mirror image

I had a strong dream a few nights ago.  So much so that the image has stayed with me day after day.

In the dream I am in the changing room of a large upscale department store.  I am getting ready for a date and when I've changed my clothes, put on some lipstick and tousled my hair, I look into the mirror.  I do not recognize myself.  I look like a Frida Kahlo self portrait except my mouth and lips are larger and more deep red, my eye brows do not touch and I have no facial hair.  The colors are so similar to an older portrait of Kahlo's, it is eery.

I try to remove some of the paint, but then my teeth show with no lips so I realize I can't rub it away.  When I look closely in the mirror I see hairline fractures, tiny cracks, on the surface.

The paint colors are bold and I have no subtleness or beauty.  I am rendered harshly and without care, love.

I remark to myself in the dream that the solid color of my skin is unnatural, there is no brown shade like that in nature.  None of it is real.   Bold stokes, flat lifeless colors, and unrealistic.

I am not sure why the dream's image bothers me so.   I find it ugly…grotesque and it disturbs me.

I had this dream 2 days before I left for a week long trip to my mother's for the holiday week.   It also come to me as I am reading a new Buddhist book and my thoughts are often in deep places trying to figure out what is what.  I had an idea the other day that I cannot use my mind to figure out my mind.  That stopped me thinking!  hahaha

I am at my mom's and very conscious of being grateful to her, my two sons and life.  It feels as though I am going through a shift, a change and all I can do is go for the ride.  Thinking of a river, I am floating along and seem to be coming upon rapids.  Somehow I know I'll be okay and yet, something also tells me that I won't be the same when all is done.

We'll see.