Rudy

I woke up with ease today, wide awake and ready to go.  I love mornings like this.

Alas, it didn't last the morning.

My son (18) and I have been on an emotional merry-go-round for about a year.  It goes like this:
He seems fine for 2-3 days and then gets moody…then he gets more moody…then he blames every problem he ever had on the way he looks…then he compares himself with everyone else and always comes out a loser…and then he gets furious because I can't fix everything to his image of how he and everything else should be.

My pattern is to see him doing well…then see the mood and try to help him get back on track…I give him skills/choices (writing or therapy or go for a run)…I point out that he doesn't seem like himself…I am cheerful…then I get impatient…then I get more impatient…then, I lose my temper (sometimes I cry).

Today's scenario:
I am happy and sweeping out the back porch.  He comes in and it is as though all the fresh air has been sucked out of the room.   I am standing on the event horizon of a black hole.  I do not want to react as I usually do because I don't want to be part of the problem anymore.  I listen to him.  I tell him how I feel (frustrated, hurt) about his lying.  I go in my room and cry.  Then, I leave to drop off garbage and recycle.  I then drive down to NH to a cafe.  I write for 90 minutes trying to see what is going on.

It comes to this:
I have been acting as though I am responsible for his thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  I am not.
I have been believing that I could "turn him around."  I can't.
I didn't want to see the truth of what he has been doing for months.  I see it now.
I am very sad because I don't know anymore if I like him and that is a big no-no for a mother.
He is no longer a child yet not an adult.  How to deal with him?

For now, I am going to focus on not accepting responsibility for what he does.  I have been über responsible for too long.  I am going to see what I have been doing that is not helping rather than see so clearly what he is doing wrong.

Which brings us to the title of today's blog:
I went into a thrift shop today and browsed around.  This was a way to be around people as I didn't want to be alone nor did I want to go home.  As I was leaving I found myself looking at teddy bears on a shelf.  I do not recall even walking over there but there I was.  He was sitting there, a VT teddy bear but an older version.  He is darker and squatter and rounder.  I needed a friend and there he was.  I held onto him like you would a 9 month old and walked over to the cashier.  $5.  We walked to the car.  I put him in the passenger seat.

"What should I call you?" I asked.  There was no answer.

Later in the day I went to see the movie, The Book Thief. When I ran back to my car (it is SO cold here) and remembered my new friend, his name came to me, Rudy…RudyBear.  Perfect!

(Rudy is the name of the good friend of the book thief character.)  I too need a friend.

I put RudyBear on the left side of my lap and drove home under the crescent moon.  I didn't feel alone.  Hopefully, neither did Rudy.