grasping at concepts...

This is a new one for me, being lonely.  I spend a lot of time alone but feeling lonely?  Not usually.

I spent over an hour in the woods near the house snapping branches into small pieces of kindling.  It was a gorgeous fall day in VT.  Magical.  Some of the trees look as though they are on fire, the colors are intense.

I was fine.

Later when my kids came home for working all day at the farm I felt the pang.  I miss them.  I miss my old life as a mother.  I miss my home.  I miss the past.

I tell myself that I need to accept the new normal.  I am functioning well, doing what needs to be done but in my heart I am bleeding.   That is a horrible thing to write, bleeding, but it is the right word.

I am bleeding to death somehow.  The sadness is pouring out and I don't know if I'll have enough in the end for a life.

I am surprised as I write this what I am saying.  I seem to be learning as I go.

I am going for a 2nd visit to a prospective employer tomorrow. Yes, on a Sunday.  She wants me to fill out an application and something else, I can't recall.  I wanted the job badly a week ago.  Now I feel numb.  It's a mindless weekend job.  Maybe I need mindless right now.

I want to run tomorrow.  I haven't fun in 3 days.  My knee is far from 100% but my mind and heart need to run.  So I will.  I supposed I could ice it and take some motrin.  I am fighting reality about my knee too.

Must I lose it all? My children, home, mother-status, health, money?

I am lonely for connection.  I am lonely for sharing.  I am lonely for someone or something.  If I could run every day that would help.  If not a person than can't I have healthy knees?  (then or then??)

This line came to me last night, I mean BOOM, there it was in my mind as I looked up from the couch:
There is nothing to hold.

This idea of nothing to hold, that nothing is secure, everything is relative was disturbing and calming at the same time.

Calming in that I don't need to work hard to keep anything and disturbing in that I can never achieve what I think I want,  complete assured safety.

Life changes without notification, not even an email.  I am accessing and processing what has already happened.  How aware of now can I possibly be when I am stuck on the past?

It all seems like too much.  Why so much work?  What am I missing?

I won't be alive forever.  Do I want to look back and see that all I did was work, worry, and hide?

How to embrace life and be here now?   How to understand what life is all about?

I feel lonely because I am taking so much on.   Maybe if I let go, it will be okay?

I have been letting go of so much lately.   Am I to hold on to nothing?  

"There is nothing to hold"  I heard last night.  Am I listening?