my role

I had therapy today.

As I was talking to her about my son and what happened over the weekend, I said that I wasn't feeling anything.  She said, "You're feeling something."

The truth is that I have cut off my feelings, they seem too much.

She also mentioned that while I was being clear about what my son's patterns were, I was also seeing some of my own.

My relationship patterns…hmm, that stopped me for a moment.

What do I do in my relationships?  I am the caregiver,  I am the savior.  I listen, pay attention, offer suggestions on how to change things.  People think my insights are amazing, for a while anyway.  I sense people being off balance, disingenuous, lost.

People seem to like it at first.  They count on me.  They tell me how easy it is to talk to me.  They notice my intuitive abilities to get to the bottom of a situation.  I can 'read' people. I 'read' them.

Then, they don't like me so much anymore.  I begin to get frustrated with their same old stories.  It takes me a very long time, months…years, but finally one day I will say, "Why do you still keep doing the same thing an expecting the outcome to be different,"

I can now ask myself that same question.  "Why do I keep doing the same thing expecting a different result?"

My first reaction is because sometimes it works.  I've had success with my youngest son and with one friend.  So, what I do isn't totally out of the question.  Is it???

So the question becomes why don't I stop trying to help those who don't' want to be helped?  Because I want them to be better for ME!  I want more friends, more people to connect to, to share life with.

I find the people who are just beginning to realize that the life they are living isn't going to hold up forever.  We have great conversations.  I share with them what I am doing.  I offer to lend them books.  But sooner or later, they start to feel pressure from me or they start reacting as though I think I am better than them.

Do I think I am better than them?  No, but I do think that I am working harder than they are? Yes, yes I do.

I don't want to stay the same.  I am continuously challenging myself.  I have done so since I was 19…pushing, pulling, questioning, wondering.  It is a messing thing sometimes but I don't want to stop.  I don't want to accept what is and say "oh well."

I am not trying to make things perfect, I don't believe that is possible.  What I am doing is looking for the truth.  I know this quest may never end and all I'll be left with is a lifetime of questioning but this is who I am.  This is my bliss.

It's been a battle at times for me to keep going.  I keep going.  How have I failed to notice that this is not everyone's path?  Just because people say they want things to change doesn't mean that they are willing to do something to change it.  Some people will talk and complain about it their whole life.  Some people will take it and take it and then, after a very long time, so something to change it.
Everyone has their timeline.

I have to stop assuming that what people say is also what they mean.

On another topic…

When I was driving today, I noticed how things looked in my review mirror.  Is that where I spend my life, looking at where I have been?   Am I assuming that life will be just more of the same?

Where is my focus?  On what has been?  Is this why I seem to meet the same kind of people?  Is this why I can find a pattern in my relationships?  Am I only getting close to people who remind me of people I have already met?

Am I open to new experiences, new people, new relationships?  Do I think that I am only worth friendships that need me to 'save' the other person?   Am I drawn to ill people so I can play dr?

This is not easy to look at but I know there is truth here.

How do I care for someone and not save them?  What else am I good for?  Do I think this is the only reason they like my anyway?  Is this my hook to pull them in?

How sad is that?  This reminds me of my family…wanting desperately to save them from themselves or from alcohol or from their spouses.   I am not sure I know another way of showing how much I care.

Hmm…lots to think about.  I am glad that I am heading out to meditation soon.  Om.