it's okay

I took a chance.  I did not receive any reply from him.

Do I regret it?  No.

I did what I did for me.  I had feelings and I expressed them.  Fear was not part of the equation.
I suppose if I would of thought about it more, I would not have written that letter and dropped it at the desk.  Maybe that it why I did it so quickly.  I needed to live outside the heavy-handed rules of my mind.

I followed my heart 100%.  I do like him.  I also do not know anything about him.  I know he is good at what he does and I know that from the moment I met him, I felt a sense of peace and kindness.

Being a psychology major in college (and in life) I looked up animus projection.  That is usually more intense, more of a "I can't live without this person" mania.

This was more of a "the world IS a kind place, look at him, he is a kind person" kind of thing.

I didn't fantasize about sleeping with him.  I fantasized about talking to him or just staring at him while he talked.   I liked the way the world felt when he was around, safe and zen-like.

I've never had this experience before.  Now I know.

Now I know if it ever happens again that it might just be me projecting my dreams on another person.  How does this work again...let me try to remember Jung's theories.  We find the people who we can most easily accept our projections, so they have something familiar to them and we fill in the blanks.

Yes, I can see where I did this with this man.  I don't know if he is boring as all hell outside of work.  I don't know if he is religious, prejudice, shallow, does he kick his dog, does he even have a dog?

Ah,  my life goes on.  I ran today.  I am so happy to be running more often.  It was a tough run.  My legs felt like cement for the whole 2 miles, but I did it.

I bumped into a friend later in the morning and we had a nice conversation.  I cooked up some bacon for lunch.  I love bacon.

Oh and I have a job interview on Monday at 11am.  It's part time for a retirement community as a weekend concierge.  Hey, it's something.  Baby steps.

I have not heard about my appointment for the biopsy yet.  Have I mentioned my call-back mammogram results yet?

That happened the morning of the 'Letter incident".  There are new tiny calcifications in my left breast and the doctor suggested a biopsy to make sure it isn't malignant.  I agreed.

Maybe having that happen on Wednesday made me more prone to the feelings I wrote about?  Life is short and how often do we meet people who we feel good around?  I am sure it was part of it.

I've lost my father, sister and brother to cancer...I've always thought I would get it too.  We are all B type of blood people in the family.  Interesting.  My mom, brother, and other sister have O type blood.

I always felt I would die around the age of my sister Kathy, who was 45 when she died of lung cancer. (not from smoking)

I am 48.  Well, the sooner I get the biopsy the better.  I haven't told my mother.  I'll wait for the results.

Tomorrow is the first day of autumn.  Happy Fall!  I so love this time of year.   It is supposed to be rainy tomorrow.  A good day to stay in and read.  I am taking a class on the short stories of Ernest Hemingway.  I will read 'Indian Camp' tomorrow.

I am not sure how I feel about this week.  A lot happened and yet nothing happened.

I want so much to live, to love, to share, to help.   I am ashamed to admit that I would enjoy a companion in my life.  I feel ashamed because I know almost everyone wants that and so few get it.

It's like wishing for a million dollars in some way, although I don't wish for money.  I know what I am looking for...I know.  I am just not sure I'll get a chance in this lifetime...or if there is another lifetime.

I am human.  It's okay to need.  It's okay to wish.  Isn't it?