sharing

I went to my meditation group tonight and shared a 20 minute lecture of Bob Thurman's.  (We usually listen to 20 minutes of Thich Nhat Hahn. )

I had the sense that no one in the group was thrilled with it.  One person even shared that his mind was racing with "This guy talks too much".   I felt a balloon deflate within me.   Even in a Buddhist meditation group, I'm an odd duck?

I LOVE Thurman.  He speaks to me so deeply and I wanted others to like him too.

What am I doing?  Why do I think I need to open people's minds?  Why did I offer to share the CDs?
I feel foolish.  I feel vulnerable. I feel disappointed.

I had a tough day yesterday with my oldest son who insists on believing things that are not true.  I see how upset he gets when he starts with his story, "I should be doing better.  I should be doing more.  My mother keeps me on a short leash."   Yada, yada, yada.  I've heard this TOO MANY times.  It still isn't true.

From my perspective, I see him throwing away so many wonderful things.  He just won't accept who he is and find happiness with what is.

I am having a tough time accepting his behaviors.  He is 18 and thinks that somehow having a birthday entitles him to be treated like an adult.  He wants all the perks and NONE of the responsibility.  Amazing.  I can't count on him to keep his room tidy nevertheless wake up with his alarm.

I wrote a lot last night so I could get clear about what is going on.  I was sad to see what was going on. I need to see what he is doing and stop making excuses for him.  I am care-taking too much.  I understand that he may want a different lifestyle but then, he needs to figure out how he is going to pay for all of it.

I told him I am done doing his wash, waking him up, letting him use my car, washing his dishes and having to remind him several times a day to do his share of the chores.  DONE.

I cleaned the house today with the help of my 16 yr old while MR. I AM 18 NOW,  slept until 11am.

I am not going to ask him for help anymore.  I am adjusting to WHAT IS.  I told him, it is up to him now.  He can take care of himself.  I also told him he can no longer use my car.  DONE.

I am still angry at him because he is causing havoc and chaos in the family but all I can do is stay clear and not get sucked up into the 'soap opera' story lines.

I never thought this would happen but it has.  I am not sure how long it will last or if things will ever go back to what they once were.  I can only deal with what IS happening and do it to the best of my ability.  I find myself saying, "Unbelievable!"  but I need to tell myself that it is very believable.

Motherhood is difficult and challenging!  I am very tired.

I don't understand what he is doing.  It seems so clear that he is making himself miserable.  I can't save the world.  I can't save my own son from suffering.  All I can do is do what needs to be done, be honest. pray, meditate, and take care of what I can.

I feel very alone.    This too shall pass, eh?