thank you, hello

This is what I sound like as I drive along the highway.  I look out on the trees, mountains, snow…everything I see, and I express my gratitude.  It is seeing the world with new eyes.

I don't know how to explain it.  I don't know what it means.

Perhaps it is similar to learning a new language.  You say these wounds but they don't intuitively make any sense yet.  You have to THINK about what you are saying and what you are hearing.

I am reaching out to hat is around me which pulls me out of my usual stance of "me vs the rest of the world".

Why have I always assumed that I was somehow not attached to everything else?  Sure I have a boundary of my self, my body.  But what don't we take in?  I breath.  I sense things.  I eat.  I am connected to everything, even other people's thoughts.

I used to think I was special, being able to tune into people.  No.  I am doing what everyone is capable of but perhaps is so distracted, forgot.

There are people who as soon as I met them, I want to get away from them.  I used to feel had about that, that somehow I thought I was better than them, that I was acting superior.  I used to feel bad that I wasn't able to deal with it.

I am beginning to understand what it was I was reacting to: the truth.  Particle physics tells us that matter is energy.  Why do we incorrectly assume that that does not apply to us?  Apply to everything?  Can you imagine everything being energy?   Your emotions, thoughts, the ground, your house?

I know this sounds crazy but this isn't a simple "Oh everything is alive, look!" thing.  Maybe it is.

I am a newbie to this perspective.  I've been meditating, questioning, reading, studying most of my adult life.  Did I think this is what it would lead me to?  No way.

I was searching for a happy place outside of the world.  A heaven of sorts where I would be in bliss.

What I am experiencing is being MORE intrenched in the world and other people.  I feel more present, more alive, more capable of kindness.  I am calmer.  I am also quite perplexed.

What is this?  I don't know.

I feel less alone.  I feel less totally responsible for things.  I am more a part of it all.  Important still but not anymore so than anyone or anything else.  It is becoming clearer and clearer that I am here to be me.  But describing what that 'me' is, now that would be impossible to put into words.

The best I can do is say it is a shift of perspective, a refocusing of a camera lens, what was out of focus is clear and what was the clear center, is now background.

There is no difference (on some level) of who we are as individuals and the environment we are in.
If that is a shared experience,  then the things we do, the thoughts we think, instantaneously affect where we are, those there and the place itself.

I know, this sounds weird.  I know.

I also have this whispering fear that says "Now that you have asked for this wisdom, it was given, but you will also be given the opportunity to use it."  Gulp, yikes.

I have made some decisions regrading this, including writing more and spring more time in nature.  I've let go of more things…cleaning out my drawers and closet yesterday.

I am taking it slow.  Baby steps.  I am not sure I believe what is happening.  I am at the earliest stage of whatever this is.

I have noticed that whatever quote I read, from whatever philosophy or religion, makes sense.  Again, is like learning a language.  I have found(?) a keystone to something.  Things that I read as black and white letters now sing.

I look the same.  I do the same things.  Yet, something has changed.

Thank you and hello.