another goodbye

I just got home from a potluck afternoon gathering.  We were there to wish a mutual friend all the best in her new life in Pennsylvania.  She is moving back to the state she grew up in.  She has family there. She is 45 and single, a massage therapist who is looking to change her life.

It was a mixed group, many of us didn't know each other as we were from different aspects of her life: Friends, clients, co-workers, even an ex-boyfriend's family.  I cried as I said goodbye to her.  I took her face in my hands and told her to be kind to herself. I told her I loved her.  I was surprised how emotional it was for me.  Loss...again.

We were asked by the host to bring with us a photo and/or a memory we wanted to share with her.  I wrote a note this morning and opened it with a Buddhist quote,
There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.

I added, "You have already started, now go all the way. "

I was talking to her and to myself too.  "Go all the way"  what does that mean for me?

I think it means that I shouldn't try to do things the way other people want me to do it, that I should stay true to my vision and follow my heart.

Yet, if I follow my heart, I don't see how it works out.  There is no set path where I want to go.

If I follow my heart people with think I am being lazy or not strong enough.  People will judge me as not being smart.

My father told me when I was 12 or so, "Learn to play the game"  meaning life.

That advice didn't turn out too well for him, besides, I don't want to learn to play the game.

There is a job fair on Thursday.  I don't want to go.  I don't want to dress up in slacks and a blazer, shake hands and give out my resume.  I don't want to participate in this drama where everyone knows their roles.

I don't want a role.  I don't want to play.  I want to be.  I want to be honest and open.

I understand the need for a social persona but I don't mine to greatly differ from who I am.

I hear the arguments & advice of my mother, deceased father, friends, ex-husband, and acquaintances.  It is THEIR view, not mine.

In my mind I hear the "What if I am wrong? What if this is the only option? Am I so naive?"

I don't know.  My advice to my children would be to follow their own path even if I knew it was a life of hardship.  If they are clear on what brings them joy, peace, then I say, "Go for it!"

Why do I hesitate to champion my own path?  Perhaps because I am still living off my ex-husband.  I am living in the addition over the garage, he pays the bills.  I am paying for my food and gas.

What do I want more, independence or time?  Time.

I know I need to stay still for a while.  Sure, keep sending out resumes and look for work, but to do what I feel called to do: Studying, meditation, being kind to people, praying for world peace (seriously), petting my cats, doing chores, and writing.

It's not forever, it is for now.

I wish I could run out there and find a fabulous job where everyone would respect me when I answered their query, "So Patty, where do work?"

No, no that is not my wish.  My wish is that I walk into a place and feel it would be a good place to work there, ask them for a job and get it.  My wish is that I would have a job where I feel I am making a positive difference in the world.

Other people might not get me.  They may think that I have wasted my life.  They might think I didn't try hard enough to succeed.  Let them.  I've had the safe life of 'married with children' I've done my dance for them.    Now I dance for me.  I don't know how.  I don't know why but I do know what to do.  Be.