I woke up and reminded myself it was the new year. I feel asleep around 11:30 last night. I could hear the end of "Miracle on 34th Street" that my sons were watching in the sunroom.
I feel asleep in 2013 wondering why things were what they were. My sons were hone only because they were 'grounded' for the day due to chores undone and outright lying by one of them.
I didn't get my quiet new years eve. Their punishment ended up being my punishment too.
I made a nice dinner. I made homemade dip and bought chips. I had a long tapered candle burning.
I asked them if they wanted to play cards or a game. No. Would you like to watch a movie? No.
I started to watch the above mentioned film and had trouble concentrating as I listened to my sons talk. Who were these guys? Have they forgotten how to relax as home? They have to be cool here too? I was disgusted. I said nothing What could I say?
About 75% into the movie, my oldest comes over and sits to watch the movie. I am not feeling good at this point and feel uneasy. After 15 minutes, I go to bed.
Today, I cooked a beautiful breakfast of french toast and thick bacon. I thought about not doing it but I wanted to stay with my plans. I set the table. Everything was done. When they woke up, they came in to eat. They didn't clean up after themselves. They started making plans for the day, a short hike and ski.
I took a shower and could feel myself ready to burst with anger. I took deep breaths.
Before I left, my son asked me if I was upset. I said that I wasn't' sure how to put it into words but that I was sad. I was really sad. I started to cry.
I am not sure what I said, not much. I told them I needed to go out for the day. I was sad about our family…or lack of it.
I drove off and sobbed while driving to nowhere. I finally pulled over because i was crying so hard. I sat in the cold car for almost an hour. "What do you want from me?!" I yelled. I sobbed some more. I made weird primitive noises as I cried and wondered what I was doing wrong to feel such suffering. I questioned myself. I thought about all the great noble ideas of philosophy. It was no help. There was no way out, no place to run to, no way to sooth myself.
I felt so alone. I felt so unloved.
I know I am not alone. I know many people suffer, emotionally, physically, psychologically. How do I help them all when I can't help myself?
What is my life about? What the hell am I doing? Why do I keep going? Why this constant pull to understand life and our place in it?
I read philosophy every day. I understand these big ideas but they don't love me back. I am so lonely. I wonder why I am alone. I know many people are alone but many people have a companion, a family, dear friends. How does all that work?
Some not-so-nice people are married, some kind people are alone. If we have love to share why can't we find a person to share it with? Is it so wrong, selfish to want love in return?
I do nice things for people and don't expect anything but I guess I do, I expect some form of appreciation. I need to stop doing that because it is hurting me.
How to be self-less? How to ignore the human feelings? How to give myself over to others and not want something for myself.
I meditate. I pray. I take walks in nature. I educate myself. Most days, it is enough. Some days, like today, it isn't. I want more.
How to stop wanting more? How do I stay in the moment and not argue with what is?
Why isn't my gratitude enough?
I feel as though I am in prison, a prison of myself. I can't get out of it. Everywhere I turn, there I am.
I want to think I am kind person but I am not. I want what I have always wanted, to be loved and to love someone. To join with someone in honestly and love. To be more than just me.
There are many many people who suffer. Today I was among them. I prayed for them. I hope tomorrow I can pray more for them and forget my own struggles. Self-preoccupation hurts. I don't want my life to be worthless. I want to help. I want to sooth. But I also want love.
"What do you want from me?!" Everything. (sigh)
No comments:
Post a Comment