the day after

So of course today I want to curl up and die of embarrassment about what I did yesterday.  I have second guessed myself hundreds of times.  It started last night after midnight as I tried to fall asleep.

I let it go while I was running today (beautiful run, by the way) and for most of the day, although I did check email and my cell phone with more gusto that usual.

Now I realize that I might not get any response and how will I handle that one?

Taking a chance like that is a big gamble and I did not consider how I would feel or what I would do if things didn't work out.

Again, so unlike me to do something like this.  It felt so good yesterday to break free of rules and just let out what I was feeling and thinking.

Today I think about what I wrote and cringe inside.  Why did I do it?  Because it was true.  I like him.  Sue me, eh?

The problem for me now is how do I stop beating myself up for it.  How do I accept what is and let it be.

The thoughts going through my head are "What the hell were you thinking, a guy like that would like a woman like you?"  That stings!  It makes me want to cry.

I was alive yesterday, fresh.  I saw possibilities not the same old, same old.  Perhaps I was mistaken that he might of have been curious about me too.  I tried.  I expressed myself.

So here I sit, still wanting to find a big rock to crawl under.  I am ashamed of myself and yet there is also that feeling of "At least I made an effort".  I didn't see a chance and run away.  I met it head-on.

Sure, there was a chance of a crash and burn but at the time, I didn't worry about it.

If there was going to be a response it most likely would have been today.

I am sad.  I am sad that the feelings I have for him are not felt by him too.  I have always been afraid to dream, to dream for what I want.  I was afraid that it wouldn't come true because I asked for it.

In some way, I expect the rejection.  I still have that child's perspective "If I think of something bad then something good will happen".  I am a silly person aren't I?

It's okay to like someone.  It is okay to dream that they will like you too.  It's okay to dream of love.

I give myself permission to be a human being.  I like myself. I am friends with me. I didn't do anything wrong.  I didn't intentionally hurt anyone.  I was honest and I reached out...with both hands.

It going to be okay.  It is okay.