8 inches and counting...

It is pretty, the thick white covering of earth.  Snow.  A good day to write cards and decorate the tree too.

I have been experiencing grief and sadness.  It is as though the scaffolding of my life is collapsing in slow motion.  My "boys" are gone and they are not coming back.  This is obvious to everyone, including myself, but I am just starting feel it.

It hurts.  I fear I am not strong enough to withstand the flood of emotions:  regrets for what I didn't do, anger for my mistakes, loneliness for having no one to cuddle with...no one to share things with.   When the boys were younger, there was still magic in life.  Now that they have entered into work and college schedules, the magic is gone.

None of my usual holiday rituals work anymore.  They don't want to make cookies.  They aren't thinking about cutting the tree.  They are enjoying their freedom and look forward to spending time with friends.

So, I am alone.

My health has been shitting for weeks.  I ignore it!  I don't talk about it.  I guess I hope it will disappear on its own.

I went for an eye exam last week as I needed a new script, my left eye vision is very blurry.   After tests, my doctor says to me "I've never seen results like this, I can't figure out what is wrong with your left eye"  I acted calm and matter-of-fact when she explained that she wanted me to see a neuro-opthamologist as there is something wrong with my optic nerve.

Great.  Thanks.

I have an appt. in mid-Jan.  

I can't run due to my knee.  I knew the day would come when I wouldn't be able to push my knee anymore, has it come already?  Fuck.

So, as you can see, I am clueless to why life is life.

I am not depressed but I am quiet and withdrawn.   I am TIRED.  I am not sure what the next step is anymore.

I go to my meditation groups and therapy.  I keep the house clean.  I do my errands.

Yesterday, for the first time ever, I went out into the woods, followed some deer tracks, then found a nice tree.  I sawed it down and dragged it into the house.  I even put it into the tree stand, although crooked.

I was happy doing it.   I didn't want to wait for the boys or try to cheer them up and put them in a good mood so they would want to go for the tree.
This is my life now.  I am on my own.

You know that horrible feeling you get when you've asked someone to do something with you and they agree...but then they have a negative attitude and you think to yourself "why did they come then?!"

That is how I feel these days.  I don't want the responsibility of dragging others along or having to make sure their needs are met or being a therapist for them so they can feel better.

I guess, I'm am better off doing things on my own.   There is no one to share them with BUT there is no one to carry on my back either.

I have a lot of crying to do, I can feel the huge lump in my throat.

Later today, I will put the lights on the tree and decorate it alone.

One son is at work all day today and the other s slept over his friend's house and they are going skiing.   My sons are doing well and I really am thrilled for them.

I, on the other hand,  am falling to pieces.  What makes me sadder is that I have to pick up the pieces and paste myself back together again too.

I will focus on making a merry little christmas, doing the things that mean something to me.  And perhaps I won't be so quick to paste myself back together again, maybe some parts needs to be left on the floor.