hearts

When I got the call on Tuesday that my mom had a small fender bender, I was alarmed.  Two days later when she was still in the hospital due to abnormal heart enzymes, I was worried.  The following day I got the call from my nephew telling me that she needed by-pass surgery. (2 blocked arteries)

I canceled my job interview, picked up my son, drove home to pack and headed south on the 6 hour trip to Long Island.  While driving down, I found out that my mother had a heart attack and they put 2 stents in.  She was in I.C.U. when I got there but she looked good.

Three days later she was home.

It's been a whirlwind and I am beginning to assimilate what has happened.

I'll be heading home in a few days.

It has felt good to be here for my mother.  She is 76. My nephew and brother seemed to disappear once I got here.  I'm sorry they had to return to their day to day life so quickly.

I had a dream last night that my mother died and as I began to sob, I saw her eyes open.  The dream took place in my elementary school.  It doesn't take much imagination to see where that theme came from.

We never know what life will be each day do we?  Accidents, clogged arteries...bad things end up being a god's send.

I am making sure to take time each day to drive down to the bay (10 minutes away) and meditate. I still myself and listen to the water, the wind.  My thoughts tumble around like sneakers in a dryer.  I stay still and let it be.

The stress and anger on Long Island is palpable.  I don't think I could live down here.  Vermont is more my style these days.

My sons went home a few days ago and I felt such relief when they did.  Being a full time daughter and a full time mother was exhausting.

I find myself missing my cat Bella very much.  Picking her up and putting her on my left shoulder so she can look around while I walk is bliss.   She is the main source of love in my life.  My heart opens wide when we are together.  It sounds funny but it is true.

Being down here has been a break too.  Even though I am dealing with medications, medical appointments, dueling insurance companies, and phone calls from home...it is outside my norm, so it does feel like a break from reality in a way.

I will go home in 4 days to much colder weather.  I've missed autumn in VT.  I've missed peak leaf season. It is still mostly green here on the island.

I have a job interview the day after I get home.  I have medical appts AND a biopsy 2 days after I get home.   Maybe that is why I am no rush to get there?

I have mixed feelings about the biopsy.  Most likely, it will be fine but I do not know.  I hate not knowing.  I also hope it will be something.  Why?  Why would I want a serious diagnosis?  Because I am tired, so tired, of life.

I am not asking to die but perhaps it would be better for me to be ill than someone else.  If I could take someone else's place, I would.

When my sister Kathy was diagnosed with cancer in 1998, I remember telling her I wish I could take her cancer.  She was a bright light who loved life.  I meant it.  She knew it.

I am not sure what will make me more disappointed, to have this biopsy be positive or negative.
Life can be just as scary as death.

Life/death.

My mother is alive and I am very grateful.

Perhaps some day I will feel as grateful for my own.