grasping at concepts...

This is a new one for me, being lonely.  I spend a lot of time alone but feeling lonely?  Not usually.

I spent over an hour in the woods near the house snapping branches into small pieces of kindling.  It was a gorgeous fall day in VT.  Magical.  Some of the trees look as though they are on fire, the colors are intense.

I was fine.

Later when my kids came home for working all day at the farm I felt the pang.  I miss them.  I miss my old life as a mother.  I miss my home.  I miss the past.

I tell myself that I need to accept the new normal.  I am functioning well, doing what needs to be done but in my heart I am bleeding.   That is a horrible thing to write, bleeding, but it is the right word.

I am bleeding to death somehow.  The sadness is pouring out and I don't know if I'll have enough in the end for a life.

I am surprised as I write this what I am saying.  I seem to be learning as I go.

I am going for a 2nd visit to a prospective employer tomorrow. Yes, on a Sunday.  She wants me to fill out an application and something else, I can't recall.  I wanted the job badly a week ago.  Now I feel numb.  It's a mindless weekend job.  Maybe I need mindless right now.

I want to run tomorrow.  I haven't fun in 3 days.  My knee is far from 100% but my mind and heart need to run.  So I will.  I supposed I could ice it and take some motrin.  I am fighting reality about my knee too.

Must I lose it all? My children, home, mother-status, health, money?

I am lonely for connection.  I am lonely for sharing.  I am lonely for someone or something.  If I could run every day that would help.  If not a person than can't I have healthy knees?  (then or then??)

This line came to me last night, I mean BOOM, there it was in my mind as I looked up from the couch:
There is nothing to hold.

This idea of nothing to hold, that nothing is secure, everything is relative was disturbing and calming at the same time.

Calming in that I don't need to work hard to keep anything and disturbing in that I can never achieve what I think I want,  complete assured safety.

Life changes without notification, not even an email.  I am accessing and processing what has already happened.  How aware of now can I possibly be when I am stuck on the past?

It all seems like too much.  Why so much work?  What am I missing?

I won't be alive forever.  Do I want to look back and see that all I did was work, worry, and hide?

How to embrace life and be here now?   How to understand what life is all about?

I feel lonely because I am taking so much on.   Maybe if I let go, it will be okay?

I have been letting go of so much lately.   Am I to hold on to nothing?  

"There is nothing to hold"  I heard last night.  Am I listening?  

coffee and words

I am sitting in the middle (literally) of a busy cafe.  Above me, on the 3rd level, is a 6 sided horizontal wooden wheel thing. Pretty cool architecture here.

Yesterday was a very blah day.  It was as though all my energy keep bleeding out into the ground where I had no access to it.   I found myself being very distant, objective, unconnected.  It was not fun.

I had a dr's appt and then I went to my "Hemingway's Short Stories" class 45 minutes late.  I was uninspired, to say the least.

The teacher talks so much.  He has knowledge out the kazoo but not very good teaching skills.  It is clear to me that knowing too much about one subject can be boring.

I am not sure if I will keep going.  We hardly talk about the writing itself which was what I was interested in.  I don't need to hear how the teacher interviewed the woman who takes care of Ernie's house in Cuba nor how athletic the teacher is.  (plays tennis with Butch and retired to NH to ski)

I was woken up this morning by my 18 year old son telling me, "I overslept, can I take your car?"

Ugh, what an opening to a day.

I got in the shower and as we headed down to the community college I tried to be skillful in what I needed to tell him.  It would be too easy to just be angry.  I know he is struggling.  He is a fabulous person but he is always trying to be better.  It seems he has been trying to be a better version of himself since he was 12.

He is naturally artistic and sensitive.  Oh no, the S-word that he cringes at when I speak it.  I guess being a guy and the S-word don't go together in his world.

Why do we all try to dictate to ourselves who we are?  Why do we think that we get to edit and sculpt ourselves?

I suppose we all have these inner images of ourselves that we cherish yet they are not real.  Our imperfect selves cannot compete.  Having a rich imagination is a tricky business.

With meditation, it is just as important to recognize the fantasies as it is the self deprecating dialog.  They both pull us away from the truth.

I hope that my son can one day accept who he is and find comfort in his genuine nature.  He has so much to offer himself and the world.  Being sensitive is not a death sentence.

What is it about men and this emotional component?  My brother is the same way.  When he was 19 he wanted to become a teacher who helps autistic children.  What did he end up doing?  He took a job sealing gas tank on airplanes and then moving into house building profession.  He was wildly successful and yet I wonder, what happened to that part of him that wanted to reach out the autistic children?

This makes me wonder about myself, where do I do this dance of "who I should be vs. who I am"?

I do it in the field of work.  I have been imaging myself to be CEO material for years and years.  A go-getter, logical, efficient, and respected among my peers.  I have moments of this when I am organizing or making plans to travel but to do this day in and day out?  No way.

I am more 'granola'  or 'crunchy'. I think those are the terms people use.  I am someone who is worried about the universe, about how people feel, about who is suffering.  I am always picking up on energy and vibes.  I can feel what people feel without knowing how I do it.  I have no desire to work 9-5 Monday through Friday.  To me, that sounds like death.

As I am looking for work these days, this is good to remember.  Where can I work and be myself?  Where can I plug myself in?  I don't fit in the mainstream very well.  I mean I can, but I can't do it for long as it is exhausting.

I feel compassion for my son.  It isn't easy coming to terms with the truth of who we are, especially when the truth makes it harder to fit in.  But if we pretend, if we deny, where are we then?

a writer?

Out of blue I started writing last night...I mean writing.

I wrote two articles, both funny.  One is about the term 'flatlander' that New Englanders call anyone not bern in the N.E. area.  Being a New Yorker, I have a lot of fun with it.

The next is about falling for a guy that I hardly know. (hmm...)

I did another hour of work on the latter one today.

Who knew?  I suppose I have a muse after all.

I am planning on submitting them to the New Yorker, although I haven't a clue how I will do that or even if they accept submissions from unpublished people like me.  If not, I will find someone to send them to as I think they are funny, ah, witty is a better word.

I've had a productive day, getting some early morning chores done and out of the way.

My 16 yr old son was in a 48hr film slam this weekend so I will be heading out in about 45 minutes to sit thorugh the screening of all ten 7 minute films.  This will be my 4th film slam viewing and it can be very interesting the things people come up with in such a crunch of time.

You see the genius in some, the frustration in others.

I am feeling quite alive today.  I've felt many feelings and had thoughts from A to Z but I come back to one and that is wishing for peace and truth for the universe.  I know that sounds over-reaching but I don't mean it that way at all.

I am starting to accept that my thoughts, as well as my deeds and words, are vital.  Physics will back me up here, everything has energy.  I am paying attention to what I am doing so as not to hurt anything or anyone.

It doesn't mean that I think I am more important.  It means that I am getting closer to the truth that every ripple of energy matters.  There is no place to hide any part of it.  It's like getting rid of garbage, none of wants to see our waste.  "Take it away!" we demand.   We don't ever want to see it again but it goes somewhere.   There is no place where is disappears.

So it goes with what we think, say and do.  It goes somewhere and that somewhere also inhabits where we live.  No escape.

This is why I am being more careful about what I am producing.  I would rather add love, giggles, contentment, and peace than anger, depression, anxiety and feeling sorry for myself.

I am responsible.  There is also a lovely sense of freedom in this that I cannot explain.

I am a writer.  I don't say I am good or gifted or talented but I write because it is my nature to do so.  It's good to be home.

it's okay

I took a chance.  I did not receive any reply from him.

Do I regret it?  No.

I did what I did for me.  I had feelings and I expressed them.  Fear was not part of the equation.
I suppose if I would of thought about it more, I would not have written that letter and dropped it at the desk.  Maybe that it why I did it so quickly.  I needed to live outside the heavy-handed rules of my mind.

I followed my heart 100%.  I do like him.  I also do not know anything about him.  I know he is good at what he does and I know that from the moment I met him, I felt a sense of peace and kindness.

Being a psychology major in college (and in life) I looked up animus projection.  That is usually more intense, more of a "I can't live without this person" mania.

This was more of a "the world IS a kind place, look at him, he is a kind person" kind of thing.

I didn't fantasize about sleeping with him.  I fantasized about talking to him or just staring at him while he talked.   I liked the way the world felt when he was around, safe and zen-like.

I've never had this experience before.  Now I know.

Now I know if it ever happens again that it might just be me projecting my dreams on another person.  How does this work again...let me try to remember Jung's theories.  We find the people who we can most easily accept our projections, so they have something familiar to them and we fill in the blanks.

Yes, I can see where I did this with this man.  I don't know if he is boring as all hell outside of work.  I don't know if he is religious, prejudice, shallow, does he kick his dog, does he even have a dog?

Ah,  my life goes on.  I ran today.  I am so happy to be running more often.  It was a tough run.  My legs felt like cement for the whole 2 miles, but I did it.

I bumped into a friend later in the morning and we had a nice conversation.  I cooked up some bacon for lunch.  I love bacon.

Oh and I have a job interview on Monday at 11am.  It's part time for a retirement community as a weekend concierge.  Hey, it's something.  Baby steps.

I have not heard about my appointment for the biopsy yet.  Have I mentioned my call-back mammogram results yet?

That happened the morning of the 'Letter incident".  There are new tiny calcifications in my left breast and the doctor suggested a biopsy to make sure it isn't malignant.  I agreed.

Maybe having that happen on Wednesday made me more prone to the feelings I wrote about?  Life is short and how often do we meet people who we feel good around?  I am sure it was part of it.

I've lost my father, sister and brother to cancer...I've always thought I would get it too.  We are all B type of blood people in the family.  Interesting.  My mom, brother, and other sister have O type blood.

I always felt I would die around the age of my sister Kathy, who was 45 when she died of lung cancer. (not from smoking)

I am 48.  Well, the sooner I get the biopsy the better.  I haven't told my mother.  I'll wait for the results.

Tomorrow is the first day of autumn.  Happy Fall!  I so love this time of year.   It is supposed to be rainy tomorrow.  A good day to stay in and read.  I am taking a class on the short stories of Ernest Hemingway.  I will read 'Indian Camp' tomorrow.

I am not sure how I feel about this week.  A lot happened and yet nothing happened.

I want so much to live, to love, to share, to help.   I am ashamed to admit that I would enjoy a companion in my life.  I feel ashamed because I know almost everyone wants that and so few get it.

It's like wishing for a million dollars in some way, although I don't wish for money.  I know what I am looking for...I know.  I am just not sure I'll get a chance in this lifetime...or if there is another lifetime.

I am human.  It's okay to need.  It's okay to wish.  Isn't it?

the day after

So of course today I want to curl up and die of embarrassment about what I did yesterday.  I have second guessed myself hundreds of times.  It started last night after midnight as I tried to fall asleep.

I let it go while I was running today (beautiful run, by the way) and for most of the day, although I did check email and my cell phone with more gusto that usual.

Now I realize that I might not get any response and how will I handle that one?

Taking a chance like that is a big gamble and I did not consider how I would feel or what I would do if things didn't work out.

Again, so unlike me to do something like this.  It felt so good yesterday to break free of rules and just let out what I was feeling and thinking.

Today I think about what I wrote and cringe inside.  Why did I do it?  Because it was true.  I like him.  Sue me, eh?

The problem for me now is how do I stop beating myself up for it.  How do I accept what is and let it be.

The thoughts going through my head are "What the hell were you thinking, a guy like that would like a woman like you?"  That stings!  It makes me want to cry.

I was alive yesterday, fresh.  I saw possibilities not the same old, same old.  Perhaps I was mistaken that he might of have been curious about me too.  I tried.  I expressed myself.

So here I sit, still wanting to find a big rock to crawl under.  I am ashamed of myself and yet there is also that feeling of "At least I made an effort".  I didn't see a chance and run away.  I met it head-on.

Sure, there was a chance of a crash and burn but at the time, I didn't worry about it.

If there was going to be a response it most likely would have been today.

I am sad.  I am sad that the feelings I have for him are not felt by him too.  I have always been afraid to dream, to dream for what I want.  I was afraid that it wouldn't come true because I asked for it.

In some way, I expect the rejection.  I still have that child's perspective "If I think of something bad then something good will happen".  I am a silly person aren't I?

It's okay to like someone.  It is okay to dream that they will like you too.  It's okay to dream of love.

I give myself permission to be a human being.  I like myself. I am friends with me. I didn't do anything wrong.  I didn't intentionally hurt anyone.  I was honest and I reached out...with both hands.

It going to be okay.  It is okay.

taking a chance

What a day!

It started with a follow up mammogram.  Tip: It is not a great way to start the day having to wear a short cape, stand near a weird machine and have your breast SHMOOSHED flat.

Anyway, there may or may not be something happening.  Inconclusive.

I spoke with my regular doc and she recommended a needle biopsy.  So be it.  I await the day and time.

Here is the magic of the day: There is a man I have met twice before who makes me feel as though all is right with the world.  And knowing me, that is a miracle.  The first time I met him I remember feeling as though I was in a whirlpool, seriously it felt as though there were highly charged magnets swirling energy in the room whenever I looked at him.  I told myself I was nuts and tried hard not to think about it because it was that odd.

The second time, boom, there it was again.  A alchemical connection.  I have never sensed that with anyone before.  There is a calm about him, a gentle grounding hum.  I know, weird, right?

It is so strong that I continued to talk myself out of it even after the 2nd time I saw him.  I would laugh to myself too, "You're funny," I would say aloud, afraid of what it really meant to feel that way.

I first met him in February and then in April.  It is in a public social situation, we've only talked for a few minutes each time.

I saw him again today.   BOOM, it is still there.  I thought it was just me but as I was walking away he said "It's always good to see you again."  Hmm...

I turned around and said, "Yes, I enjoy seeing you too."

It was then that I realized that I need to do something.  This is silly.  I am 48.  Life is short.  How many times I have felt this way about a stranger?  None.  What do I have to lose?

I wrote a note while sitting in my "Hemingway's Short Stories" class this afternoon.  It was short but honest.  I told him that I thought he was a kind person and since we had running in common perhaps he would like to meet for coffee sometime.

I have NEVER done this before in my life.  What is going on with me???

This is so NOT ME.  I dropped off the note with a secretary at his place of business.  As I walked away I felt relieved, elated, and scared out of my wits!

What the hell am I doing?

Taking a chance.  I have always been afraid of men.  I have only dated one man and I married him after knowing him for 6 months.  I have been divorced for 2 years and have never even thought of dating anyone.

But here's the thing, I am highly intuitive and I have never felt the energy of anyone like him.  It is so calm.  I can't explain it but I feel it.  This isn't fireworks and oh he's so cute, blah blah blah.  This is wow I didn't know a person like him could exist.

Our conversations have been business focused so I don't know much about him.

What have I done?  Again I smile and laugh to myself.  It's not like I jumped up and did this.  I knew in Feb. that there was something there, for me anyway.

He's probably married or has a lovely beautiful girlfriend.  I may have assumed his "it's always good to see you" was something it wasn't.   Either way, I am not mistaken that I am attracted to him.

Here comes my shame for feeling.  Old behaviors die hard.  It's okay to feel.  It's okay to check things out.  It's okay to want to be close to someone.  It's okay to put myself out there.

These are difficult things for me.  I am so used to taking care of things myself and never expecting anyone to be there for me.  I have sealed myself off, in some way.

Whatever happens or doesn't happen, I followed my heart.  My heart and I are happy to be alive and willing to live again.

Sure, I will feel awkward if I don't hear from him and then see him in a few months but it was a kind note I sent.  Perhaps he will feel flattered and leave it at that.  I don't know.

I do know this: I don't want to keep living in fear and doubt.  I don't want to keep treating myself as someone who has no right to be and to feel.   I am as worthy as the next person.

Three was the magic number for me.  I told myself that if I still felt that 'woosh' when I saw him again that I would do something.  I did, so I did.

I could easily turn this into a mess and make fun of myself but I won't.  I see what I did as a big step in courage.  I am proud of myself.  I showed up.  I took a risk.  I didn't run away or talk myself out of it.

Today I took a chance and that alone, is a wondrous thing!   :)

another goodbye

I just got home from a potluck afternoon gathering.  We were there to wish a mutual friend all the best in her new life in Pennsylvania.  She is moving back to the state she grew up in.  She has family there. She is 45 and single, a massage therapist who is looking to change her life.

It was a mixed group, many of us didn't know each other as we were from different aspects of her life: Friends, clients, co-workers, even an ex-boyfriend's family.  I cried as I said goodbye to her.  I took her face in my hands and told her to be kind to herself. I told her I loved her.  I was surprised how emotional it was for me.  Loss...again.

We were asked by the host to bring with us a photo and/or a memory we wanted to share with her.  I wrote a note this morning and opened it with a Buddhist quote,
There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.

I added, "You have already started, now go all the way. "

I was talking to her and to myself too.  "Go all the way"  what does that mean for me?

I think it means that I shouldn't try to do things the way other people want me to do it, that I should stay true to my vision and follow my heart.

Yet, if I follow my heart, I don't see how it works out.  There is no set path where I want to go.

If I follow my heart people with think I am being lazy or not strong enough.  People will judge me as not being smart.

My father told me when I was 12 or so, "Learn to play the game"  meaning life.

That advice didn't turn out too well for him, besides, I don't want to learn to play the game.

There is a job fair on Thursday.  I don't want to go.  I don't want to dress up in slacks and a blazer, shake hands and give out my resume.  I don't want to participate in this drama where everyone knows their roles.

I don't want a role.  I don't want to play.  I want to be.  I want to be honest and open.

I understand the need for a social persona but I don't mine to greatly differ from who I am.

I hear the arguments & advice of my mother, deceased father, friends, ex-husband, and acquaintances.  It is THEIR view, not mine.

In my mind I hear the "What if I am wrong? What if this is the only option? Am I so naive?"

I don't know.  My advice to my children would be to follow their own path even if I knew it was a life of hardship.  If they are clear on what brings them joy, peace, then I say, "Go for it!"

Why do I hesitate to champion my own path?  Perhaps because I am still living off my ex-husband.  I am living in the addition over the garage, he pays the bills.  I am paying for my food and gas.

What do I want more, independence or time?  Time.

I know I need to stay still for a while.  Sure, keep sending out resumes and look for work, but to do what I feel called to do: Studying, meditation, being kind to people, praying for world peace (seriously), petting my cats, doing chores, and writing.

It's not forever, it is for now.

I wish I could run out there and find a fabulous job where everyone would respect me when I answered their query, "So Patty, where do work?"

No, no that is not my wish.  My wish is that I walk into a place and feel it would be a good place to work there, ask them for a job and get it.  My wish is that I would have a job where I feel I am making a positive difference in the world.

Other people might not get me.  They may think that I have wasted my life.  They might think I didn't try hard enough to succeed.  Let them.  I've had the safe life of 'married with children' I've done my dance for them.    Now I dance for me.  I don't know how.  I don't know why but I do know what to do.  Be.

wet

A dark rainy day.  The ground is saturated.  I feel soaked, inside and out.

I broke off a friendship today.  I was trying to take the quiet way out but she emailed and asked me point blank, so I replied.

I offered to meet and talk in person.  She wanted it now.  I told the truth knowing it would not be appreciated.  It wasn't.

Her reply was defensive and crude.  I accept it.

Another loss, another walking away.   Why?

We were friends a few years ago and I ended it because although we shared a lot in common she was mean-spirited to her kids, yelling at them.  I didn't want to be part of it.  I tried to offer help with parenting, the gods know I have been at my wits end many times.  I couldn't help so I left, without saying why, just falling-on-my-sword kind of thing.

Now that I think of it, the way she treated her kids was very similar to how my father talked to us.  Hmm...

Anyway, she got back in touch with me earlier this year and she seemed changed, more mellow.  I took the friendship slow.  We do have a wonderful 'click' with humor and dancing.  It is a rare thing indeed. I will miss the deep laughs, great conversations and a fabulous dancing partner.

Buggers!

With all that is happening with me, I knew this is what I needed to do.   I dreaded doing it.  It's done.

I don't want to be in a relationship where I had to hide or lie about myself.  Letting go, again!

Like the weather,  I lack sunshine and warmth today.  I am cold.

literally?

This is where my mind is today...do I take myself far too literally?    For someone who has studied mythology, hence METAPHOR, for all of my adult life, am I really just now getting around to this question?

What I mean by this is this:  I treat life as though I AM the center, that somehow who I am is most important.  I am happy, I am in pain, I am confused, I am tired, ad nauseam.

What if I am wrong?  What if my life is about opening up to 'mystery'  (god, goddess, spirit, truth, etc.) and I've been following the wrong map?  What if with all my intelligence, I am mistaken?

August was quite a month for me.  You know the old saying, "Those who will not follow, the gods will drag".  I've been dragged.  What have I learned?

I've learned to be humble.  I've learned that I can be arrogant, especially about who I think I am.  I've learned that it doesn't take much for the rug to be pulled out from under what we think is a stable and secure life.  We topple.  We go in shock.

I couldn't believe and still haven't 100% assimilated, what unfolded so quickly.  What did I see?  Truths, truths that I was skirting around and didn't realize I was.

So this brings me to my thought of the day: What if I take myself too literally?

I think I do.

What does it look like if I lighten up?  If I stop trying to win, succeed, impress, and achieve? Oh that is the $64,000 question, isn't it?

I am using a lot of question marks in this blog.  Lot of wondering going on here.

On another note, the weather in VT has been crazy.  One day using the woodstove, the next it's 88 and humid and the fans are dragged out of the addition.  Powerful hail/rain/thunderstorm yesterday and again today.  Wild energy flying all over the place.  Weird lightening, long rolling thunder, for hours!
Nice to see I am not the only one going through changes/transitions.

Tomorrow we are supposed to be back to September VT weather, in the 60s.

I am not sure where I am heading in my life.  A part of me wants to go back to being a stay-at-home mother who homeschools her 2 boys.  That life is over and it happened while I wasn't watching, apparently.

I am at a crossroad.  I look around and do not see a road that I want to take but then again, I can't see very well right now.   It's all hazy, cloudy so I am standing still waiting for things to settle.

I don't want to make any mistakes but that it not my decision, is it?  I want to walk a path guaranteed to work out well, yeah right, who ever gets those odds?

I say I want an answer but I have an answer.  I am fighting with the truth again.  The truth is...I need to stay put, stand still and WAIT.  I don't wanna wait!  See, taking myself too literally.  Stop it.  Open up. Breathe.  Trust.  Believe.

Okay, I've been dragged enough.  Enough already.  I wait...

"Path of Life"

About an hour south of our town is a unique meditation path in Windsor, VT.  My son and I went there today and as we walked through the 12 feet high scrubbed maze (this first 'station') I could feel myself unwind.

There are a circle of 8 trees with 4 huge slabs on rock at the station called 'family'.  We each picked a rick and laid out in the sun for a while.

Another station is called 'forgiveness' and there are 40 feet hugh bamboo-looking structures in a circle.  I weaved in and out of them as I walked the circle.

Healing was taken place as we wondered to the next set of natural wonders.

There are huge wooden statues of faces at one place called "community".  The artist burned the wood a deep black.  Leo and I chose which face we were most drawn to.

Near the end is a stone Buddha statue sitting between 2 trees.  Then a stone spiral to walk through.

The 'death' station has huge old maple tree stumps that are grey.

The 'rebirth' station is covered with several trees with thin small leaves.  There are 2 stumps to sit one in the 'house' there.  There is a primitive cross at the branched threshold.

We were there for about 2 hours.  What a refreshing experience and we needed it.

We went to the nearby Harper's Brewery for a tasty burger later that day.

How fortunate for me to have this time with my 16 year old son.   It was relaxing, fun and calm.  What a difference from being home and having to deal with 2 people who are not clear or honest about what is going on.

It was a fabulous weather day too, autumn crisp air that came along in waves while at the meditation path.  Tall weeds and such sashaying along with the wind.  A deep bright blue sky with just enough puffs of cloud to make the blue even more blue.

The kind of day where the sun warms you enough to remove your sweater but the wind convinces you quickly to put it back on.

I feel grateful for the beauty of the day.  Life is good.  May everyone know peace and contentment.

running into surrender

i went running today.  The first time in over 2 weeks.  The knee has not been well but I needed to do something that feeds my spirit.

The sky threatened rain but I suited up anyway.

After the first few strides, I felt alive.  I was running slower and gingerly due to the knee but I was moving nevertheless.

As I ran I felt an overwhelming surge of gratitude.  I can run.  I can do something joyful even in the midst of fear and chaos.

I looked at the trees and was awed by their silent beauty.

It was humid and sticky out but I kept running.  A bit more than a mile, as I was heading back to the village, I put my arms out, palms up, and said "I surrender".  I didn't think about it before I did it.  It was a natural gesture, like moving bangs out of your eyes.

I opened up to reality, to what is, and stopped fighting.

The truth is bigger than any one person, no matter how scared or determined to the status quo a person can be.  The pain of trying to hold this family together burned out the fear of leaving.

I remember a nature show on PBS where a mother chimp held onto her baby after he died.  She dragged the body around for days, not knowing what happened.

I've been dragging around my family.  I've been hoping that if I held on tight enough and refused to let go, it would come back to life.

No.  Death is death.

I see now that I have been in deep grief since August 12th.   There is no body to drag, there is no body to mourn or bury, but there is death here all the same.

As of today, I can face the truth.

I wasn't running away today, I was running toward the truth.    I found her and she found me.

Here we are, together at last.