emptiness

I had a lot of dreams last night although I cannot recall them, only glances.  I woke up looking forward to taking a shower. ( I took off my pressure bandage from the biopsies last night.)  I am still sore and it looks black and blue on the breast, but I think the worst of the pain is over.

It felt good to be clean.  I headed out for my morning coffee, checked the mail and went for a short walk in town.  I miss running but the walk was nice.

I came home by 9:30 to watch the live stream of the Dalai Lama's teaching in NYC.  I brought my laptop into the kitchen so I could listen while processing all of my dried herbs from this year's garden. The smells were fabulous: sage, thyme, sacred basil (tulsi tea), rosemary, and chamomile.

I cleaned the kitchen too.  It felt good to have energy.

I decided some big things today.  I am not going to accept the job offer from the hospital.  I have several logical reasons to accept but my intuition tells me it is not the job for me.  I type this easily but it has been a very difficult decision.  I am breaking new patterns by not grabbing at the first things offered to me.  The voice in my head says, "You have to take it.  What if another job offer doesn't come?  What will people think?  WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE BY SAYING NO?"

Amazing to see all the snakes slither out of the grass as I decide not to take this job.

I am also coming to terms with the biopsy results.  I honestly thought I had cancer and didn't realize how much I had already prepared for the bad news.

I'll have to see a new doctor soon and they are recommending a surgical biopsy to make sure all of the surrounding tissue is healthy.    I have 2 surgical clips in the breast (I didn't know that a few days ago) so they will know exactly where to go.

I am not looking forward to day-surgery but I am assuming it will put an end to this diagnosis.  Strict follow every 6 months for 2 years too.

I am an odd person.  I am realizing I fear life in a way that most people fear death.  I am scared.  I am unsure of myself.  I feel sad about all the suffering in the world.

Listening to the Dalai Lama today, I heard him talk about something I have read about: emptiness.  Not like an empty box but more like, no absolute solidity that is separate from everything else.  Meaning that there is no "Patty" particle somewhere in my body.   There is no hidden table particle in a table, that makes it a table.

So I am flirting around with this idea of emptiness and finding it surprisingly calming to me.  I don't need to take myself so darn seriously.  I am part of the universe, not the center of it.  The truth is what it is.  I don't need to argue with it.  Fighting with it, to find what I WANT, is silly and it hurts.

I end up miserable like a lot of other people because life didn't work out for me.  Me?  Why should it work out for just me?

I feel a very strong connection with the world, with other people.  I feel hurt and sad when I see people who are unhappy.  I smile at people.  I send them prayers when I see them.  I attempt to be kind whenever I can.

I feel so part of all this...life, and yet I also look to run away from it, to be done, safe.  Why do I assume that death would make any of that easier?  I have no clue what happens at death.  But if there is any continuation of my soul (spirit or consciousness) I will still be wanting to stop other's suffering as well as seeking my own inner peace.

I read yesterday, world peace begins with inner peace.   I don't know how to create world peace but I can work on inner peace.  It starts with accepting the truth.  The truth of my fears, my worries, my joys and my biopsy results.    I am staying in the now.  Breathing.  I am ok.  My peace adds to the big peace.  I can do something to help and that makes me grateful to be alive.