receiving

I went to my newest meditation group on Monday. It is only 5 miles away and living in rural VT, that's like saying it is right outside my front door.

I like it because the lights are very low with a candle in the middle of our circle.  There are about 8 of us, men and women.  A nice balanced group.

So now I attend Mondays and Thursdays.  The groups couldn't be more different and yet, I love them both.

After 40 min of meditation, we do a very brief walking meditation.  So, I did the slow walk thing and then sat back down on my cushion/stool thing, but rather than do my normal hands together posture, I opened them up, palms down and rested them on my knees.

My mind told me that that is not right.  "This is how meditation is done!"  I ignored the meditation commando in my mind and just sat.  I sat.  I breathed.  I let me hands remain open.

I have been thinking about that all week.  Why the shift?  I don't know.

At Thursday's meditation, I couldn't get comfortable.  I starting moving...then nothing felt right.  I was not being peaceful and I was aggravating myself.   (So much so, that 2 people down from me, the guy who kept swallowing loudly, but pissing me off too.)

What finally helped?  Opening my hands again, this time one holding the other as though I was waiting for it to be filled.  Hmm...

I am not an experienced receiver.  I am a professional giver.  I can caretake with the best of them.  My innate ability to sense people, that lovely highly developed intuitiveness of mine, well it never got a lot of practice in figuring out to stay still and open up.   It feels too vulnerable because what would I do if nothing came?  What if I just sat there with my hands open and no one filled them or even noticed?

This concept of emptiness has been rolling around in my mind like a marble stuck in a small toy.  Why do things need to be full?   Why don't I appreciate emptiness?  Those spaces in between.

I put 2 tiny empty bowls on a shelf in the living room.  Normally I would find something to full them up with but not this time.  They are empty.  I find that beautiful.

My experience of meditation has been similar.  I have been emptying out ideas, thoughts, beliefs that no longer are true for me.  I've been looking at my hard-wired core and asking simple questions, like, "Is that true?"  "Do I believe that anymore"  "Who told me that anyway?"  

We are changing all the time.  We see it in children most easily but all of us are changing.  It is easy to get stuck in old stories, beliefs, thoughts.

I am letting go of things that no longer serve a true and healthy purpose.  I am allowing them to die so they may recycle/transmute/whatever  into something else.  I am opening my hands to let go.

No more grasping, it doesn't make me stronger anyway.  I am fine without holding on.

Look!  I'm standing all on my own.   It's okay.  I'm okay.  How nice is that?