wintery mix

For the next few days, there will be rain, snow and ice.  There is nothing worse than rain when we have snow on the ground.  Wet snow…ugh!

I tell myself the weather affects everyone so I am not alone.  It helps.

As for my moods of late…wintry mix of tears, sadness, and bewilderment.

Since Sunday, I have been off-center.  I explained it to my boys as there are too many outlets plugged into an outlet.  Something's gotta give and in the meantime, everything is dim.

I am dim-witted and talking to myself this week.    I feel an overload of mental energy and something else that I can't put my finger on.

I know this will sound odd but I really feel as though I am going through some kind of change.  Perceptions shifting, trying to see everyone and everything in a beautiful sense, letting go of old templates of my family.

The boys aren't boys anymore.  I don't get to play Santa anymore.  They have moved on to other things.  I suppose the generations move on but I am beginning to see how it is to stand still while the younger generation ventures out.

What do I do now?  I don't want to pretend.  I don't want to do nothing. I don't want to make them feel bad, feel sorry for me.  I don't want to feel sorry for myself.

Something new.   I am considering going to help out with the community dinner 45 minutes away on Christmas.  I could also go to a movie at 5pm.  So all is not lost.

I am letting my kids choose what they want to do.  I've never done that before.  Christmas was always a stay-at-home family day.  With the divorce and them wanting to be with friends, the old way is gone.

I am also unsure of myself these days.  I am usually so in control and marching forward.  These days I am like an injured bird, unable to fly and my wings hurt.

I am grappling with understanding what is the truth now.  This transition time is like grief.  You know someone died but it can't be true.  It is too big to deal with in one step so you take in a little at a time.  Like feeding a baby, you push the spoonful of mush into their mouths, they get some but not all, the rest is pushed out and you scoop it back on the spoon and again, put it into their mouth.

I am taking some in and pushing the rest out.  I am in shock in some way.  I hear myself say "Unbelievable" aloud.  What is unbelievable, that things would change?  My sons would grow up?  I would grow older and ill?  The family dynamic would change?

I thought I'd have more time.  I thought it would happen so gradually that it would be okay.

I was wrong.

As I struggle to hold on to some sense of self and reality, I think of others and wish everyone peace and happiness.  I am not sure what else to do. I don't want to come completely undone.  I don't' want to upset anyone.  I don't want to bother anyone.  I want everyone to be okay and I am serious when I mean everyone.  Perhaps then I will find some peace.

Peace and grace.