taking a chance

What a day!

It started with a follow up mammogram.  Tip: It is not a great way to start the day having to wear a short cape, stand near a weird machine and have your breast SHMOOSHED flat.

Anyway, there may or may not be something happening.  Inconclusive.

I spoke with my regular doc and she recommended a needle biopsy.  So be it.  I await the day and time.

Here is the magic of the day: There is a man I have met twice before who makes me feel as though all is right with the world.  And knowing me, that is a miracle.  The first time I met him I remember feeling as though I was in a whirlpool, seriously it felt as though there were highly charged magnets swirling energy in the room whenever I looked at him.  I told myself I was nuts and tried hard not to think about it because it was that odd.

The second time, boom, there it was again.  A alchemical connection.  I have never sensed that with anyone before.  There is a calm about him, a gentle grounding hum.  I know, weird, right?

It is so strong that I continued to talk myself out of it even after the 2nd time I saw him.  I would laugh to myself too, "You're funny," I would say aloud, afraid of what it really meant to feel that way.

I first met him in February and then in April.  It is in a public social situation, we've only talked for a few minutes each time.

I saw him again today.   BOOM, it is still there.  I thought it was just me but as I was walking away he said "It's always good to see you again."  Hmm...

I turned around and said, "Yes, I enjoy seeing you too."

It was then that I realized that I need to do something.  This is silly.  I am 48.  Life is short.  How many times I have felt this way about a stranger?  None.  What do I have to lose?

I wrote a note while sitting in my "Hemingway's Short Stories" class this afternoon.  It was short but honest.  I told him that I thought he was a kind person and since we had running in common perhaps he would like to meet for coffee sometime.

I have NEVER done this before in my life.  What is going on with me???

This is so NOT ME.  I dropped off the note with a secretary at his place of business.  As I walked away I felt relieved, elated, and scared out of my wits!

What the hell am I doing?

Taking a chance.  I have always been afraid of men.  I have only dated one man and I married him after knowing him for 6 months.  I have been divorced for 2 years and have never even thought of dating anyone.

But here's the thing, I am highly intuitive and I have never felt the energy of anyone like him.  It is so calm.  I can't explain it but I feel it.  This isn't fireworks and oh he's so cute, blah blah blah.  This is wow I didn't know a person like him could exist.

Our conversations have been business focused so I don't know much about him.

What have I done?  Again I smile and laugh to myself.  It's not like I jumped up and did this.  I knew in Feb. that there was something there, for me anyway.

He's probably married or has a lovely beautiful girlfriend.  I may have assumed his "it's always good to see you" was something it wasn't.   Either way, I am not mistaken that I am attracted to him.

Here comes my shame for feeling.  Old behaviors die hard.  It's okay to feel.  It's okay to check things out.  It's okay to want to be close to someone.  It's okay to put myself out there.

These are difficult things for me.  I am so used to taking care of things myself and never expecting anyone to be there for me.  I have sealed myself off, in some way.

Whatever happens or doesn't happen, I followed my heart.  My heart and I are happy to be alive and willing to live again.

Sure, I will feel awkward if I don't hear from him and then see him in a few months but it was a kind note I sent.  Perhaps he will feel flattered and leave it at that.  I don't know.

I do know this: I don't want to keep living in fear and doubt.  I don't want to keep treating myself as someone who has no right to be and to feel.   I am as worthy as the next person.

Three was the magic number for me.  I told myself that if I still felt that 'woosh' when I saw him again that I would do something.  I did, so I did.

I could easily turn this into a mess and make fun of myself but I won't.  I see what I did as a big step in courage.  I am proud of myself.  I showed up.  I took a risk.  I didn't run away or talk myself out of it.

Today I took a chance and that alone, is a wondrous thing!   :)