I wonder what all the thoughts are? Judgements of self and other fill this big space.
What can I do so as not to add to the over-flowing energies? Can I be still and not add to the soup? I cannot disappear. I can't stop the flow of thoughts. I can transform them…yes, I can do that much.
May we know peace and contentment. May we notice that we share the world with we. May we be aware of our negative and hurtful thoughts.
May we know we are love. May we open our hearts to we.
Everything LOOKS the same but it isn't.
I believe that what we think is energy we pour forth. There is no 'no energy' there is no 'no-thing' as quantum physics proved many many years ago.
We need a new story to include our new knowledge. We are inter-beings who think we are separate. There is no space between us, there is only another form of energy. (air=oxygen)
What is my new story, the story of 'we'. May is begin with 'we'. May the 'we' be with you. :)
Saturday, 21 December 2013
love
Today is the winter solstice. One of my favorite days! I saw a photo of Stonehenge and the sun rising, the light coming through a narrow opening in a huge stone. Beauty.
This day has a very long history in the life of humans. Without scientific knowledge, we were moved to celebrate this day. We knew something was happening. The turning of the wheel (yule).
Nature has her own rhythms. We do ourselves (and others) a great disservice when we forget who we are, nature too. Our misalignments lead to suffering…we are not machines.
As I take the holiday seasons slower, I am amazed at how our culture demands exactly the opposite of what nature is singing. Nature, with her cold, is saying, "Slow down, breathe, stay warm," yet we are bombarded with "Go, go, go!" The music, the commercials, the false idea of a everyone having food, family and love. Shopping, shopping shopping. We are told this is love.
I watch people rushing, kids crying, people buying things and I am still. I am grateful for the stillness. It tells me there is nothing to prove, nothing to fix, nothing to make, nothing to pretend.
I shared this in my meditation group the other day and I'll share it again:
I saw the photo of the pope with his hand resting on top of a disfigured man's head (tumors all over his head due to an illness). This photo distills what love is. I cannot think of it without having a deep emotional reaction.
My reaction is this: that is what we are here for, to accept each other, to see beyond our vision, to move beyond our idea of "survival of the fittest" and "more for you means less for me, competition".
I cry not out of sadness of the ill man but at the humanity of someone touching him, touching his ugliness, reaching out with love.
This holy season of love, of coming out of the darkness and light returning, is summed up in that photo.
May we all reach out and touch our ugliness with love. May we all recognize the suffering of others and not look away. May we remember what it feels like to be lost and alone. May we move out of the world of 'ME" and into the real (natural) world of "WE". This is the lesson of life.
This day has a very long history in the life of humans. Without scientific knowledge, we were moved to celebrate this day. We knew something was happening. The turning of the wheel (yule).
Nature has her own rhythms. We do ourselves (and others) a great disservice when we forget who we are, nature too. Our misalignments lead to suffering…we are not machines.
As I take the holiday seasons slower, I am amazed at how our culture demands exactly the opposite of what nature is singing. Nature, with her cold, is saying, "Slow down, breathe, stay warm," yet we are bombarded with "Go, go, go!" The music, the commercials, the false idea of a everyone having food, family and love. Shopping, shopping shopping. We are told this is love.
I watch people rushing, kids crying, people buying things and I am still. I am grateful for the stillness. It tells me there is nothing to prove, nothing to fix, nothing to make, nothing to pretend.
I shared this in my meditation group the other day and I'll share it again:
I saw the photo of the pope with his hand resting on top of a disfigured man's head (tumors all over his head due to an illness). This photo distills what love is. I cannot think of it without having a deep emotional reaction.
My reaction is this: that is what we are here for, to accept each other, to see beyond our vision, to move beyond our idea of "survival of the fittest" and "more for you means less for me, competition".
I cry not out of sadness of the ill man but at the humanity of someone touching him, touching his ugliness, reaching out with love.
This holy season of love, of coming out of the darkness and light returning, is summed up in that photo.
May we all reach out and touch our ugliness with love. May we all recognize the suffering of others and not look away. May we remember what it feels like to be lost and alone. May we move out of the world of 'ME" and into the real (natural) world of "WE". This is the lesson of life.
Thursday, 19 December 2013
wintery mix
For the next few days, there will be rain, snow and ice. There is nothing worse than rain when we have snow on the ground. Wet snow…ugh!
I tell myself the weather affects everyone so I am not alone. It helps.
As for my moods of late…wintry mix of tears, sadness, and bewilderment.
Since Sunday, I have been off-center. I explained it to my boys as there are too many outlets plugged into an outlet. Something's gotta give and in the meantime, everything is dim.
I am dim-witted and talking to myself this week. I feel an overload of mental energy and something else that I can't put my finger on.
I know this will sound odd but I really feel as though I am going through some kind of change. Perceptions shifting, trying to see everyone and everything in a beautiful sense, letting go of old templates of my family.
The boys aren't boys anymore. I don't get to play Santa anymore. They have moved on to other things. I suppose the generations move on but I am beginning to see how it is to stand still while the younger generation ventures out.
What do I do now? I don't want to pretend. I don't want to do nothing. I don't want to make them feel bad, feel sorry for me. I don't want to feel sorry for myself.
Something new. I am considering going to help out with the community dinner 45 minutes away on Christmas. I could also go to a movie at 5pm. So all is not lost.
I am letting my kids choose what they want to do. I've never done that before. Christmas was always a stay-at-home family day. With the divorce and them wanting to be with friends, the old way is gone.
I am also unsure of myself these days. I am usually so in control and marching forward. These days I am like an injured bird, unable to fly and my wings hurt.
I am grappling with understanding what is the truth now. This transition time is like grief. You know someone died but it can't be true. It is too big to deal with in one step so you take in a little at a time. Like feeding a baby, you push the spoonful of mush into their mouths, they get some but not all, the rest is pushed out and you scoop it back on the spoon and again, put it into their mouth.
I am taking some in and pushing the rest out. I am in shock in some way. I hear myself say "Unbelievable" aloud. What is unbelievable, that things would change? My sons would grow up? I would grow older and ill? The family dynamic would change?
I thought I'd have more time. I thought it would happen so gradually that it would be okay.
I was wrong.
As I struggle to hold on to some sense of self and reality, I think of others and wish everyone peace and happiness. I am not sure what else to do. I don't want to come completely undone. I don't' want to upset anyone. I don't want to bother anyone. I want everyone to be okay and I am serious when I mean everyone. Perhaps then I will find some peace.
Peace and grace.
I tell myself the weather affects everyone so I am not alone. It helps.
As for my moods of late…wintry mix of tears, sadness, and bewilderment.
Since Sunday, I have been off-center. I explained it to my boys as there are too many outlets plugged into an outlet. Something's gotta give and in the meantime, everything is dim.
I am dim-witted and talking to myself this week. I feel an overload of mental energy and something else that I can't put my finger on.
I know this will sound odd but I really feel as though I am going through some kind of change. Perceptions shifting, trying to see everyone and everything in a beautiful sense, letting go of old templates of my family.
The boys aren't boys anymore. I don't get to play Santa anymore. They have moved on to other things. I suppose the generations move on but I am beginning to see how it is to stand still while the younger generation ventures out.
What do I do now? I don't want to pretend. I don't want to do nothing. I don't want to make them feel bad, feel sorry for me. I don't want to feel sorry for myself.
Something new. I am considering going to help out with the community dinner 45 minutes away on Christmas. I could also go to a movie at 5pm. So all is not lost.
I am letting my kids choose what they want to do. I've never done that before. Christmas was always a stay-at-home family day. With the divorce and them wanting to be with friends, the old way is gone.
I am also unsure of myself these days. I am usually so in control and marching forward. These days I am like an injured bird, unable to fly and my wings hurt.
I am grappling with understanding what is the truth now. This transition time is like grief. You know someone died but it can't be true. It is too big to deal with in one step so you take in a little at a time. Like feeding a baby, you push the spoonful of mush into their mouths, they get some but not all, the rest is pushed out and you scoop it back on the spoon and again, put it into their mouth.
I am taking some in and pushing the rest out. I am in shock in some way. I hear myself say "Unbelievable" aloud. What is unbelievable, that things would change? My sons would grow up? I would grow older and ill? The family dynamic would change?
I thought I'd have more time. I thought it would happen so gradually that it would be okay.
I was wrong.
As I struggle to hold on to some sense of self and reality, I think of others and wish everyone peace and happiness. I am not sure what else to do. I don't want to come completely undone. I don't' want to upset anyone. I don't want to bother anyone. I want everyone to be okay and I am serious when I mean everyone. Perhaps then I will find some peace.
Peace and grace.
Sunday, 15 December 2013
8 inches and counting...
It is pretty, the thick white covering of earth. Snow. A good day to write cards and decorate the tree too.
I have been experiencing grief and sadness. It is as though the scaffolding of my life is collapsing in slow motion. My "boys" are gone and they are not coming back. This is obvious to everyone, including myself, but I am just starting feel it.
It hurts. I fear I am not strong enough to withstand the flood of emotions: regrets for what I didn't do, anger for my mistakes, loneliness for having no one to cuddle with...no one to share things with. When the boys were younger, there was still magic in life. Now that they have entered into work and college schedules, the magic is gone.
None of my usual holiday rituals work anymore. They don't want to make cookies. They aren't thinking about cutting the tree. They are enjoying their freedom and look forward to spending time with friends.
So, I am alone.
My health has been shitting for weeks. I ignore it! I don't talk about it. I guess I hope it will disappear on its own.
I went for an eye exam last week as I needed a new script, my left eye vision is very blurry. After tests, my doctor says to me "I've never seen results like this, I can't figure out what is wrong with your left eye" I acted calm and matter-of-fact when she explained that she wanted me to see a neuro-opthamologist as there is something wrong with my optic nerve.
Great. Thanks.
I have an appt. in mid-Jan.
I can't run due to my knee. I knew the day would come when I wouldn't be able to push my knee anymore, has it come already? Fuck.
So, as you can see, I am clueless to why life is life.
I am not depressed but I am quiet and withdrawn. I am TIRED. I am not sure what the next step is anymore.
I go to my meditation groups and therapy. I keep the house clean. I do my errands.
Yesterday, for the first time ever, I went out into the woods, followed some deer tracks, then found a nice tree. I sawed it down and dragged it into the house. I even put it into the tree stand, although crooked.
I was happy doing it. I didn't want to wait for the boys or try to cheer them up and put them in a good mood so they would want to go for the tree.
This is my life now. I am on my own.
You know that horrible feeling you get when you've asked someone to do something with you and they agree...but then they have a negative attitude and you think to yourself "why did they come then?!"
That is how I feel these days. I don't want the responsibility of dragging others along or having to make sure their needs are met or being a therapist for them so they can feel better.
I guess, I'm am better off doing things on my own. There is no one to share them with BUT there is no one to carry on my back either.
I have a lot of crying to do, I can feel the huge lump in my throat.
Later today, I will put the lights on the tree and decorate it alone.
One son is at work all day today and the other s slept over his friend's house and they are going skiing. My sons are doing well and I really am thrilled for them.
I, on the other hand, am falling to pieces. What makes me sadder is that I have to pick up the pieces and paste myself back together again too.
I will focus on making a merry little christmas, doing the things that mean something to me. And perhaps I won't be so quick to paste myself back together again, maybe some parts needs to be left on the floor.
I have been experiencing grief and sadness. It is as though the scaffolding of my life is collapsing in slow motion. My "boys" are gone and they are not coming back. This is obvious to everyone, including myself, but I am just starting feel it.
It hurts. I fear I am not strong enough to withstand the flood of emotions: regrets for what I didn't do, anger for my mistakes, loneliness for having no one to cuddle with...no one to share things with. When the boys were younger, there was still magic in life. Now that they have entered into work and college schedules, the magic is gone.
None of my usual holiday rituals work anymore. They don't want to make cookies. They aren't thinking about cutting the tree. They are enjoying their freedom and look forward to spending time with friends.
So, I am alone.
My health has been shitting for weeks. I ignore it! I don't talk about it. I guess I hope it will disappear on its own.
I went for an eye exam last week as I needed a new script, my left eye vision is very blurry. After tests, my doctor says to me "I've never seen results like this, I can't figure out what is wrong with your left eye" I acted calm and matter-of-fact when she explained that she wanted me to see a neuro-opthamologist as there is something wrong with my optic nerve.
Great. Thanks.
I have an appt. in mid-Jan.
I can't run due to my knee. I knew the day would come when I wouldn't be able to push my knee anymore, has it come already? Fuck.
So, as you can see, I am clueless to why life is life.
I am not depressed but I am quiet and withdrawn. I am TIRED. I am not sure what the next step is anymore.
I go to my meditation groups and therapy. I keep the house clean. I do my errands.
Yesterday, for the first time ever, I went out into the woods, followed some deer tracks, then found a nice tree. I sawed it down and dragged it into the house. I even put it into the tree stand, although crooked.
I was happy doing it. I didn't want to wait for the boys or try to cheer them up and put them in a good mood so they would want to go for the tree.
This is my life now. I am on my own.
You know that horrible feeling you get when you've asked someone to do something with you and they agree...but then they have a negative attitude and you think to yourself "why did they come then?!"
That is how I feel these days. I don't want the responsibility of dragging others along or having to make sure their needs are met or being a therapist for them so they can feel better.
I guess, I'm am better off doing things on my own. There is no one to share them with BUT there is no one to carry on my back either.
I have a lot of crying to do, I can feel the huge lump in my throat.
Later today, I will put the lights on the tree and decorate it alone.
One son is at work all day today and the other s slept over his friend's house and they are going skiing. My sons are doing well and I really am thrilled for them.
I, on the other hand, am falling to pieces. What makes me sadder is that I have to pick up the pieces and paste myself back together again too.
I will focus on making a merry little christmas, doing the things that mean something to me. And perhaps I won't be so quick to paste myself back together again, maybe some parts needs to be left on the floor.
Thursday, 12 December 2013
my role
I had therapy today.
As I was talking to her about my son and what happened over the weekend, I said that I wasn't feeling anything. She said, "You're feeling something."
The truth is that I have cut off my feelings, they seem too much.
She also mentioned that while I was being clear about what my son's patterns were, I was also seeing some of my own.
My relationship patterns…hmm, that stopped me for a moment.
What do I do in my relationships? I am the caregiver, I am the savior. I listen, pay attention, offer suggestions on how to change things. People think my insights are amazing, for a while anyway. I sense people being off balance, disingenuous, lost.
People seem to like it at first. They count on me. They tell me how easy it is to talk to me. They notice my intuitive abilities to get to the bottom of a situation. I can 'read' people. I 'read' them.
Then, they don't like me so much anymore. I begin to get frustrated with their same old stories. It takes me a very long time, months…years, but finally one day I will say, "Why do you still keep doing the same thing an expecting the outcome to be different,"
I can now ask myself that same question. "Why do I keep doing the same thing expecting a different result?"
My first reaction is because sometimes it works. I've had success with my youngest son and with one friend. So, what I do isn't totally out of the question. Is it???
So the question becomes why don't I stop trying to help those who don't' want to be helped? Because I want them to be better for ME! I want more friends, more people to connect to, to share life with.
I find the people who are just beginning to realize that the life they are living isn't going to hold up forever. We have great conversations. I share with them what I am doing. I offer to lend them books. But sooner or later, they start to feel pressure from me or they start reacting as though I think I am better than them.
Do I think I am better than them? No, but I do think that I am working harder than they are? Yes, yes I do.
I don't want to stay the same. I am continuously challenging myself. I have done so since I was 19…pushing, pulling, questioning, wondering. It is a messing thing sometimes but I don't want to stop. I don't want to accept what is and say "oh well."
I am not trying to make things perfect, I don't believe that is possible. What I am doing is looking for the truth. I know this quest may never end and all I'll be left with is a lifetime of questioning but this is who I am. This is my bliss.
It's been a battle at times for me to keep going. I keep going. How have I failed to notice that this is not everyone's path? Just because people say they want things to change doesn't mean that they are willing to do something to change it. Some people will talk and complain about it their whole life. Some people will take it and take it and then, after a very long time, so something to change it.
Everyone has their timeline.
I have to stop assuming that what people say is also what they mean.
On another topic…
When I was driving today, I noticed how things looked in my review mirror. Is that where I spend my life, looking at where I have been? Am I assuming that life will be just more of the same?
Where is my focus? On what has been? Is this why I seem to meet the same kind of people? Is this why I can find a pattern in my relationships? Am I only getting close to people who remind me of people I have already met?
Am I open to new experiences, new people, new relationships? Do I think that I am only worth friendships that need me to 'save' the other person? Am I drawn to ill people so I can play dr?
This is not easy to look at but I know there is truth here.
How do I care for someone and not save them? What else am I good for? Do I think this is the only reason they like my anyway? Is this my hook to pull them in?
How sad is that? This reminds me of my family…wanting desperately to save them from themselves or from alcohol or from their spouses. I am not sure I know another way of showing how much I care.
Hmm…lots to think about. I am glad that I am heading out to meditation soon. Om.
As I was talking to her about my son and what happened over the weekend, I said that I wasn't feeling anything. She said, "You're feeling something."
The truth is that I have cut off my feelings, they seem too much.
She also mentioned that while I was being clear about what my son's patterns were, I was also seeing some of my own.
My relationship patterns…hmm, that stopped me for a moment.
What do I do in my relationships? I am the caregiver, I am the savior. I listen, pay attention, offer suggestions on how to change things. People think my insights are amazing, for a while anyway. I sense people being off balance, disingenuous, lost.
People seem to like it at first. They count on me. They tell me how easy it is to talk to me. They notice my intuitive abilities to get to the bottom of a situation. I can 'read' people. I 'read' them.
Then, they don't like me so much anymore. I begin to get frustrated with their same old stories. It takes me a very long time, months…years, but finally one day I will say, "Why do you still keep doing the same thing an expecting the outcome to be different,"
I can now ask myself that same question. "Why do I keep doing the same thing expecting a different result?"
My first reaction is because sometimes it works. I've had success with my youngest son and with one friend. So, what I do isn't totally out of the question. Is it???
So the question becomes why don't I stop trying to help those who don't' want to be helped? Because I want them to be better for ME! I want more friends, more people to connect to, to share life with.
I find the people who are just beginning to realize that the life they are living isn't going to hold up forever. We have great conversations. I share with them what I am doing. I offer to lend them books. But sooner or later, they start to feel pressure from me or they start reacting as though I think I am better than them.
Do I think I am better than them? No, but I do think that I am working harder than they are? Yes, yes I do.
I don't want to stay the same. I am continuously challenging myself. I have done so since I was 19…pushing, pulling, questioning, wondering. It is a messing thing sometimes but I don't want to stop. I don't want to accept what is and say "oh well."
I am not trying to make things perfect, I don't believe that is possible. What I am doing is looking for the truth. I know this quest may never end and all I'll be left with is a lifetime of questioning but this is who I am. This is my bliss.
It's been a battle at times for me to keep going. I keep going. How have I failed to notice that this is not everyone's path? Just because people say they want things to change doesn't mean that they are willing to do something to change it. Some people will talk and complain about it their whole life. Some people will take it and take it and then, after a very long time, so something to change it.
Everyone has their timeline.
I have to stop assuming that what people say is also what they mean.
On another topic…
When I was driving today, I noticed how things looked in my review mirror. Is that where I spend my life, looking at where I have been? Am I assuming that life will be just more of the same?
Where is my focus? On what has been? Is this why I seem to meet the same kind of people? Is this why I can find a pattern in my relationships? Am I only getting close to people who remind me of people I have already met?
Am I open to new experiences, new people, new relationships? Do I think that I am only worth friendships that need me to 'save' the other person? Am I drawn to ill people so I can play dr?
This is not easy to look at but I know there is truth here.
How do I care for someone and not save them? What else am I good for? Do I think this is the only reason they like my anyway? Is this my hook to pull them in?
How sad is that? This reminds me of my family…wanting desperately to save them from themselves or from alcohol or from their spouses. I am not sure I know another way of showing how much I care.
Hmm…lots to think about. I am glad that I am heading out to meditation soon. Om.
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
wounds
Saturday brought many things into focus, things that I wanted to remain fuzzy.
When do we know, for sure, that we shouldn't attempt to heal other people wounds anymore?
There is no 'for sure' is there?
I've been covering up for my son for months and months. I've told myself that he will snap out of this. I've poured my energy into pointing out to him how to bandage his wounds, how to see clearly, how to be real.
I have always been a person who easily, too easily, sees the potential in a situation or person. It is clear as day. I assume that they want to be that vision.
I've been through this with friends. They tell me that they want to be less depressed or they don't want to suffer anymore but when it comes time to do something different, something new, they refuse.
I stick around for months, years, waiting for them to make the shift. They don't. Then, I leave.
Why can't I stay? Why do I feel so much pain, for them, for me, for what is?
I believe what people say and ignore their actions. I make complicated excuses for them. I don't want to admit that they are not growing/learning because that would mean that I am not a good teacher, that I have failed to show them how to find peace in their life.
What is wrong with me? Am I so cold-hearted? Am I so impatient? Why can't I stay with someone when they are ripping apart their lives? Why can't I stay when they are making poor choices? Why can't I stay when they are telling me that this is the life they want to lead?
Why? Maybe because I entered the relationship in the first place to share my journey, my continuous path of learning, changing, evolving. That was their attraction to me too, wasn't it? Why were they friends with me? Did they expect me to change, to all of sudden NOT see?
What people like about me is this uncanny ability to see them, to know what is going on. They are shocked that I can see so clearly. They seem to want what I have to offer. They seek out my advice. And then, they don't. I stand there wondering what the hell to do.
I can't stay because I see a different reality. I see them being genuine and honest. I see them not bowing down to the weight of media/culture and other's expectations.
My son wants to be a sheep, following the crowd. He wants to hide himself and be this 'cool guy' who I don't recognize. He has made this secret life online. He is feeding off a pseudo-persona.
I bought him up to see beyond the trappings of this yet he wants it. He wouldn't be the first child to reject his upbringing, would he?
What I find most scary are the echoes of life with his father before we separated. The arguing, the tension, the silences, the impossibility of finding a common ground, and the lack of peace.
How do I relate to him now? I find what he is doing to be a grave injustice…to himself, to the family, to the world. How do I sit by and watch his phony actions and empty words.
Perhaps this happened a while ago and I didn't see it. I wouldn't accept it. I still don't want to know it.
What kind of mother am I? I am depleted. I am exhausted. What has all this work been for? He doesn't want it and I don't want to accept reality. It is right there and still I turn my head.
My house carries the air of death in it. Something has died.
When do we know, for sure, that we shouldn't attempt to heal other people wounds anymore?
There is no 'for sure' is there?
I've been covering up for my son for months and months. I've told myself that he will snap out of this. I've poured my energy into pointing out to him how to bandage his wounds, how to see clearly, how to be real.
I have always been a person who easily, too easily, sees the potential in a situation or person. It is clear as day. I assume that they want to be that vision.
I've been through this with friends. They tell me that they want to be less depressed or they don't want to suffer anymore but when it comes time to do something different, something new, they refuse.
I stick around for months, years, waiting for them to make the shift. They don't. Then, I leave.
Why can't I stay? Why do I feel so much pain, for them, for me, for what is?
I believe what people say and ignore their actions. I make complicated excuses for them. I don't want to admit that they are not growing/learning because that would mean that I am not a good teacher, that I have failed to show them how to find peace in their life.
What is wrong with me? Am I so cold-hearted? Am I so impatient? Why can't I stay with someone when they are ripping apart their lives? Why can't I stay when they are making poor choices? Why can't I stay when they are telling me that this is the life they want to lead?
Why? Maybe because I entered the relationship in the first place to share my journey, my continuous path of learning, changing, evolving. That was their attraction to me too, wasn't it? Why were they friends with me? Did they expect me to change, to all of sudden NOT see?
What people like about me is this uncanny ability to see them, to know what is going on. They are shocked that I can see so clearly. They seem to want what I have to offer. They seek out my advice. And then, they don't. I stand there wondering what the hell to do.
I can't stay because I see a different reality. I see them being genuine and honest. I see them not bowing down to the weight of media/culture and other's expectations.
My son wants to be a sheep, following the crowd. He wants to hide himself and be this 'cool guy' who I don't recognize. He has made this secret life online. He is feeding off a pseudo-persona.
I bought him up to see beyond the trappings of this yet he wants it. He wouldn't be the first child to reject his upbringing, would he?
What I find most scary are the echoes of life with his father before we separated. The arguing, the tension, the silences, the impossibility of finding a common ground, and the lack of peace.
How do I relate to him now? I find what he is doing to be a grave injustice…to himself, to the family, to the world. How do I sit by and watch his phony actions and empty words.
Perhaps this happened a while ago and I didn't see it. I wouldn't accept it. I still don't want to know it.
What kind of mother am I? I am depleted. I am exhausted. What has all this work been for? He doesn't want it and I don't want to accept reality. It is right there and still I turn my head.
My house carries the air of death in it. Something has died.
Saturday, 7 December 2013
Rudy
I woke up with ease today, wide awake and ready to go. I love mornings like this.
Alas, it didn't last the morning.
My son (18) and I have been on an emotional merry-go-round for about a year. It goes like this:
He seems fine for 2-3 days and then gets moody…then he gets more moody…then he blames every problem he ever had on the way he looks…then he compares himself with everyone else and always comes out a loser…and then he gets furious because I can't fix everything to his image of how he and everything else should be.
My pattern is to see him doing well…then see the mood and try to help him get back on track…I give him skills/choices (writing or therapy or go for a run)…I point out that he doesn't seem like himself…I am cheerful…then I get impatient…then I get more impatient…then, I lose my temper (sometimes I cry).
Today's scenario:
I am happy and sweeping out the back porch. He comes in and it is as though all the fresh air has been sucked out of the room. I am standing on the event horizon of a black hole. I do not want to react as I usually do because I don't want to be part of the problem anymore. I listen to him. I tell him how I feel (frustrated, hurt) about his lying. I go in my room and cry. Then, I leave to drop off garbage and recycle. I then drive down to NH to a cafe. I write for 90 minutes trying to see what is going on.
It comes to this:
I have been acting as though I am responsible for his thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I am not.
I have been believing that I could "turn him around." I can't.
I didn't want to see the truth of what he has been doing for months. I see it now.
I am very sad because I don't know anymore if I like him and that is a big no-no for a mother.
He is no longer a child yet not an adult. How to deal with him?
For now, I am going to focus on not accepting responsibility for what he does. I have been über responsible for too long. I am going to see what I have been doing that is not helping rather than see so clearly what he is doing wrong.
Which brings us to the title of today's blog:
I went into a thrift shop today and browsed around. This was a way to be around people as I didn't want to be alone nor did I want to go home. As I was leaving I found myself looking at teddy bears on a shelf. I do not recall even walking over there but there I was. He was sitting there, a VT teddy bear but an older version. He is darker and squatter and rounder. I needed a friend and there he was. I held onto him like you would a 9 month old and walked over to the cashier. $5. We walked to the car. I put him in the passenger seat.
"What should I call you?" I asked. There was no answer.
Later in the day I went to see the movie, The Book Thief. When I ran back to my car (it is SO cold here) and remembered my new friend, his name came to me, Rudy…RudyBear. Perfect!
(Rudy is the name of the good friend of the book thief character.) I too need a friend.
I put RudyBear on the left side of my lap and drove home under the crescent moon. I didn't feel alone. Hopefully, neither did Rudy.
Alas, it didn't last the morning.
My son (18) and I have been on an emotional merry-go-round for about a year. It goes like this:
He seems fine for 2-3 days and then gets moody…then he gets more moody…then he blames every problem he ever had on the way he looks…then he compares himself with everyone else and always comes out a loser…and then he gets furious because I can't fix everything to his image of how he and everything else should be.
My pattern is to see him doing well…then see the mood and try to help him get back on track…I give him skills/choices (writing or therapy or go for a run)…I point out that he doesn't seem like himself…I am cheerful…then I get impatient…then I get more impatient…then, I lose my temper (sometimes I cry).
Today's scenario:
I am happy and sweeping out the back porch. He comes in and it is as though all the fresh air has been sucked out of the room. I am standing on the event horizon of a black hole. I do not want to react as I usually do because I don't want to be part of the problem anymore. I listen to him. I tell him how I feel (frustrated, hurt) about his lying. I go in my room and cry. Then, I leave to drop off garbage and recycle. I then drive down to NH to a cafe. I write for 90 minutes trying to see what is going on.
It comes to this:
I have been acting as though I am responsible for his thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I am not.
I have been believing that I could "turn him around." I can't.
I didn't want to see the truth of what he has been doing for months. I see it now.
I am very sad because I don't know anymore if I like him and that is a big no-no for a mother.
He is no longer a child yet not an adult. How to deal with him?
For now, I am going to focus on not accepting responsibility for what he does. I have been über responsible for too long. I am going to see what I have been doing that is not helping rather than see so clearly what he is doing wrong.
Which brings us to the title of today's blog:
I went into a thrift shop today and browsed around. This was a way to be around people as I didn't want to be alone nor did I want to go home. As I was leaving I found myself looking at teddy bears on a shelf. I do not recall even walking over there but there I was. He was sitting there, a VT teddy bear but an older version. He is darker and squatter and rounder. I needed a friend and there he was. I held onto him like you would a 9 month old and walked over to the cashier. $5. We walked to the car. I put him in the passenger seat.
"What should I call you?" I asked. There was no answer.
Later in the day I went to see the movie, The Book Thief. When I ran back to my car (it is SO cold here) and remembered my new friend, his name came to me, Rudy…RudyBear. Perfect!
(Rudy is the name of the good friend of the book thief character.) I too need a friend.
I put RudyBear on the left side of my lap and drove home under the crescent moon. I didn't feel alone. Hopefully, neither did Rudy.
Wednesday, 4 December 2013
good news, bad news
Today I woke up in a panic. My chest was heavy and as I looked out my big bedroom bay window into the dark, all I could sense was fear. I saw it, tasted it, heard it. It enveloped me. Awake for less than a minute and life had me in a head lock, pinned down, unable to move.
I lay in bed wondering what was wrong with me. I rolled over and pulled up my down comforter. Safe.
It was not yet morning and I don't know if I ever felt so alone.
The day was packed: 8:15- appt at DHMC (hospital) for post breast surgery.
9:00 -appt for annual eye exam
10:45- fingerprinting at the police station for my work as a substitute at the school
Noon - therapeutic blood draw
2:00- therapy
3:30 - pick up son and go food shopping
How was I going to do this? My alarm was set for 6:10. I ran into the hall and put the heat on around 5:30. Back to bed for half an hour.
I don't know how but I got up, took a shower and got dressed. The less I thought the better. I imagined all the other people I know getting up for work. This is how people live every day.
My cat bella followed me around all morning, crying to be picked up. She sat over my left shoulder, her favorite place, and I walked around the house. I love her, she is my heart.
The good news of the day: Things look good with the breast and I'll have a 3D mammogram next year.
Bad news: The eye doctor is not sure why my tests are abnormal for eye pressure (25) and my left eye is drastically worse and seeing shadows of the letters on the eye test. "I've never seen results like this before," she said. I crossed my arms and thought, "Oh shit, here we go."
She wants me to see the neuro-opthamologist. Her first appt isn't until Jan 23th. They want to look at my optic nerve, etc.
Amazing.
I am upset because I want things to be different. I don't want to talk about medical stuff. I want to pretend I'm just gong through some stress and this will pass. I want to be able to run every day. I want my immune system to act properly. I want to pretend I am healthy.
I have pushed deep inside me a kind of rage, a screaming cry to let the heavens and hells know that I've had enough. ENOUGH!
I don't want to feel sorry for myself…I HATE THAT! I am stuck. Stuck between denial and not wanting to sound like a victim.
I give myself kudos point for pushing myself. I run when my knee aches. I clean the house when I am exhausted. I have gotten so good at not feeling my pain that the pain has to yell now. All I want to do is yell back. "I hate you!" but that isn't very kind of me, is it?
Pain doesn't have it in for me. Pain comes from something being wrong. I don't want to be wrong.
I feel so cut off from others. Yet, how do I know how many other people suffer in silence?
I listened to some Buddhist lectures in the car, stressing how we are all interconnected. I understand why it is important to be kind and helpful and patient. I failed at that this morning. All I could think of was my own fear and loneliness.
While I was waiting for my surgeon (20 minutes in that waiting room) I prayed for all the sick and hurting people in the hospital. I prayed for grace, contentment and peace. I envisioned sending out waves of peace to them. I didn't want any of them to suffer alone. I try. I try. I try.
Tonight I called my mother and told her the news. I started to giggle when I told her about my eye. It is funny, in a warped way. Here is another path for me to walk down.
Part of my life is dedicated to understanding what life is all about. I read a lot of philosophy. I have always been a deep intense thinker. I wonder. I try to figure out. I question. I observe. I wonder again.
I am digging and digging. I may not get anywhere but I am learning to be an excellent digger and I have piles and piles of dirt. ha!
I look around and wonder. I have no answers…but I go on. I still want to stop people from suffering. I still want to find my place. Maybe this is my place. Maybe my suffering is giving me the best opportunity to help others. I wonder...
I lay in bed wondering what was wrong with me. I rolled over and pulled up my down comforter. Safe.
It was not yet morning and I don't know if I ever felt so alone.
The day was packed: 8:15- appt at DHMC (hospital) for post breast surgery.
9:00 -appt for annual eye exam
10:45- fingerprinting at the police station for my work as a substitute at the school
Noon - therapeutic blood draw
2:00- therapy
3:30 - pick up son and go food shopping
How was I going to do this? My alarm was set for 6:10. I ran into the hall and put the heat on around 5:30. Back to bed for half an hour.
I don't know how but I got up, took a shower and got dressed. The less I thought the better. I imagined all the other people I know getting up for work. This is how people live every day.
My cat bella followed me around all morning, crying to be picked up. She sat over my left shoulder, her favorite place, and I walked around the house. I love her, she is my heart.
The good news of the day: Things look good with the breast and I'll have a 3D mammogram next year.
Bad news: The eye doctor is not sure why my tests are abnormal for eye pressure (25) and my left eye is drastically worse and seeing shadows of the letters on the eye test. "I've never seen results like this before," she said. I crossed my arms and thought, "Oh shit, here we go."
She wants me to see the neuro-opthamologist. Her first appt isn't until Jan 23th. They want to look at my optic nerve, etc.
Amazing.
I am upset because I want things to be different. I don't want to talk about medical stuff. I want to pretend I'm just gong through some stress and this will pass. I want to be able to run every day. I want my immune system to act properly. I want to pretend I am healthy.
I have pushed deep inside me a kind of rage, a screaming cry to let the heavens and hells know that I've had enough. ENOUGH!
I don't want to feel sorry for myself…I HATE THAT! I am stuck. Stuck between denial and not wanting to sound like a victim.
I give myself kudos point for pushing myself. I run when my knee aches. I clean the house when I am exhausted. I have gotten so good at not feeling my pain that the pain has to yell now. All I want to do is yell back. "I hate you!" but that isn't very kind of me, is it?
Pain doesn't have it in for me. Pain comes from something being wrong. I don't want to be wrong.
I feel so cut off from others. Yet, how do I know how many other people suffer in silence?
I listened to some Buddhist lectures in the car, stressing how we are all interconnected. I understand why it is important to be kind and helpful and patient. I failed at that this morning. All I could think of was my own fear and loneliness.
While I was waiting for my surgeon (20 minutes in that waiting room) I prayed for all the sick and hurting people in the hospital. I prayed for grace, contentment and peace. I envisioned sending out waves of peace to them. I didn't want any of them to suffer alone. I try. I try. I try.
Tonight I called my mother and told her the news. I started to giggle when I told her about my eye. It is funny, in a warped way. Here is another path for me to walk down.
Part of my life is dedicated to understanding what life is all about. I read a lot of philosophy. I have always been a deep intense thinker. I wonder. I try to figure out. I question. I observe. I wonder again.
I am digging and digging. I may not get anywhere but I am learning to be an excellent digger and I have piles and piles of dirt. ha!
I look around and wonder. I have no answers…but I go on. I still want to stop people from suffering. I still want to find my place. Maybe this is my place. Maybe my suffering is giving me the best opportunity to help others. I wonder...
Monday, 2 December 2013
sharing
I went to my meditation group tonight and shared a 20 minute lecture of Bob Thurman's. (We usually listen to 20 minutes of Thich Nhat Hahn. )
I had the sense that no one in the group was thrilled with it. One person even shared that his mind was racing with "This guy talks too much". I felt a balloon deflate within me. Even in a Buddhist meditation group, I'm an odd duck?
I LOVE Thurman. He speaks to me so deeply and I wanted others to like him too.
What am I doing? Why do I think I need to open people's minds? Why did I offer to share the CDs?
I feel foolish. I feel vulnerable. I feel disappointed.
I had a tough day yesterday with my oldest son who insists on believing things that are not true. I see how upset he gets when he starts with his story, "I should be doing better. I should be doing more. My mother keeps me on a short leash." Yada, yada, yada. I've heard this TOO MANY times. It still isn't true.
From my perspective, I see him throwing away so many wonderful things. He just won't accept who he is and find happiness with what is.
I am having a tough time accepting his behaviors. He is 18 and thinks that somehow having a birthday entitles him to be treated like an adult. He wants all the perks and NONE of the responsibility. Amazing. I can't count on him to keep his room tidy nevertheless wake up with his alarm.
I wrote a lot last night so I could get clear about what is going on. I was sad to see what was going on. I need to see what he is doing and stop making excuses for him. I am care-taking too much. I understand that he may want a different lifestyle but then, he needs to figure out how he is going to pay for all of it.
I told him I am done doing his wash, waking him up, letting him use my car, washing his dishes and having to remind him several times a day to do his share of the chores. DONE.
I cleaned the house today with the help of my 16 yr old while MR. I AM 18 NOW, slept until 11am.
I am not going to ask him for help anymore. I am adjusting to WHAT IS. I told him, it is up to him now. He can take care of himself. I also told him he can no longer use my car. DONE.
I am still angry at him because he is causing havoc and chaos in the family but all I can do is stay clear and not get sucked up into the 'soap opera' story lines.
I never thought this would happen but it has. I am not sure how long it will last or if things will ever go back to what they once were. I can only deal with what IS happening and do it to the best of my ability. I find myself saying, "Unbelievable!" but I need to tell myself that it is very believable.
Motherhood is difficult and challenging! I am very tired.
I don't understand what he is doing. It seems so clear that he is making himself miserable. I can't save the world. I can't save my own son from suffering. All I can do is do what needs to be done, be honest. pray, meditate, and take care of what I can.
I feel very alone. This too shall pass, eh?
I had the sense that no one in the group was thrilled with it. One person even shared that his mind was racing with "This guy talks too much". I felt a balloon deflate within me. Even in a Buddhist meditation group, I'm an odd duck?
I LOVE Thurman. He speaks to me so deeply and I wanted others to like him too.
What am I doing? Why do I think I need to open people's minds? Why did I offer to share the CDs?
I feel foolish. I feel vulnerable. I feel disappointed.
I had a tough day yesterday with my oldest son who insists on believing things that are not true. I see how upset he gets when he starts with his story, "I should be doing better. I should be doing more. My mother keeps me on a short leash." Yada, yada, yada. I've heard this TOO MANY times. It still isn't true.
From my perspective, I see him throwing away so many wonderful things. He just won't accept who he is and find happiness with what is.
I am having a tough time accepting his behaviors. He is 18 and thinks that somehow having a birthday entitles him to be treated like an adult. He wants all the perks and NONE of the responsibility. Amazing. I can't count on him to keep his room tidy nevertheless wake up with his alarm.
I wrote a lot last night so I could get clear about what is going on. I was sad to see what was going on. I need to see what he is doing and stop making excuses for him. I am care-taking too much. I understand that he may want a different lifestyle but then, he needs to figure out how he is going to pay for all of it.
I told him I am done doing his wash, waking him up, letting him use my car, washing his dishes and having to remind him several times a day to do his share of the chores. DONE.
I cleaned the house today with the help of my 16 yr old while MR. I AM 18 NOW, slept until 11am.
I am not going to ask him for help anymore. I am adjusting to WHAT IS. I told him, it is up to him now. He can take care of himself. I also told him he can no longer use my car. DONE.
I am still angry at him because he is causing havoc and chaos in the family but all I can do is stay clear and not get sucked up into the 'soap opera' story lines.
I never thought this would happen but it has. I am not sure how long it will last or if things will ever go back to what they once were. I can only deal with what IS happening and do it to the best of my ability. I find myself saying, "Unbelievable!" but I need to tell myself that it is very believable.
Motherhood is difficult and challenging! I am very tired.
I don't understand what he is doing. It seems so clear that he is making himself miserable. I can't save the world. I can't save my own son from suffering. All I can do is do what needs to be done, be honest. pray, meditate, and take care of what I can.
I feel very alone. This too shall pass, eh?
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
mirror image
I had a strong dream a few nights ago. So much so that the image has stayed with me day after day.
In the dream I am in the changing room of a large upscale department store. I am getting ready for a date and when I've changed my clothes, put on some lipstick and tousled my hair, I look into the mirror. I do not recognize myself. I look like a Frida Kahlo self portrait except my mouth and lips are larger and more deep red, my eye brows do not touch and I have no facial hair. The colors are so similar to an older portrait of Kahlo's, it is eery.
I try to remove some of the paint, but then my teeth show with no lips so I realize I can't rub it away. When I look closely in the mirror I see hairline fractures, tiny cracks, on the surface.
The paint colors are bold and I have no subtleness or beauty. I am rendered harshly and without care, love.
I remark to myself in the dream that the solid color of my skin is unnatural, there is no brown shade like that in nature. None of it is real. Bold stokes, flat lifeless colors, and unrealistic.
I am not sure why the dream's image bothers me so. I find it ugly…grotesque and it disturbs me.
I had this dream 2 days before I left for a week long trip to my mother's for the holiday week. It also come to me as I am reading a new Buddhist book and my thoughts are often in deep places trying to figure out what is what. I had an idea the other day that I cannot use my mind to figure out my mind. That stopped me thinking! hahaha
I am at my mom's and very conscious of being grateful to her, my two sons and life. It feels as though I am going through a shift, a change and all I can do is go for the ride. Thinking of a river, I am floating along and seem to be coming upon rapids. Somehow I know I'll be okay and yet, something also tells me that I won't be the same when all is done.
We'll see.
In the dream I am in the changing room of a large upscale department store. I am getting ready for a date and when I've changed my clothes, put on some lipstick and tousled my hair, I look into the mirror. I do not recognize myself. I look like a Frida Kahlo self portrait except my mouth and lips are larger and more deep red, my eye brows do not touch and I have no facial hair. The colors are so similar to an older portrait of Kahlo's, it is eery.
I try to remove some of the paint, but then my teeth show with no lips so I realize I can't rub it away. When I look closely in the mirror I see hairline fractures, tiny cracks, on the surface.
The paint colors are bold and I have no subtleness or beauty. I am rendered harshly and without care, love.
I remark to myself in the dream that the solid color of my skin is unnatural, there is no brown shade like that in nature. None of it is real. Bold stokes, flat lifeless colors, and unrealistic.
I am not sure why the dream's image bothers me so. I find it ugly…grotesque and it disturbs me.
I had this dream 2 days before I left for a week long trip to my mother's for the holiday week. It also come to me as I am reading a new Buddhist book and my thoughts are often in deep places trying to figure out what is what. I had an idea the other day that I cannot use my mind to figure out my mind. That stopped me thinking! hahaha
I am at my mom's and very conscious of being grateful to her, my two sons and life. It feels as though I am going through a shift, a change and all I can do is go for the ride. Thinking of a river, I am floating along and seem to be coming upon rapids. Somehow I know I'll be okay and yet, something also tells me that I won't be the same when all is done.
We'll see.
Friday, 22 November 2013
receiving
I went to my newest meditation group on Monday. It is only 5 miles away and living in rural VT, that's like saying it is right outside my front door.
I like it because the lights are very low with a candle in the middle of our circle. There are about 8 of us, men and women. A nice balanced group.
So now I attend Mondays and Thursdays. The groups couldn't be more different and yet, I love them both.
After 40 min of meditation, we do a very brief walking meditation. So, I did the slow walk thing and then sat back down on my cushion/stool thing, but rather than do my normal hands together posture, I opened them up, palms down and rested them on my knees.
My mind told me that that is not right. "This is how meditation is done!" I ignored the meditation commando in my mind and just sat. I sat. I breathed. I let me hands remain open.
I have been thinking about that all week. Why the shift? I don't know.
At Thursday's meditation, I couldn't get comfortable. I starting moving...then nothing felt right. I was not being peaceful and I was aggravating myself. (So much so, that 2 people down from me, the guy who kept swallowing loudly, but pissing me off too.)
What finally helped? Opening my hands again, this time one holding the other as though I was waiting for it to be filled. Hmm...
I am not an experienced receiver. I am a professional giver. I can caretake with the best of them. My innate ability to sense people, that lovely highly developed intuitiveness of mine, well it never got a lot of practice in figuring out to stay still and open up. It feels too vulnerable because what would I do if nothing came? What if I just sat there with my hands open and no one filled them or even noticed?
This concept of emptiness has been rolling around in my mind like a marble stuck in a small toy. Why do things need to be full? Why don't I appreciate emptiness? Those spaces in between.
I put 2 tiny empty bowls on a shelf in the living room. Normally I would find something to full them up with but not this time. They are empty. I find that beautiful.
My experience of meditation has been similar. I have been emptying out ideas, thoughts, beliefs that no longer are true for me. I've been looking at my hard-wired core and asking simple questions, like, "Is that true?" "Do I believe that anymore" "Who told me that anyway?"
We are changing all the time. We see it in children most easily but all of us are changing. It is easy to get stuck in old stories, beliefs, thoughts.
I am letting go of things that no longer serve a true and healthy purpose. I am allowing them to die so they may recycle/transmute/whatever into something else. I am opening my hands to let go.
No more grasping, it doesn't make me stronger anyway. I am fine without holding on.
Look! I'm standing all on my own. It's okay. I'm okay. How nice is that?
I like it because the lights are very low with a candle in the middle of our circle. There are about 8 of us, men and women. A nice balanced group.
So now I attend Mondays and Thursdays. The groups couldn't be more different and yet, I love them both.
After 40 min of meditation, we do a very brief walking meditation. So, I did the slow walk thing and then sat back down on my cushion/stool thing, but rather than do my normal hands together posture, I opened them up, palms down and rested them on my knees.
My mind told me that that is not right. "This is how meditation is done!" I ignored the meditation commando in my mind and just sat. I sat. I breathed. I let me hands remain open.
I have been thinking about that all week. Why the shift? I don't know.
At Thursday's meditation, I couldn't get comfortable. I starting moving...then nothing felt right. I was not being peaceful and I was aggravating myself. (So much so, that 2 people down from me, the guy who kept swallowing loudly, but pissing me off too.)
What finally helped? Opening my hands again, this time one holding the other as though I was waiting for it to be filled. Hmm...
I am not an experienced receiver. I am a professional giver. I can caretake with the best of them. My innate ability to sense people, that lovely highly developed intuitiveness of mine, well it never got a lot of practice in figuring out to stay still and open up. It feels too vulnerable because what would I do if nothing came? What if I just sat there with my hands open and no one filled them or even noticed?
This concept of emptiness has been rolling around in my mind like a marble stuck in a small toy. Why do things need to be full? Why don't I appreciate emptiness? Those spaces in between.
I put 2 tiny empty bowls on a shelf in the living room. Normally I would find something to full them up with but not this time. They are empty. I find that beautiful.
My experience of meditation has been similar. I have been emptying out ideas, thoughts, beliefs that no longer are true for me. I've been looking at my hard-wired core and asking simple questions, like, "Is that true?" "Do I believe that anymore" "Who told me that anyway?"
We are changing all the time. We see it in children most easily but all of us are changing. It is easy to get stuck in old stories, beliefs, thoughts.
I am letting go of things that no longer serve a true and healthy purpose. I am allowing them to die so they may recycle/transmute/whatever into something else. I am opening my hands to let go.
No more grasping, it doesn't make me stronger anyway. I am fine without holding on.
Look! I'm standing all on my own. It's okay. I'm okay. How nice is that?
Wednesday, 13 November 2013
writing
I emailed this to a friend a week or so ago:
"I find a lot of people have long ago buried their passion, their bliss, their truth. Now is the time to take it up again and have it be enough.
I, for one, am tired of waiting for permission. I am misaligned because I don't remember who I am or what my bliss is. It is my responsibility, to myself, to the universe really, to claim myself and run with it."
I seem to pouring out with words online of late. I don't know what is going on but I am going with the flow.
It was really cold, bitter cold in these parts last night. Oh, I remember cold now. I woke up at 5am, put wood in the stove and made a cup of tea. I sat in the darkened room with only a short string of white lights for illumination. The sky slowing showing herself in contrast to the trees. I stretched out on the couch, warm, dreamy and content. I feel asleep.
When I woke up, I knew it was a running day. I was up and dressed and out the door by 8:30. It was a happy run. I didn't have a lot of energy (even though I ate 1/3 of a banana) but I was joyful. I must of broken out in a smile, grin or giggle a dozen or so times.
My favorite part of my run is the last 1/4 miles. I am on a side street with trees and I think there is a slight decline in the road. As I was running (gingerly still, the knee is far from 100%) I thought. "I am not running through space, reality and time, I am moving with everything. The ocean swells, we do not say the swell is moving or cutting through the ocean"
Yes, these are the type of thoughts I have throughout the day, whether running or driving or washing dishes. I am a thinker, dreamer, seeker...I am always wondering about deep things. I am becoming less and less ashamed of this nature of mine. I don't know a lot of people similar to me. Perhaps that is why I never embraced it. I wanted to fit in.
I am learning to fit in with nature, my nature, reality's nature, nature's nature. I find I am more able to accept other people's nature too.
I have no one to fight or push. There is nothing standing in the way of acceptance and fully embracing what is. I am less moved by the rush of life. I am turning in, tuning in, to what feels natural for me at that moment.
I don't have to run, hide, or bargain. Breathing, all is well.
On my run today I felt free and yet there was no me, just the running, the joy, and the peace in knowing it's other than we think. Heaven is indeed spread upon the earth. We are part of earth and she is us. Nowhere to go, no one to be, nothing to say. Listen. Ah, the beauty of home, everywhere.
Sunday, 10 November 2013
food is food...aha!
I wrote this this morning. I reread it tonight and thought "Wow, did I write that?" Here it is: (lots going on with me today)
I ran this morning!!!!!!! I took it slow. I woke up to 2 inches on snow here at 7am and my body/soul were itching to go run through it. Ah nature, how serene and beautiful.
I had one of thos 'aha' moments this morning while enjoying tea by the woodstove. The rest of the house was sleeping still. It was this...
Food is not my mother (love)
not my lover (comfort, fullness)
not my father (stern, judgmental, punishing)
not my friend (connection)
It is food. It is neutral. What I bring to it, I make it. When I hate myself it is a weapon to beat myself with. When I am bored, it it a playmate. When I feel empty, it fills me up so full I can't feel anymore. When I am happy, I gift myself with it.
Yet...it is just food. It goes in my mouth, gets digested (or not) and I poop and pee it out. Those are the facts mam.
Funny eh, what I have projected on food? What I have done to a neutral substance?
I have been fully enjoying my food, as per suggested in 'Yoga of Eating' book. What a difference to be aware and awake while eating. It is so simple. Where have I been all these years?
I am coming home to myself. I don't care to beat myself. I don't care to judge myself. I don't need constant watching. I am not in prison.
I am me. Just me. A wave on the ocean on life. In a form so I can reach and connect to others. This wave is here for a limited time. I see other waves, yet we are all ocean. Rest in the womb of ocean/mother. We are not just a wave...we are the ocean too.
May peace be upon you.
Snowy Sunday Morn
(an email i sent to my brother)
Good morning,
I had time to sit by the wood stove and drink my tea. I cried as I felt so at peace with myself and the world. What more do I need?
These following thoughts about you came pouring through me...so I am sharing them:
Matt, You have more love inside you that you can imagine. It is all squeezed into a tiny room. You only need to turn the handle and open the door.
Yes, you are all the things you have done and said but you are also still the innocent child who wants his mother to love and protect him. The boy who wants his father to be proud of him and show him how the world works.
Unleashing the love you hide and protect will help you forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for hurting yourself, for ignoring yourself, for beating yourself up, for the yelling, the silence, the running away, the blaming everyone else, blaming the world.
Sitting with yourself, remembering your kindness and your tender heart, you can let your love fill you up. You can love yourself like a mother loves their baby. You can love yourself like a proud pappa as he holds his tiny son in his big arms. You can love yourself like a brother, a sister, and a friend. You are more than capable of this. You have just forgotten that what you are so frantically searching for is already inside you. You never lost it. It nveer went anywhere, it cannot die.
That tiny grain of sand of love, that tiny light is to be found in you.
Ask for forgiveness from the universe and it is immediately given. You do not have to push, pull, debate, and bargain with yourself. Stop. Breath. Look.
You are nature, you cannot be separated.
You don't have to hid, run away, distract, exhaust yourself anymore. You are not alone. It is not possible.
Embrace the boy who loves his mother, father, sisters and brother. You didn't do anything wrong. You've been searching in the dark and have been confused, lost and bumping into things.
Make a list of all the things you have done or said that you no longer want to carry. Read it aloud to the ocean or something. Then, let it go. Burn it, bury it...let nature take care of it for you.
Let it go. Start fresh. You have so much to give. It is by helping others that we truly feel alive. Why else are we all here if not to be ourselves and share that incredible beauty/talent/skill with others.
I see beautiful things in you Matt. Forgive yourself, embrace yourself and live for the love of a child. That child is you.
Love, Patty xo
Good morning,
I had time to sit by the wood stove and drink my tea. I cried as I felt so at peace with myself and the world. What more do I need?
These following thoughts about you came pouring through me...so I am sharing them:
Matt, You have more love inside you that you can imagine. It is all squeezed into a tiny room. You only need to turn the handle and open the door.
Yes, you are all the things you have done and said but you are also still the innocent child who wants his mother to love and protect him. The boy who wants his father to be proud of him and show him how the world works.
Unleashing the love you hide and protect will help you forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for hurting yourself, for ignoring yourself, for beating yourself up, for the yelling, the silence, the running away, the blaming everyone else, blaming the world.
Sitting with yourself, remembering your kindness and your tender heart, you can let your love fill you up. You can love yourself like a mother loves their baby. You can love yourself like a proud pappa as he holds his tiny son in his big arms. You can love yourself like a brother, a sister, and a friend. You are more than capable of this. You have just forgotten that what you are so frantically searching for is already inside you. You never lost it. It nveer went anywhere, it cannot die.
That tiny grain of sand of love, that tiny light is to be found in you.
Ask for forgiveness from the universe and it is immediately given. You do not have to push, pull, debate, and bargain with yourself. Stop. Breath. Look.
You are nature, you cannot be separated.
You don't have to hid, run away, distract, exhaust yourself anymore. You are not alone. It is not possible.
Embrace the boy who loves his mother, father, sisters and brother. You didn't do anything wrong. You've been searching in the dark and have been confused, lost and bumping into things.
Make a list of all the things you have done or said that you no longer want to carry. Read it aloud to the ocean or something. Then, let it go. Burn it, bury it...let nature take care of it for you.
Let it go. Start fresh. You have so much to give. It is by helping others that we truly feel alive. Why else are we all here if not to be ourselves and share that incredible beauty/talent/skill with others.
I see beautiful things in you Matt. Forgive yourself, embrace yourself and live for the love of a child. That child is you.
Love, Patty xo
Saturday, 9 November 2013
Saturday pumpkin
I had a craving for pumpkin so off I went to the store to buy organic pumpkin in a can. I stirred in ginger, nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves, eggs, organic cream and maple syrup. I cooked it on the stove.
YUM.
On my second bowl, I realized I was feeding myself babyhood. ha! I needed it.
Yesterday was my first day feeling like ME again. I am still shocked at how hard my ass was kicked from the surgery. I did not see that coming. I was THAT tired. My body was THAT tired.
Today the bandages came off and it was not as bad as I had feared. It's about an inch and a half long and still has healing to do. I still get zingers of pain here and there but it is getting better.
I woke up last Monday morning and cried most of the morning. I don't know why. It was too big to put into words so all I could do was cry. I cried walking into the bathroom, brushng my teeth, making my bed, getting dressed. I was upset, sad, and depleted of energy.
I walked outside and went right up to my former husband and said, "I can't live like this anymore," and then I said some other things-while crying-that I can't remember. There was something about asking him why he is so mad all the time and another thing about the boys being upset.
The end result was that he agreed to move back into the addition so I can move back into the main house, EUREKA!
How that happened, I do not know. It was not my intention. I just couldn't stand the tension in the house anymore. It was filled with silent angst. The family was fragmented.
I was so grateful that I hugged him and thanked him several times. He seemed shocked.
Since Monday, I have been content. It took me 5 days to put all my stuff away and fix up the kitchen, living room, sunroom and bathroom but I did it.
I am happy to cook in my kitchen. I am happy to be home. I know this is not forever but for now it is bliss, plain and simple.
He is not paying for me at all and I have money for another 2 weeks but somehow, someway, this will work out. I have faith. Faith in life. Faith in people. Faith in myself.
Life is good. May it also be with everyone else too.
YUM.
On my second bowl, I realized I was feeding myself babyhood. ha! I needed it.
Yesterday was my first day feeling like ME again. I am still shocked at how hard my ass was kicked from the surgery. I did not see that coming. I was THAT tired. My body was THAT tired.
Today the bandages came off and it was not as bad as I had feared. It's about an inch and a half long and still has healing to do. I still get zingers of pain here and there but it is getting better.
I woke up last Monday morning and cried most of the morning. I don't know why. It was too big to put into words so all I could do was cry. I cried walking into the bathroom, brushng my teeth, making my bed, getting dressed. I was upset, sad, and depleted of energy.
I walked outside and went right up to my former husband and said, "I can't live like this anymore," and then I said some other things-while crying-that I can't remember. There was something about asking him why he is so mad all the time and another thing about the boys being upset.
The end result was that he agreed to move back into the addition so I can move back into the main house, EUREKA!
How that happened, I do not know. It was not my intention. I just couldn't stand the tension in the house anymore. It was filled with silent angst. The family was fragmented.
I was so grateful that I hugged him and thanked him several times. He seemed shocked.
Since Monday, I have been content. It took me 5 days to put all my stuff away and fix up the kitchen, living room, sunroom and bathroom but I did it.
I am happy to cook in my kitchen. I am happy to be home. I know this is not forever but for now it is bliss, plain and simple.
He is not paying for me at all and I have money for another 2 weeks but somehow, someway, this will work out. I have faith. Faith in life. Faith in people. Faith in myself.
Life is good. May it also be with everyone else too.
Thursday, 31 October 2013
post-surgery
I had a lumpectomy Tuesday morning, left breast. The surgeon just called to tell me that there is no cancer, only some more of those precancerous cells. I'll see her again in a few weeks.
In the meantime I am in pain. I cried for over an hour last night. Finally the pain medicine kicked in and I slept...for 11 hours. I guess I was tired.
It has been a whirlwind for a few weeks. Now, I can rest? I hope so.
It's rainy and cold and grey here in VT.
I have ice on my breast and my head feels full of cotton but this breast thing is over. Closure.
I called my mom and emailed a few people closest to me. I owed it to them to tell them asap,
I am exhausted. Now I can go back to bed. BED! Happy Halloween too. :)
In the meantime I am in pain. I cried for over an hour last night. Finally the pain medicine kicked in and I slept...for 11 hours. I guess I was tired.
It has been a whirlwind for a few weeks. Now, I can rest? I hope so.
It's rainy and cold and grey here in VT.
I have ice on my breast and my head feels full of cotton but this breast thing is over. Closure.
I called my mom and emailed a few people closest to me. I owed it to them to tell them asap,
I am exhausted. Now I can go back to bed. BED! Happy Halloween too. :)
Saturday, 19 October 2013
emptiness
I had a lot of dreams last night although I cannot recall them, only glances. I woke up looking forward to taking a shower. ( I took off my pressure bandage from the biopsies last night.) I am still sore and it looks black and blue on the breast, but I think the worst of the pain is over.
It felt good to be clean. I headed out for my morning coffee, checked the mail and went for a short walk in town. I miss running but the walk was nice.
I came home by 9:30 to watch the live stream of the Dalai Lama's teaching in NYC. I brought my laptop into the kitchen so I could listen while processing all of my dried herbs from this year's garden. The smells were fabulous: sage, thyme, sacred basil (tulsi tea), rosemary, and chamomile.
I cleaned the kitchen too. It felt good to have energy.
I decided some big things today. I am not going to accept the job offer from the hospital. I have several logical reasons to accept but my intuition tells me it is not the job for me. I type this easily but it has been a very difficult decision. I am breaking new patterns by not grabbing at the first things offered to me. The voice in my head says, "You have to take it. What if another job offer doesn't come? What will people think? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE BY SAYING NO?"
Amazing to see all the snakes slither out of the grass as I decide not to take this job.
I am also coming to terms with the biopsy results. I honestly thought I had cancer and didn't realize how much I had already prepared for the bad news.
I'll have to see a new doctor soon and they are recommending a surgical biopsy to make sure all of the surrounding tissue is healthy. I have 2 surgical clips in the breast (I didn't know that a few days ago) so they will know exactly where to go.
I am not looking forward to day-surgery but I am assuming it will put an end to this diagnosis. Strict follow every 6 months for 2 years too.
I am an odd person. I am realizing I fear life in a way that most people fear death. I am scared. I am unsure of myself. I feel sad about all the suffering in the world.
Listening to the Dalai Lama today, I heard him talk about something I have read about: emptiness. Not like an empty box but more like, no absolute solidity that is separate from everything else. Meaning that there is no "Patty" particle somewhere in my body. There is no hidden table particle in a table, that makes it a table.
So I am flirting around with this idea of emptiness and finding it surprisingly calming to me. I don't need to take myself so darn seriously. I am part of the universe, not the center of it. The truth is what it is. I don't need to argue with it. Fighting with it, to find what I WANT, is silly and it hurts.
I end up miserable like a lot of other people because life didn't work out for me. Me? Why should it work out for just me?
I feel a very strong connection with the world, with other people. I feel hurt and sad when I see people who are unhappy. I smile at people. I send them prayers when I see them. I attempt to be kind whenever I can.
I feel so part of all this...life, and yet I also look to run away from it, to be done, safe. Why do I assume that death would make any of that easier? I have no clue what happens at death. But if there is any continuation of my soul (spirit or consciousness) I will still be wanting to stop other's suffering as well as seeking my own inner peace.
I read yesterday, world peace begins with inner peace. I don't know how to create world peace but I can work on inner peace. It starts with accepting the truth. The truth of my fears, my worries, my joys and my biopsy results. I am staying in the now. Breathing. I am ok. My peace adds to the big peace. I can do something to help and that makes me grateful to be alive.
It felt good to be clean. I headed out for my morning coffee, checked the mail and went for a short walk in town. I miss running but the walk was nice.
I came home by 9:30 to watch the live stream of the Dalai Lama's teaching in NYC. I brought my laptop into the kitchen so I could listen while processing all of my dried herbs from this year's garden. The smells were fabulous: sage, thyme, sacred basil (tulsi tea), rosemary, and chamomile.
I cleaned the kitchen too. It felt good to have energy.
I decided some big things today. I am not going to accept the job offer from the hospital. I have several logical reasons to accept but my intuition tells me it is not the job for me. I type this easily but it has been a very difficult decision. I am breaking new patterns by not grabbing at the first things offered to me. The voice in my head says, "You have to take it. What if another job offer doesn't come? What will people think? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE BY SAYING NO?"
Amazing to see all the snakes slither out of the grass as I decide not to take this job.
I am also coming to terms with the biopsy results. I honestly thought I had cancer and didn't realize how much I had already prepared for the bad news.
I'll have to see a new doctor soon and they are recommending a surgical biopsy to make sure all of the surrounding tissue is healthy. I have 2 surgical clips in the breast (I didn't know that a few days ago) so they will know exactly where to go.
I am not looking forward to day-surgery but I am assuming it will put an end to this diagnosis. Strict follow every 6 months for 2 years too.
I am an odd person. I am realizing I fear life in a way that most people fear death. I am scared. I am unsure of myself. I feel sad about all the suffering in the world.
Listening to the Dalai Lama today, I heard him talk about something I have read about: emptiness. Not like an empty box but more like, no absolute solidity that is separate from everything else. Meaning that there is no "Patty" particle somewhere in my body. There is no hidden table particle in a table, that makes it a table.
So I am flirting around with this idea of emptiness and finding it surprisingly calming to me. I don't need to take myself so darn seriously. I am part of the universe, not the center of it. The truth is what it is. I don't need to argue with it. Fighting with it, to find what I WANT, is silly and it hurts.
I end up miserable like a lot of other people because life didn't work out for me. Me? Why should it work out for just me?
I feel a very strong connection with the world, with other people. I feel hurt and sad when I see people who are unhappy. I smile at people. I send them prayers when I see them. I attempt to be kind whenever I can.
I feel so part of all this...life, and yet I also look to run away from it, to be done, safe. Why do I assume that death would make any of that easier? I have no clue what happens at death. But if there is any continuation of my soul (spirit or consciousness) I will still be wanting to stop other's suffering as well as seeking my own inner peace.
I read yesterday, world peace begins with inner peace. I don't know how to create world peace but I can work on inner peace. It starts with accepting the truth. The truth of my fears, my worries, my joys and my biopsy results. I am staying in the now. Breathing. I am ok. My peace adds to the big peace. I can do something to help and that makes me grateful to be alive.
Friday, 18 October 2013
numb
That's how I feel this afternoon. After getting back from 2weeks on Long Island helping out my mother, I've had a job interview, a diagnostic mammogram, and a breast biopsy. I've only been home for 3 days.
I got the results today, it is not cancer. They found precancerous cells. I'll follow up with a breast specialist and they want another biopsy to make sure all is well.
Am I relieved? No.
For two days all I have read about is the different types of diagnoses for linear clustered micro-calcifications. Some were benign, some where cancer but I didn't read about ADH. (Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia)
It's like a non-diagnosis.
I also got the job offer and I don't want the job. He is hiring me from my resume. He never asked me anything about myself. The place seems dysfunctional to the max.
My gut told me 2 minutes into the interview ("no way") but my head tells me all these facts: Money. Get to tell people you found a job. No more looking for work. Save money and move out.
I feel torn up about so many things. I am not sick after all this 'rush,rush" with the medical stuff. I don't have an income. I do not like living in the house with my ex-spouse. My kids are so busy my head spins sometimes. My kids don't like living with their father on the other side of the house but only tell me. Winter is coming and it's a LONG season up here in VT.
This will sounds crazy but it is true, I would have rather have had cancer. It would mean that there was an end point to all this stress.
I pray for everyone every day but still I feel the suffering. I see it when I go out. So many people unhappy and miserable. I don't know what to do to help, to make them better.
I am tired of life. I am tired of phone calls, driving, dr appts, food shopping, emails, resumes, feeding the cats and everything else.
I wish I had invasive breast cancer so I could finally see an end point. I wish I could give my life to someone who really wants to live. I am so tired.
I know there are many many people with lives worse than mine and I am ashamed that I do not treasure life more. I find life to be so much work. I do a lot alone and perhaps that makes it harder?
It doesn't matter. I am ashamed of the truth but I know it to be true for me. I am very sad to find out that I am healthy today. I look around and I am have no idea what to do next. Where am I going? What am I doing? What happened to my life as wife and mother?
I am scared. I am tired. I am overwhelmed. I am alone. Oh and I have ADH. Ugh.
I got the results today, it is not cancer. They found precancerous cells. I'll follow up with a breast specialist and they want another biopsy to make sure all is well.
Am I relieved? No.
For two days all I have read about is the different types of diagnoses for linear clustered micro-calcifications. Some were benign, some where cancer but I didn't read about ADH. (Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia)
It's like a non-diagnosis.
I also got the job offer and I don't want the job. He is hiring me from my resume. He never asked me anything about myself. The place seems dysfunctional to the max.
My gut told me 2 minutes into the interview ("no way") but my head tells me all these facts: Money. Get to tell people you found a job. No more looking for work. Save money and move out.
I feel torn up about so many things. I am not sick after all this 'rush,rush" with the medical stuff. I don't have an income. I do not like living in the house with my ex-spouse. My kids are so busy my head spins sometimes. My kids don't like living with their father on the other side of the house but only tell me. Winter is coming and it's a LONG season up here in VT.
This will sounds crazy but it is true, I would have rather have had cancer. It would mean that there was an end point to all this stress.
I pray for everyone every day but still I feel the suffering. I see it when I go out. So many people unhappy and miserable. I don't know what to do to help, to make them better.
I am tired of life. I am tired of phone calls, driving, dr appts, food shopping, emails, resumes, feeding the cats and everything else.
I wish I had invasive breast cancer so I could finally see an end point. I wish I could give my life to someone who really wants to live. I am so tired.
I know there are many many people with lives worse than mine and I am ashamed that I do not treasure life more. I find life to be so much work. I do a lot alone and perhaps that makes it harder?
It doesn't matter. I am ashamed of the truth but I know it to be true for me. I am very sad to find out that I am healthy today. I look around and I am have no idea what to do next. Where am I going? What am I doing? What happened to my life as wife and mother?
I am scared. I am tired. I am overwhelmed. I am alone. Oh and I have ADH. Ugh.
Friday, 11 October 2013
hearts
When I got the call on Tuesday that my mom had a small fender bender, I was alarmed. Two days later when she was still in the hospital due to abnormal heart enzymes, I was worried. The following day I got the call from my nephew telling me that she needed by-pass surgery. (2 blocked arteries)
I canceled my job interview, picked up my son, drove home to pack and headed south on the 6 hour trip to Long Island. While driving down, I found out that my mother had a heart attack and they put 2 stents in. She was in I.C.U. when I got there but she looked good.
Three days later she was home.
It's been a whirlwind and I am beginning to assimilate what has happened.
I'll be heading home in a few days.
It has felt good to be here for my mother. She is 76. My nephew and brother seemed to disappear once I got here. I'm sorry they had to return to their day to day life so quickly.
I had a dream last night that my mother died and as I began to sob, I saw her eyes open. The dream took place in my elementary school. It doesn't take much imagination to see where that theme came from.
We never know what life will be each day do we? Accidents, clogged arteries...bad things end up being a god's send.
I am making sure to take time each day to drive down to the bay (10 minutes away) and meditate. I still myself and listen to the water, the wind. My thoughts tumble around like sneakers in a dryer. I stay still and let it be.
The stress and anger on Long Island is palpable. I don't think I could live down here. Vermont is more my style these days.
My sons went home a few days ago and I felt such relief when they did. Being a full time daughter and a full time mother was exhausting.
I find myself missing my cat Bella very much. Picking her up and putting her on my left shoulder so she can look around while I walk is bliss. She is the main source of love in my life. My heart opens wide when we are together. It sounds funny but it is true.
Being down here has been a break too. Even though I am dealing with medications, medical appointments, dueling insurance companies, and phone calls from home...it is outside my norm, so it does feel like a break from reality in a way.
I will go home in 4 days to much colder weather. I've missed autumn in VT. I've missed peak leaf season. It is still mostly green here on the island.
I have a job interview the day after I get home. I have medical appts AND a biopsy 2 days after I get home. Maybe that is why I am no rush to get there?
I have mixed feelings about the biopsy. Most likely, it will be fine but I do not know. I hate not knowing. I also hope it will be something. Why? Why would I want a serious diagnosis? Because I am tired, so tired, of life.
I am not asking to die but perhaps it would be better for me to be ill than someone else. If I could take someone else's place, I would.
When my sister Kathy was diagnosed with cancer in 1998, I remember telling her I wish I could take her cancer. She was a bright light who loved life. I meant it. She knew it.
I am not sure what will make me more disappointed, to have this biopsy be positive or negative.
Life can be just as scary as death.
Life/death.
My mother is alive and I am very grateful.
Perhaps some day I will feel as grateful for my own.
I canceled my job interview, picked up my son, drove home to pack and headed south on the 6 hour trip to Long Island. While driving down, I found out that my mother had a heart attack and they put 2 stents in. She was in I.C.U. when I got there but she looked good.
Three days later she was home.
It's been a whirlwind and I am beginning to assimilate what has happened.
I'll be heading home in a few days.
It has felt good to be here for my mother. She is 76. My nephew and brother seemed to disappear once I got here. I'm sorry they had to return to their day to day life so quickly.
I had a dream last night that my mother died and as I began to sob, I saw her eyes open. The dream took place in my elementary school. It doesn't take much imagination to see where that theme came from.
We never know what life will be each day do we? Accidents, clogged arteries...bad things end up being a god's send.
I am making sure to take time each day to drive down to the bay (10 minutes away) and meditate. I still myself and listen to the water, the wind. My thoughts tumble around like sneakers in a dryer. I stay still and let it be.
The stress and anger on Long Island is palpable. I don't think I could live down here. Vermont is more my style these days.
My sons went home a few days ago and I felt such relief when they did. Being a full time daughter and a full time mother was exhausting.
I find myself missing my cat Bella very much. Picking her up and putting her on my left shoulder so she can look around while I walk is bliss. She is the main source of love in my life. My heart opens wide when we are together. It sounds funny but it is true.
Being down here has been a break too. Even though I am dealing with medications, medical appointments, dueling insurance companies, and phone calls from home...it is outside my norm, so it does feel like a break from reality in a way.
I will go home in 4 days to much colder weather. I've missed autumn in VT. I've missed peak leaf season. It is still mostly green here on the island.
I have a job interview the day after I get home. I have medical appts AND a biopsy 2 days after I get home. Maybe that is why I am no rush to get there?
I have mixed feelings about the biopsy. Most likely, it will be fine but I do not know. I hate not knowing. I also hope it will be something. Why? Why would I want a serious diagnosis? Because I am tired, so tired, of life.
I am not asking to die but perhaps it would be better for me to be ill than someone else. If I could take someone else's place, I would.
When my sister Kathy was diagnosed with cancer in 1998, I remember telling her I wish I could take her cancer. She was a bright light who loved life. I meant it. She knew it.
I am not sure what will make me more disappointed, to have this biopsy be positive or negative.
Life can be just as scary as death.
Life/death.
My mother is alive and I am very grateful.
Perhaps some day I will feel as grateful for my own.
Wednesday, 2 October 2013
In a day...
so much can unfold. I had feelings of fear, comfort, worry, peace, and confusion. It was Tuesday.
I wonder if we realize just how fluid out day goes? Perhaps we take the dominate emotion or event and judge the day on that one but how much have we lost?
I realize so much of life is blurred and missed. It is these small moments of peace or of drinking in the orange of a tree in fall, that are compromised for the 'event of the day'.
Yesterday's event was that when I got home around 8pm my son told me that my mother had a small car accident. She was not hurt but she was in the hospital for observation. It ends up that her heart enzymes were elevated. She stressed her heart.
She is getting a cardiac ultrasound this morning and if things look normal, she'll be discharged.
The non-event of the day was that I drove down to the southern part of VT to meet with a friend I met 2 years ago at a women's retreat weekend. We stay in touch through emails. We met last October too.
When we meet we talk and talk and boom, 6 hours has passed. Amazing.
I appreciate her very much. She was a big help to me during August's crisis. I find it easy to be open and honest with her.
As I drove home, I thought how lucky am I that we met? Some relationships in life are effortless. It is beautiful. It also reminds me that I don't have to push and cajole anyone to like me, to fit in.
Why don't we realize that the spaces in our life need to be left open. There is no need to force fill.
Just because there is space doesn't mean that there is anything wrong. I have very few friends, but none of the friendships I have now, drains me or makes me feel as though I can't be myself. They are free and easy. No one needs the other to BE anything other than what we are.
Focusing on the small stuff gives me more peace than I thought possible. The trees, the moon, the warm sunshine, my cat sleeping all curled up on my bed. Beauty.
I wonder if we realize just how fluid out day goes? Perhaps we take the dominate emotion or event and judge the day on that one but how much have we lost?
I realize so much of life is blurred and missed. It is these small moments of peace or of drinking in the orange of a tree in fall, that are compromised for the 'event of the day'.
Yesterday's event was that when I got home around 8pm my son told me that my mother had a small car accident. She was not hurt but she was in the hospital for observation. It ends up that her heart enzymes were elevated. She stressed her heart.
She is getting a cardiac ultrasound this morning and if things look normal, she'll be discharged.
The non-event of the day was that I drove down to the southern part of VT to meet with a friend I met 2 years ago at a women's retreat weekend. We stay in touch through emails. We met last October too.
When we meet we talk and talk and boom, 6 hours has passed. Amazing.
I appreciate her very much. She was a big help to me during August's crisis. I find it easy to be open and honest with her.
As I drove home, I thought how lucky am I that we met? Some relationships in life are effortless. It is beautiful. It also reminds me that I don't have to push and cajole anyone to like me, to fit in.
Why don't we realize that the spaces in our life need to be left open. There is no need to force fill.
Just because there is space doesn't mean that there is anything wrong. I have very few friends, but none of the friendships I have now, drains me or makes me feel as though I can't be myself. They are free and easy. No one needs the other to BE anything other than what we are.
Focusing on the small stuff gives me more peace than I thought possible. The trees, the moon, the warm sunshine, my cat sleeping all curled up on my bed. Beauty.
Saturday, 28 September 2013
grasping at concepts...
This is a new one for me, being lonely. I spend a lot of time alone but feeling lonely? Not usually.
I spent over an hour in the woods near the house snapping branches into small pieces of kindling. It was a gorgeous fall day in VT. Magical. Some of the trees look as though they are on fire, the colors are intense.
I was fine.
Later when my kids came home for working all day at the farm I felt the pang. I miss them. I miss my old life as a mother. I miss my home. I miss the past.
I tell myself that I need to accept the new normal. I am functioning well, doing what needs to be done but in my heart I am bleeding. That is a horrible thing to write, bleeding, but it is the right word.
I am bleeding to death somehow. The sadness is pouring out and I don't know if I'll have enough in the end for a life.
I am surprised as I write this what I am saying. I seem to be learning as I go.
I am going for a 2nd visit to a prospective employer tomorrow. Yes, on a Sunday. She wants me to fill out an application and something else, I can't recall. I wanted the job badly a week ago. Now I feel numb. It's a mindless weekend job. Maybe I need mindless right now.
I want to run tomorrow. I haven't fun in 3 days. My knee is far from 100% but my mind and heart need to run. So I will. I supposed I could ice it and take some motrin. I am fighting reality about my knee too.
Must I lose it all? My children, home, mother-status, health, money?
I am lonely for connection. I am lonely for sharing. I am lonely for someone or something. If I could run every day that would help. If not a person than can't I have healthy knees? (then or then??)
This line came to me last night, I mean BOOM, there it was in my mind as I looked up from the couch:
There is nothing to hold.
This idea of nothing to hold, that nothing is secure, everything is relative was disturbing and calming at the same time.
Calming in that I don't need to work hard to keep anything and disturbing in that I can never achieve what I think I want, complete assured safety.
Life changes without notification, not even an email. I am accessing and processing what has already happened. How aware of now can I possibly be when I am stuck on the past?
It all seems like too much. Why so much work? What am I missing?
I won't be alive forever. Do I want to look back and see that all I did was work, worry, and hide?
How to embrace life and be here now? How to understand what life is all about?
I feel lonely because I am taking so much on. Maybe if I let go, it will be okay?
I have been letting go of so much lately. Am I to hold on to nothing?
"There is nothing to hold" I heard last night. Am I listening?
I spent over an hour in the woods near the house snapping branches into small pieces of kindling. It was a gorgeous fall day in VT. Magical. Some of the trees look as though they are on fire, the colors are intense.
I was fine.
Later when my kids came home for working all day at the farm I felt the pang. I miss them. I miss my old life as a mother. I miss my home. I miss the past.
I tell myself that I need to accept the new normal. I am functioning well, doing what needs to be done but in my heart I am bleeding. That is a horrible thing to write, bleeding, but it is the right word.
I am bleeding to death somehow. The sadness is pouring out and I don't know if I'll have enough in the end for a life.
I am surprised as I write this what I am saying. I seem to be learning as I go.
I am going for a 2nd visit to a prospective employer tomorrow. Yes, on a Sunday. She wants me to fill out an application and something else, I can't recall. I wanted the job badly a week ago. Now I feel numb. It's a mindless weekend job. Maybe I need mindless right now.
I want to run tomorrow. I haven't fun in 3 days. My knee is far from 100% but my mind and heart need to run. So I will. I supposed I could ice it and take some motrin. I am fighting reality about my knee too.
Must I lose it all? My children, home, mother-status, health, money?
I am lonely for connection. I am lonely for sharing. I am lonely for someone or something. If I could run every day that would help. If not a person than can't I have healthy knees? (then or then??)
This line came to me last night, I mean BOOM, there it was in my mind as I looked up from the couch:
There is nothing to hold.
This idea of nothing to hold, that nothing is secure, everything is relative was disturbing and calming at the same time.
Calming in that I don't need to work hard to keep anything and disturbing in that I can never achieve what I think I want, complete assured safety.
Life changes without notification, not even an email. I am accessing and processing what has already happened. How aware of now can I possibly be when I am stuck on the past?
It all seems like too much. Why so much work? What am I missing?
I won't be alive forever. Do I want to look back and see that all I did was work, worry, and hide?
How to embrace life and be here now? How to understand what life is all about?
I feel lonely because I am taking so much on. Maybe if I let go, it will be okay?
I have been letting go of so much lately. Am I to hold on to nothing?
"There is nothing to hold" I heard last night. Am I listening?
Thursday, 26 September 2013
coffee and words
I am sitting in the middle (literally) of a busy cafe. Above me, on the 3rd level, is a 6 sided horizontal wooden wheel thing. Pretty cool architecture here.
Yesterday was a very blah day. It was as though all my energy keep bleeding out into the ground where I had no access to it. I found myself being very distant, objective, unconnected. It was not fun.
I had a dr's appt and then I went to my "Hemingway's Short Stories" class 45 minutes late. I was uninspired, to say the least.
The teacher talks so much. He has knowledge out the kazoo but not very good teaching skills. It is clear to me that knowing too much about one subject can be boring.
I am not sure if I will keep going. We hardly talk about the writing itself which was what I was interested in. I don't need to hear how the teacher interviewed the woman who takes care of Ernie's house in Cuba nor how athletic the teacher is. (plays tennis with Butch and retired to NH to ski)
I was woken up this morning by my 18 year old son telling me, "I overslept, can I take your car?"
Ugh, what an opening to a day.
I got in the shower and as we headed down to the community college I tried to be skillful in what I needed to tell him. It would be too easy to just be angry. I know he is struggling. He is a fabulous person but he is always trying to be better. It seems he has been trying to be a better version of himself since he was 12.
He is naturally artistic and sensitive. Oh no, the S-word that he cringes at when I speak it. I guess being a guy and the S-word don't go together in his world.
Why do we all try to dictate to ourselves who we are? Why do we think that we get to edit and sculpt ourselves?
I suppose we all have these inner images of ourselves that we cherish yet they are not real. Our imperfect selves cannot compete. Having a rich imagination is a tricky business.
With meditation, it is just as important to recognize the fantasies as it is the self deprecating dialog. They both pull us away from the truth.
I hope that my son can one day accept who he is and find comfort in his genuine nature. He has so much to offer himself and the world. Being sensitive is not a death sentence.
What is it about men and this emotional component? My brother is the same way. When he was 19 he wanted to become a teacher who helps autistic children. What did he end up doing? He took a job sealing gas tank on airplanes and then moving into house building profession. He was wildly successful and yet I wonder, what happened to that part of him that wanted to reach out the autistic children?
This makes me wonder about myself, where do I do this dance of "who I should be vs. who I am"?
I do it in the field of work. I have been imaging myself to be CEO material for years and years. A go-getter, logical, efficient, and respected among my peers. I have moments of this when I am organizing or making plans to travel but to do this day in and day out? No way.
I am more 'granola' or 'crunchy'. I think those are the terms people use. I am someone who is worried about the universe, about how people feel, about who is suffering. I am always picking up on energy and vibes. I can feel what people feel without knowing how I do it. I have no desire to work 9-5 Monday through Friday. To me, that sounds like death.
As I am looking for work these days, this is good to remember. Where can I work and be myself? Where can I plug myself in? I don't fit in the mainstream very well. I mean I can, but I can't do it for long as it is exhausting.
I feel compassion for my son. It isn't easy coming to terms with the truth of who we are, especially when the truth makes it harder to fit in. But if we pretend, if we deny, where are we then?
Yesterday was a very blah day. It was as though all my energy keep bleeding out into the ground where I had no access to it. I found myself being very distant, objective, unconnected. It was not fun.
I had a dr's appt and then I went to my "Hemingway's Short Stories" class 45 minutes late. I was uninspired, to say the least.
The teacher talks so much. He has knowledge out the kazoo but not very good teaching skills. It is clear to me that knowing too much about one subject can be boring.
I am not sure if I will keep going. We hardly talk about the writing itself which was what I was interested in. I don't need to hear how the teacher interviewed the woman who takes care of Ernie's house in Cuba nor how athletic the teacher is. (plays tennis with Butch and retired to NH to ski)
I was woken up this morning by my 18 year old son telling me, "I overslept, can I take your car?"
Ugh, what an opening to a day.
I got in the shower and as we headed down to the community college I tried to be skillful in what I needed to tell him. It would be too easy to just be angry. I know he is struggling. He is a fabulous person but he is always trying to be better. It seems he has been trying to be a better version of himself since he was 12.
He is naturally artistic and sensitive. Oh no, the S-word that he cringes at when I speak it. I guess being a guy and the S-word don't go together in his world.
Why do we all try to dictate to ourselves who we are? Why do we think that we get to edit and sculpt ourselves?
I suppose we all have these inner images of ourselves that we cherish yet they are not real. Our imperfect selves cannot compete. Having a rich imagination is a tricky business.
With meditation, it is just as important to recognize the fantasies as it is the self deprecating dialog. They both pull us away from the truth.
I hope that my son can one day accept who he is and find comfort in his genuine nature. He has so much to offer himself and the world. Being sensitive is not a death sentence.
What is it about men and this emotional component? My brother is the same way. When he was 19 he wanted to become a teacher who helps autistic children. What did he end up doing? He took a job sealing gas tank on airplanes and then moving into house building profession. He was wildly successful and yet I wonder, what happened to that part of him that wanted to reach out the autistic children?
This makes me wonder about myself, where do I do this dance of "who I should be vs. who I am"?
I do it in the field of work. I have been imaging myself to be CEO material for years and years. A go-getter, logical, efficient, and respected among my peers. I have moments of this when I am organizing or making plans to travel but to do this day in and day out? No way.
I am more 'granola' or 'crunchy'. I think those are the terms people use. I am someone who is worried about the universe, about how people feel, about who is suffering. I am always picking up on energy and vibes. I can feel what people feel without knowing how I do it. I have no desire to work 9-5 Monday through Friday. To me, that sounds like death.
As I am looking for work these days, this is good to remember. Where can I work and be myself? Where can I plug myself in? I don't fit in the mainstream very well. I mean I can, but I can't do it for long as it is exhausting.
I feel compassion for my son. It isn't easy coming to terms with the truth of who we are, especially when the truth makes it harder to fit in. But if we pretend, if we deny, where are we then?
Sunday, 22 September 2013
a writer?
Out of blue I started writing last night...I mean writing.
I wrote two articles, both funny. One is about the term 'flatlander' that New Englanders call anyone not bern in the N.E. area. Being a New Yorker, I have a lot of fun with it.
The next is about falling for a guy that I hardly know. (hmm...)
I did another hour of work on the latter one today.
Who knew? I suppose I have a muse after all.
I am planning on submitting them to the New Yorker, although I haven't a clue how I will do that or even if they accept submissions from unpublished people like me. If not, I will find someone to send them to as I think they are funny, ah, witty is a better word.
I've had a productive day, getting some early morning chores done and out of the way.
My 16 yr old son was in a 48hr film slam this weekend so I will be heading out in about 45 minutes to sit thorugh the screening of all ten 7 minute films. This will be my 4th film slam viewing and it can be very interesting the things people come up with in such a crunch of time.
You see the genius in some, the frustration in others.
I am feeling quite alive today. I've felt many feelings and had thoughts from A to Z but I come back to one and that is wishing for peace and truth for the universe. I know that sounds over-reaching but I don't mean it that way at all.
I am starting to accept that my thoughts, as well as my deeds and words, are vital. Physics will back me up here, everything has energy. I am paying attention to what I am doing so as not to hurt anything or anyone.
It doesn't mean that I think I am more important. It means that I am getting closer to the truth that every ripple of energy matters. There is no place to hide any part of it. It's like getting rid of garbage, none of wants to see our waste. "Take it away!" we demand. We don't ever want to see it again but it goes somewhere. There is no place where is disappears.
So it goes with what we think, say and do. It goes somewhere and that somewhere also inhabits where we live. No escape.
This is why I am being more careful about what I am producing. I would rather add love, giggles, contentment, and peace than anger, depression, anxiety and feeling sorry for myself.
I am responsible. There is also a lovely sense of freedom in this that I cannot explain.
I am a writer. I don't say I am good or gifted or talented but I write because it is my nature to do so. It's good to be home.
I wrote two articles, both funny. One is about the term 'flatlander' that New Englanders call anyone not bern in the N.E. area. Being a New Yorker, I have a lot of fun with it.
The next is about falling for a guy that I hardly know. (hmm...)
I did another hour of work on the latter one today.
Who knew? I suppose I have a muse after all.
I am planning on submitting them to the New Yorker, although I haven't a clue how I will do that or even if they accept submissions from unpublished people like me. If not, I will find someone to send them to as I think they are funny, ah, witty is a better word.
I've had a productive day, getting some early morning chores done and out of the way.
My 16 yr old son was in a 48hr film slam this weekend so I will be heading out in about 45 minutes to sit thorugh the screening of all ten 7 minute films. This will be my 4th film slam viewing and it can be very interesting the things people come up with in such a crunch of time.
You see the genius in some, the frustration in others.
I am feeling quite alive today. I've felt many feelings and had thoughts from A to Z but I come back to one and that is wishing for peace and truth for the universe. I know that sounds over-reaching but I don't mean it that way at all.
I am starting to accept that my thoughts, as well as my deeds and words, are vital. Physics will back me up here, everything has energy. I am paying attention to what I am doing so as not to hurt anything or anyone.
It doesn't mean that I think I am more important. It means that I am getting closer to the truth that every ripple of energy matters. There is no place to hide any part of it. It's like getting rid of garbage, none of wants to see our waste. "Take it away!" we demand. We don't ever want to see it again but it goes somewhere. There is no place where is disappears.
So it goes with what we think, say and do. It goes somewhere and that somewhere also inhabits where we live. No escape.
This is why I am being more careful about what I am producing. I would rather add love, giggles, contentment, and peace than anger, depression, anxiety and feeling sorry for myself.
I am responsible. There is also a lovely sense of freedom in this that I cannot explain.
I am a writer. I don't say I am good or gifted or talented but I write because it is my nature to do so. It's good to be home.
Saturday, 21 September 2013
it's okay
I took a chance. I did not receive any reply from him.
Do I regret it? No.
I did what I did for me. I had feelings and I expressed them. Fear was not part of the equation.
I suppose if I would of thought about it more, I would not have written that letter and dropped it at the desk. Maybe that it why I did it so quickly. I needed to live outside the heavy-handed rules of my mind.
I followed my heart 100%. I do like him. I also do not know anything about him. I know he is good at what he does and I know that from the moment I met him, I felt a sense of peace and kindness.
Being a psychology major in college (and in life) I looked up animus projection. That is usually more intense, more of a "I can't live without this person" mania.
This was more of a "the world IS a kind place, look at him, he is a kind person" kind of thing.
I didn't fantasize about sleeping with him. I fantasized about talking to him or just staring at him while he talked. I liked the way the world felt when he was around, safe and zen-like.
I've never had this experience before. Now I know.
Now I know if it ever happens again that it might just be me projecting my dreams on another person. How does this work again...let me try to remember Jung's theories. We find the people who we can most easily accept our projections, so they have something familiar to them and we fill in the blanks.
Yes, I can see where I did this with this man. I don't know if he is boring as all hell outside of work. I don't know if he is religious, prejudice, shallow, does he kick his dog, does he even have a dog?
Ah, my life goes on. I ran today. I am so happy to be running more often. It was a tough run. My legs felt like cement for the whole 2 miles, but I did it.
I bumped into a friend later in the morning and we had a nice conversation. I cooked up some bacon for lunch. I love bacon.
Oh and I have a job interview on Monday at 11am. It's part time for a retirement community as a weekend concierge. Hey, it's something. Baby steps.
I have not heard about my appointment for the biopsy yet. Have I mentioned my call-back mammogram results yet?
That happened the morning of the 'Letter incident". There are new tiny calcifications in my left breast and the doctor suggested a biopsy to make sure it isn't malignant. I agreed.
Maybe having that happen on Wednesday made me more prone to the feelings I wrote about? Life is short and how often do we meet people who we feel good around? I am sure it was part of it.
I've lost my father, sister and brother to cancer...I've always thought I would get it too. We are all B type of blood people in the family. Interesting. My mom, brother, and other sister have O type blood.
I always felt I would die around the age of my sister Kathy, who was 45 when she died of lung cancer. (not from smoking)
I am 48. Well, the sooner I get the biopsy the better. I haven't told my mother. I'll wait for the results.
Tomorrow is the first day of autumn. Happy Fall! I so love this time of year. It is supposed to be rainy tomorrow. A good day to stay in and read. I am taking a class on the short stories of Ernest Hemingway. I will read 'Indian Camp' tomorrow.
I am not sure how I feel about this week. A lot happened and yet nothing happened.
I want so much to live, to love, to share, to help. I am ashamed to admit that I would enjoy a companion in my life. I feel ashamed because I know almost everyone wants that and so few get it.
It's like wishing for a million dollars in some way, although I don't wish for money. I know what I am looking for...I know. I am just not sure I'll get a chance in this lifetime...or if there is another lifetime.
I am human. It's okay to need. It's okay to wish. Isn't it?
Do I regret it? No.
I did what I did for me. I had feelings and I expressed them. Fear was not part of the equation.
I suppose if I would of thought about it more, I would not have written that letter and dropped it at the desk. Maybe that it why I did it so quickly. I needed to live outside the heavy-handed rules of my mind.
I followed my heart 100%. I do like him. I also do not know anything about him. I know he is good at what he does and I know that from the moment I met him, I felt a sense of peace and kindness.
Being a psychology major in college (and in life) I looked up animus projection. That is usually more intense, more of a "I can't live without this person" mania.
This was more of a "the world IS a kind place, look at him, he is a kind person" kind of thing.
I didn't fantasize about sleeping with him. I fantasized about talking to him or just staring at him while he talked. I liked the way the world felt when he was around, safe and zen-like.
I've never had this experience before. Now I know.
Now I know if it ever happens again that it might just be me projecting my dreams on another person. How does this work again...let me try to remember Jung's theories. We find the people who we can most easily accept our projections, so they have something familiar to them and we fill in the blanks.
Yes, I can see where I did this with this man. I don't know if he is boring as all hell outside of work. I don't know if he is religious, prejudice, shallow, does he kick his dog, does he even have a dog?
Ah, my life goes on. I ran today. I am so happy to be running more often. It was a tough run. My legs felt like cement for the whole 2 miles, but I did it.
I bumped into a friend later in the morning and we had a nice conversation. I cooked up some bacon for lunch. I love bacon.
Oh and I have a job interview on Monday at 11am. It's part time for a retirement community as a weekend concierge. Hey, it's something. Baby steps.
I have not heard about my appointment for the biopsy yet. Have I mentioned my call-back mammogram results yet?
That happened the morning of the 'Letter incident". There are new tiny calcifications in my left breast and the doctor suggested a biopsy to make sure it isn't malignant. I agreed.
Maybe having that happen on Wednesday made me more prone to the feelings I wrote about? Life is short and how often do we meet people who we feel good around? I am sure it was part of it.
I've lost my father, sister and brother to cancer...I've always thought I would get it too. We are all B type of blood people in the family. Interesting. My mom, brother, and other sister have O type blood.
I always felt I would die around the age of my sister Kathy, who was 45 when she died of lung cancer. (not from smoking)
I am 48. Well, the sooner I get the biopsy the better. I haven't told my mother. I'll wait for the results.
Tomorrow is the first day of autumn. Happy Fall! I so love this time of year. It is supposed to be rainy tomorrow. A good day to stay in and read. I am taking a class on the short stories of Ernest Hemingway. I will read 'Indian Camp' tomorrow.
I am not sure how I feel about this week. A lot happened and yet nothing happened.
I want so much to live, to love, to share, to help. I am ashamed to admit that I would enjoy a companion in my life. I feel ashamed because I know almost everyone wants that and so few get it.
It's like wishing for a million dollars in some way, although I don't wish for money. I know what I am looking for...I know. I am just not sure I'll get a chance in this lifetime...or if there is another lifetime.
I am human. It's okay to need. It's okay to wish. Isn't it?
Thursday, 19 September 2013
the day after
So of course today I want to curl up and die of embarrassment about what I did yesterday. I have second guessed myself hundreds of times. It started last night after midnight as I tried to fall asleep.
I let it go while I was running today (beautiful run, by the way) and for most of the day, although I did check email and my cell phone with more gusto that usual.
Now I realize that I might not get any response and how will I handle that one?
Taking a chance like that is a big gamble and I did not consider how I would feel or what I would do if things didn't work out.
Again, so unlike me to do something like this. It felt so good yesterday to break free of rules and just let out what I was feeling and thinking.
Today I think about what I wrote and cringe inside. Why did I do it? Because it was true. I like him. Sue me, eh?
The problem for me now is how do I stop beating myself up for it. How do I accept what is and let it be.
The thoughts going through my head are "What the hell were you thinking, a guy like that would like a woman like you?" That stings! It makes me want to cry.
I was alive yesterday, fresh. I saw possibilities not the same old, same old. Perhaps I was mistaken that he might of have been curious about me too. I tried. I expressed myself.
So here I sit, still wanting to find a big rock to crawl under. I am ashamed of myself and yet there is also that feeling of "At least I made an effort". I didn't see a chance and run away. I met it head-on.
Sure, there was a chance of a crash and burn but at the time, I didn't worry about it.
If there was going to be a response it most likely would have been today.
I am sad. I am sad that the feelings I have for him are not felt by him too. I have always been afraid to dream, to dream for what I want. I was afraid that it wouldn't come true because I asked for it.
In some way, I expect the rejection. I still have that child's perspective "If I think of something bad then something good will happen". I am a silly person aren't I?
It's okay to like someone. It is okay to dream that they will like you too. It's okay to dream of love.
I give myself permission to be a human being. I like myself. I am friends with me. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't intentionally hurt anyone. I was honest and I reached out...with both hands.
It going to be okay. It is okay.
I let it go while I was running today (beautiful run, by the way) and for most of the day, although I did check email and my cell phone with more gusto that usual.
Now I realize that I might not get any response and how will I handle that one?
Taking a chance like that is a big gamble and I did not consider how I would feel or what I would do if things didn't work out.
Again, so unlike me to do something like this. It felt so good yesterday to break free of rules and just let out what I was feeling and thinking.
Today I think about what I wrote and cringe inside. Why did I do it? Because it was true. I like him. Sue me, eh?
The problem for me now is how do I stop beating myself up for it. How do I accept what is and let it be.
The thoughts going through my head are "What the hell were you thinking, a guy like that would like a woman like you?" That stings! It makes me want to cry.
I was alive yesterday, fresh. I saw possibilities not the same old, same old. Perhaps I was mistaken that he might of have been curious about me too. I tried. I expressed myself.
So here I sit, still wanting to find a big rock to crawl under. I am ashamed of myself and yet there is also that feeling of "At least I made an effort". I didn't see a chance and run away. I met it head-on.
Sure, there was a chance of a crash and burn but at the time, I didn't worry about it.
If there was going to be a response it most likely would have been today.
I am sad. I am sad that the feelings I have for him are not felt by him too. I have always been afraid to dream, to dream for what I want. I was afraid that it wouldn't come true because I asked for it.
In some way, I expect the rejection. I still have that child's perspective "If I think of something bad then something good will happen". I am a silly person aren't I?
It's okay to like someone. It is okay to dream that they will like you too. It's okay to dream of love.
I give myself permission to be a human being. I like myself. I am friends with me. I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't intentionally hurt anyone. I was honest and I reached out...with both hands.
It going to be okay. It is okay.
Wednesday, 18 September 2013
taking a chance
What a day!
It started with a follow up mammogram. Tip: It is not a great way to start the day having to wear a short cape, stand near a weird machine and have your breast SHMOOSHED flat.
Anyway, there may or may not be something happening. Inconclusive.
I spoke with my regular doc and she recommended a needle biopsy. So be it. I await the day and time.
Here is the magic of the day: There is a man I have met twice before who makes me feel as though all is right with the world. And knowing me, that is a miracle. The first time I met him I remember feeling as though I was in a whirlpool, seriously it felt as though there were highly charged magnets swirling energy in the room whenever I looked at him. I told myself I was nuts and tried hard not to think about it because it was that odd.
The second time, boom, there it was again. A alchemical connection. I have never sensed that with anyone before. There is a calm about him, a gentle grounding hum. I know, weird, right?
It is so strong that I continued to talk myself out of it even after the 2nd time I saw him. I would laugh to myself too, "You're funny," I would say aloud, afraid of what it really meant to feel that way.
I first met him in February and then in April. It is in a public social situation, we've only talked for a few minutes each time.
I saw him again today. BOOM, it is still there. I thought it was just me but as I was walking away he said "It's always good to see you again." Hmm...
I turned around and said, "Yes, I enjoy seeing you too."
It was then that I realized that I need to do something. This is silly. I am 48. Life is short. How many times I have felt this way about a stranger? None. What do I have to lose?
I wrote a note while sitting in my "Hemingway's Short Stories" class this afternoon. It was short but honest. I told him that I thought he was a kind person and since we had running in common perhaps he would like to meet for coffee sometime.
I have NEVER done this before in my life. What is going on with me???
This is so NOT ME. I dropped off the note with a secretary at his place of business. As I walked away I felt relieved, elated, and scared out of my wits!
What the hell am I doing?
Taking a chance. I have always been afraid of men. I have only dated one man and I married him after knowing him for 6 months. I have been divorced for 2 years and have never even thought of dating anyone.
But here's the thing, I am highly intuitive and I have never felt the energy of anyone like him. It is so calm. I can't explain it but I feel it. This isn't fireworks and oh he's so cute, blah blah blah. This is wow I didn't know a person like him could exist.
Our conversations have been business focused so I don't know much about him.
What have I done? Again I smile and laugh to myself. It's not like I jumped up and did this. I knew in Feb. that there was something there, for me anyway.
He's probably married or has a lovely beautiful girlfriend. I may have assumed his "it's always good to see you" was something it wasn't. Either way, I am not mistaken that I am attracted to him.
Here comes my shame for feeling. Old behaviors die hard. It's okay to feel. It's okay to check things out. It's okay to want to be close to someone. It's okay to put myself out there.
These are difficult things for me. I am so used to taking care of things myself and never expecting anyone to be there for me. I have sealed myself off, in some way.
Whatever happens or doesn't happen, I followed my heart. My heart and I are happy to be alive and willing to live again.
Sure, I will feel awkward if I don't hear from him and then see him in a few months but it was a kind note I sent. Perhaps he will feel flattered and leave it at that. I don't know.
I do know this: I don't want to keep living in fear and doubt. I don't want to keep treating myself as someone who has no right to be and to feel. I am as worthy as the next person.
Three was the magic number for me. I told myself that if I still felt that 'woosh' when I saw him again that I would do something. I did, so I did.
I could easily turn this into a mess and make fun of myself but I won't. I see what I did as a big step in courage. I am proud of myself. I showed up. I took a risk. I didn't run away or talk myself out of it.
Today I took a chance and that alone, is a wondrous thing! :)
It started with a follow up mammogram. Tip: It is not a great way to start the day having to wear a short cape, stand near a weird machine and have your breast SHMOOSHED flat.
Anyway, there may or may not be something happening. Inconclusive.
I spoke with my regular doc and she recommended a needle biopsy. So be it. I await the day and time.
Here is the magic of the day: There is a man I have met twice before who makes me feel as though all is right with the world. And knowing me, that is a miracle. The first time I met him I remember feeling as though I was in a whirlpool, seriously it felt as though there were highly charged magnets swirling energy in the room whenever I looked at him. I told myself I was nuts and tried hard not to think about it because it was that odd.
The second time, boom, there it was again. A alchemical connection. I have never sensed that with anyone before. There is a calm about him, a gentle grounding hum. I know, weird, right?
It is so strong that I continued to talk myself out of it even after the 2nd time I saw him. I would laugh to myself too, "You're funny," I would say aloud, afraid of what it really meant to feel that way.
I first met him in February and then in April. It is in a public social situation, we've only talked for a few minutes each time.
I saw him again today. BOOM, it is still there. I thought it was just me but as I was walking away he said "It's always good to see you again." Hmm...
I turned around and said, "Yes, I enjoy seeing you too."
It was then that I realized that I need to do something. This is silly. I am 48. Life is short. How many times I have felt this way about a stranger? None. What do I have to lose?
I wrote a note while sitting in my "Hemingway's Short Stories" class this afternoon. It was short but honest. I told him that I thought he was a kind person and since we had running in common perhaps he would like to meet for coffee sometime.
I have NEVER done this before in my life. What is going on with me???
This is so NOT ME. I dropped off the note with a secretary at his place of business. As I walked away I felt relieved, elated, and scared out of my wits!
What the hell am I doing?
Taking a chance. I have always been afraid of men. I have only dated one man and I married him after knowing him for 6 months. I have been divorced for 2 years and have never even thought of dating anyone.
But here's the thing, I am highly intuitive and I have never felt the energy of anyone like him. It is so calm. I can't explain it but I feel it. This isn't fireworks and oh he's so cute, blah blah blah. This is wow I didn't know a person like him could exist.
Our conversations have been business focused so I don't know much about him.
What have I done? Again I smile and laugh to myself. It's not like I jumped up and did this. I knew in Feb. that there was something there, for me anyway.
He's probably married or has a lovely beautiful girlfriend. I may have assumed his "it's always good to see you" was something it wasn't. Either way, I am not mistaken that I am attracted to him.
Here comes my shame for feeling. Old behaviors die hard. It's okay to feel. It's okay to check things out. It's okay to want to be close to someone. It's okay to put myself out there.
These are difficult things for me. I am so used to taking care of things myself and never expecting anyone to be there for me. I have sealed myself off, in some way.
Whatever happens or doesn't happen, I followed my heart. My heart and I are happy to be alive and willing to live again.
Sure, I will feel awkward if I don't hear from him and then see him in a few months but it was a kind note I sent. Perhaps he will feel flattered and leave it at that. I don't know.
I do know this: I don't want to keep living in fear and doubt. I don't want to keep treating myself as someone who has no right to be and to feel. I am as worthy as the next person.
Three was the magic number for me. I told myself that if I still felt that 'woosh' when I saw him again that I would do something. I did, so I did.
I could easily turn this into a mess and make fun of myself but I won't. I see what I did as a big step in courage. I am proud of myself. I showed up. I took a risk. I didn't run away or talk myself out of it.
Today I took a chance and that alone, is a wondrous thing! :)
Sunday, 15 September 2013
another goodbye
I just got home from a potluck afternoon gathering. We were there to wish a mutual friend all the best in her new life in Pennsylvania. She is moving back to the state she grew up in. She has family there. She is 45 and single, a massage therapist who is looking to change her life.
It was a mixed group, many of us didn't know each other as we were from different aspects of her life: Friends, clients, co-workers, even an ex-boyfriend's family. I cried as I said goodbye to her. I took her face in my hands and told her to be kind to herself. I told her I loved her. I was surprised how emotional it was for me. Loss...again.
We were asked by the host to bring with us a photo and/or a memory we wanted to share with her. I wrote a note this morning and opened it with a Buddhist quote,
There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.
I added, "You have already started, now go all the way. "
I was talking to her and to myself too. "Go all the way" what does that mean for me?
I think it means that I shouldn't try to do things the way other people want me to do it, that I should stay true to my vision and follow my heart.
Yet, if I follow my heart, I don't see how it works out. There is no set path where I want to go.
If I follow my heart people with think I am being lazy or not strong enough. People will judge me as not being smart.
My father told me when I was 12 or so, "Learn to play the game" meaning life.
That advice didn't turn out too well for him, besides, I don't want to learn to play the game.
There is a job fair on Thursday. I don't want to go. I don't want to dress up in slacks and a blazer, shake hands and give out my resume. I don't want to participate in this drama where everyone knows their roles.
I don't want a role. I don't want to play. I want to be. I want to be honest and open.
I understand the need for a social persona but I don't mine to greatly differ from who I am.
I hear the arguments & advice of my mother, deceased father, friends, ex-husband, and acquaintances. It is THEIR view, not mine.
In my mind I hear the "What if I am wrong? What if this is the only option? Am I so naive?"
I don't know. My advice to my children would be to follow their own path even if I knew it was a life of hardship. If they are clear on what brings them joy, peace, then I say, "Go for it!"
Why do I hesitate to champion my own path? Perhaps because I am still living off my ex-husband. I am living in the addition over the garage, he pays the bills. I am paying for my food and gas.
What do I want more, independence or time? Time.
I know I need to stay still for a while. Sure, keep sending out resumes and look for work, but to do what I feel called to do: Studying, meditation, being kind to people, praying for world peace (seriously), petting my cats, doing chores, and writing.
It's not forever, it is for now.
I wish I could run out there and find a fabulous job where everyone would respect me when I answered their query, "So Patty, where do work?"
No, no that is not my wish. My wish is that I walk into a place and feel it would be a good place to work there, ask them for a job and get it. My wish is that I would have a job where I feel I am making a positive difference in the world.
Other people might not get me. They may think that I have wasted my life. They might think I didn't try hard enough to succeed. Let them. I've had the safe life of 'married with children' I've done my dance for them. Now I dance for me. I don't know how. I don't know why but I do know what to do. Be.
It was a mixed group, many of us didn't know each other as we were from different aspects of her life: Friends, clients, co-workers, even an ex-boyfriend's family. I cried as I said goodbye to her. I took her face in my hands and told her to be kind to herself. I told her I loved her. I was surprised how emotional it was for me. Loss...again.
We were asked by the host to bring with us a photo and/or a memory we wanted to share with her. I wrote a note this morning and opened it with a Buddhist quote,
There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.
I added, "You have already started, now go all the way. "
I was talking to her and to myself too. "Go all the way" what does that mean for me?
I think it means that I shouldn't try to do things the way other people want me to do it, that I should stay true to my vision and follow my heart.
Yet, if I follow my heart, I don't see how it works out. There is no set path where I want to go.
If I follow my heart people with think I am being lazy or not strong enough. People will judge me as not being smart.
My father told me when I was 12 or so, "Learn to play the game" meaning life.
That advice didn't turn out too well for him, besides, I don't want to learn to play the game.
There is a job fair on Thursday. I don't want to go. I don't want to dress up in slacks and a blazer, shake hands and give out my resume. I don't want to participate in this drama where everyone knows their roles.
I don't want a role. I don't want to play. I want to be. I want to be honest and open.
I understand the need for a social persona but I don't mine to greatly differ from who I am.
I hear the arguments & advice of my mother, deceased father, friends, ex-husband, and acquaintances. It is THEIR view, not mine.
In my mind I hear the "What if I am wrong? What if this is the only option? Am I so naive?"
I don't know. My advice to my children would be to follow their own path even if I knew it was a life of hardship. If they are clear on what brings them joy, peace, then I say, "Go for it!"
Why do I hesitate to champion my own path? Perhaps because I am still living off my ex-husband. I am living in the addition over the garage, he pays the bills. I am paying for my food and gas.
What do I want more, independence or time? Time.
I know I need to stay still for a while. Sure, keep sending out resumes and look for work, but to do what I feel called to do: Studying, meditation, being kind to people, praying for world peace (seriously), petting my cats, doing chores, and writing.
It's not forever, it is for now.
I wish I could run out there and find a fabulous job where everyone would respect me when I answered their query, "So Patty, where do work?"
No, no that is not my wish. My wish is that I walk into a place and feel it would be a good place to work there, ask them for a job and get it. My wish is that I would have a job where I feel I am making a positive difference in the world.
Other people might not get me. They may think that I have wasted my life. They might think I didn't try hard enough to succeed. Let them. I've had the safe life of 'married with children' I've done my dance for them. Now I dance for me. I don't know how. I don't know why but I do know what to do. Be.
Friday, 13 September 2013
wet
A dark rainy day. The ground is saturated. I feel soaked, inside and out.
I broke off a friendship today. I was trying to take the quiet way out but she emailed and asked me point blank, so I replied.
I offered to meet and talk in person. She wanted it now. I told the truth knowing it would not be appreciated. It wasn't.
Her reply was defensive and crude. I accept it.
Another loss, another walking away. Why?
We were friends a few years ago and I ended it because although we shared a lot in common she was mean-spirited to her kids, yelling at them. I didn't want to be part of it. I tried to offer help with parenting, the gods know I have been at my wits end many times. I couldn't help so I left, without saying why, just falling-on-my-sword kind of thing.
Now that I think of it, the way she treated her kids was very similar to how my father talked to us. Hmm...
Anyway, she got back in touch with me earlier this year and she seemed changed, more mellow. I took the friendship slow. We do have a wonderful 'click' with humor and dancing. It is a rare thing indeed. I will miss the deep laughs, great conversations and a fabulous dancing partner.
Buggers!
With all that is happening with me, I knew this is what I needed to do. I dreaded doing it. It's done.
I don't want to be in a relationship where I had to hide or lie about myself. Letting go, again!
Like the weather, I lack sunshine and warmth today. I am cold.
I broke off a friendship today. I was trying to take the quiet way out but she emailed and asked me point blank, so I replied.
I offered to meet and talk in person. She wanted it now. I told the truth knowing it would not be appreciated. It wasn't.
Her reply was defensive and crude. I accept it.
Another loss, another walking away. Why?
We were friends a few years ago and I ended it because although we shared a lot in common she was mean-spirited to her kids, yelling at them. I didn't want to be part of it. I tried to offer help with parenting, the gods know I have been at my wits end many times. I couldn't help so I left, without saying why, just falling-on-my-sword kind of thing.
Now that I think of it, the way she treated her kids was very similar to how my father talked to us. Hmm...
Anyway, she got back in touch with me earlier this year and she seemed changed, more mellow. I took the friendship slow. We do have a wonderful 'click' with humor and dancing. It is a rare thing indeed. I will miss the deep laughs, great conversations and a fabulous dancing partner.
Buggers!
With all that is happening with me, I knew this is what I needed to do. I dreaded doing it. It's done.
I don't want to be in a relationship where I had to hide or lie about myself. Letting go, again!
Like the weather, I lack sunshine and warmth today. I am cold.
Thursday, 12 September 2013
literally?
This is where my mind is today...do I take myself far too literally? For someone who has studied mythology, hence METAPHOR, for all of my adult life, am I really just now getting around to this question?
What I mean by this is this: I treat life as though I AM the center, that somehow who I am is most important. I am happy, I am in pain, I am confused, I am tired, ad nauseam.
What if I am wrong? What if my life is about opening up to 'mystery' (god, goddess, spirit, truth, etc.) and I've been following the wrong map? What if with all my intelligence, I am mistaken?
August was quite a month for me. You know the old saying, "Those who will not follow, the gods will drag". I've been dragged. What have I learned?
I've learned to be humble. I've learned that I can be arrogant, especially about who I think I am. I've learned that it doesn't take much for the rug to be pulled out from under what we think is a stable and secure life. We topple. We go in shock.
I couldn't believe and still haven't 100% assimilated, what unfolded so quickly. What did I see? Truths, truths that I was skirting around and didn't realize I was.
So this brings me to my thought of the day: What if I take myself too literally?
I think I do.
What does it look like if I lighten up? If I stop trying to win, succeed, impress, and achieve? Oh that is the $64,000 question, isn't it?
I am using a lot of question marks in this blog. Lot of wondering going on here.
On another note, the weather in VT has been crazy. One day using the woodstove, the next it's 88 and humid and the fans are dragged out of the addition. Powerful hail/rain/thunderstorm yesterday and again today. Wild energy flying all over the place. Weird lightening, long rolling thunder, for hours!
Nice to see I am not the only one going through changes/transitions.
Tomorrow we are supposed to be back to September VT weather, in the 60s.
I am not sure where I am heading in my life. A part of me wants to go back to being a stay-at-home mother who homeschools her 2 boys. That life is over and it happened while I wasn't watching, apparently.
I am at a crossroad. I look around and do not see a road that I want to take but then again, I can't see very well right now. It's all hazy, cloudy so I am standing still waiting for things to settle.
I don't want to make any mistakes but that it not my decision, is it? I want to walk a path guaranteed to work out well, yeah right, who ever gets those odds?
I say I want an answer but I have an answer. I am fighting with the truth again. The truth is...I need to stay put, stand still and WAIT. I don't wanna wait! See, taking myself too literally. Stop it. Open up. Breathe. Trust. Believe.
Okay, I've been dragged enough. Enough already. I wait...
What I mean by this is this: I treat life as though I AM the center, that somehow who I am is most important. I am happy, I am in pain, I am confused, I am tired, ad nauseam.
What if I am wrong? What if my life is about opening up to 'mystery' (god, goddess, spirit, truth, etc.) and I've been following the wrong map? What if with all my intelligence, I am mistaken?
August was quite a month for me. You know the old saying, "Those who will not follow, the gods will drag". I've been dragged. What have I learned?
I've learned to be humble. I've learned that I can be arrogant, especially about who I think I am. I've learned that it doesn't take much for the rug to be pulled out from under what we think is a stable and secure life. We topple. We go in shock.
I couldn't believe and still haven't 100% assimilated, what unfolded so quickly. What did I see? Truths, truths that I was skirting around and didn't realize I was.
So this brings me to my thought of the day: What if I take myself too literally?
I think I do.
What does it look like if I lighten up? If I stop trying to win, succeed, impress, and achieve? Oh that is the $64,000 question, isn't it?
I am using a lot of question marks in this blog. Lot of wondering going on here.
On another note, the weather in VT has been crazy. One day using the woodstove, the next it's 88 and humid and the fans are dragged out of the addition. Powerful hail/rain/thunderstorm yesterday and again today. Wild energy flying all over the place. Weird lightening, long rolling thunder, for hours!
Nice to see I am not the only one going through changes/transitions.
Tomorrow we are supposed to be back to September VT weather, in the 60s.
I am not sure where I am heading in my life. A part of me wants to go back to being a stay-at-home mother who homeschools her 2 boys. That life is over and it happened while I wasn't watching, apparently.
I am at a crossroad. I look around and do not see a road that I want to take but then again, I can't see very well right now. It's all hazy, cloudy so I am standing still waiting for things to settle.
I don't want to make any mistakes but that it not my decision, is it? I want to walk a path guaranteed to work out well, yeah right, who ever gets those odds?
I say I want an answer but I have an answer. I am fighting with the truth again. The truth is...I need to stay put, stand still and WAIT. I don't wanna wait! See, taking myself too literally. Stop it. Open up. Breathe. Trust. Believe.
Okay, I've been dragged enough. Enough already. I wait...
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