running into surrender

i went running today.  The first time in over 2 weeks.  The knee has not been well but I needed to do something that feeds my spirit.

The sky threatened rain but I suited up anyway.

After the first few strides, I felt alive.  I was running slower and gingerly due to the knee but I was moving nevertheless.

As I ran I felt an overwhelming surge of gratitude.  I can run.  I can do something joyful even in the midst of fear and chaos.

I looked at the trees and was awed by their silent beauty.

It was humid and sticky out but I kept running.  A bit more than a mile, as I was heading back to the village, I put my arms out, palms up, and said "I surrender".  I didn't think about it before I did it.  It was a natural gesture, like moving bangs out of your eyes.

I opened up to reality, to what is, and stopped fighting.

The truth is bigger than any one person, no matter how scared or determined to the status quo a person can be.  The pain of trying to hold this family together burned out the fear of leaving.

I remember a nature show on PBS where a mother chimp held onto her baby after he died.  She dragged the body around for days, not knowing what happened.

I've been dragging around my family.  I've been hoping that if I held on tight enough and refused to let go, it would come back to life.

No.  Death is death.

I see now that I have been in deep grief since August 12th.   There is no body to drag, there is no body to mourn or bury, but there is death here all the same.

As of today, I can face the truth.

I wasn't running away today, I was running toward the truth.    I found her and she found me.

Here we are, together at last.