This is what I sound like as I drive along the highway. I look out on the trees, mountains, snow…everything I see, and I express my gratitude. It is seeing the world with new eyes.
I don't know how to explain it. I don't know what it means.
Perhaps it is similar to learning a new language. You say these wounds but they don't intuitively make any sense yet. You have to THINK about what you are saying and what you are hearing.
I am reaching out to hat is around me which pulls me out of my usual stance of "me vs the rest of the world".
Why have I always assumed that I was somehow not attached to everything else? Sure I have a boundary of my self, my body. But what don't we take in? I breath. I sense things. I eat. I am connected to everything, even other people's thoughts.
I used to think I was special, being able to tune into people. No. I am doing what everyone is capable of but perhaps is so distracted, forgot.
There are people who as soon as I met them, I want to get away from them. I used to feel had about that, that somehow I thought I was better than them, that I was acting superior. I used to feel bad that I wasn't able to deal with it.
I am beginning to understand what it was I was reacting to: the truth. Particle physics tells us that matter is energy. Why do we incorrectly assume that that does not apply to us? Apply to everything? Can you imagine everything being energy? Your emotions, thoughts, the ground, your house?
I know this sounds crazy but this isn't a simple "Oh everything is alive, look!" thing. Maybe it is.
I am a newbie to this perspective. I've been meditating, questioning, reading, studying most of my adult life. Did I think this is what it would lead me to? No way.
I was searching for a happy place outside of the world. A heaven of sorts where I would be in bliss.
What I am experiencing is being MORE intrenched in the world and other people. I feel more present, more alive, more capable of kindness. I am calmer. I am also quite perplexed.
What is this? I don't know.
I feel less alone. I feel less totally responsible for things. I am more a part of it all. Important still but not anymore so than anyone or anything else. It is becoming clearer and clearer that I am here to be me. But describing what that 'me' is, now that would be impossible to put into words.
The best I can do is say it is a shift of perspective, a refocusing of a camera lens, what was out of focus is clear and what was the clear center, is now background.
There is no difference (on some level) of who we are as individuals and the environment we are in.
If that is a shared experience, then the things we do, the thoughts we think, instantaneously affect where we are, those there and the place itself.
I know, this sounds weird. I know.
I also have this whispering fear that says "Now that you have asked for this wisdom, it was given, but you will also be given the opportunity to use it." Gulp, yikes.
I have made some decisions regrading this, including writing more and spring more time in nature. I've let go of more things…cleaning out my drawers and closet yesterday.
I am taking it slow. Baby steps. I am not sure I believe what is happening. I am at the earliest stage of whatever this is.
I have noticed that whatever quote I read, from whatever philosophy or religion, makes sense. Again, is like learning a language. I have found(?) a keystone to something. Things that I read as black and white letters now sing.
I look the same. I do the same things. Yet, something has changed.
Thank you and hello.
Friday, 27 December 2013
Monday, 23 December 2013
we
These days, I am using the word 'we' as I notice making rapid judgements on the world and everyone in it. "We look miserable" "We are in such a hurry" "We are ugly" "We are so overweight" "We are so addicted to drams" "We have no clue what life is all about".
I feel embarrassed that these judgments, but they pass through me as such a pace that they take me by surprise too.
I ask myself if I believe those thoughts? Most I don't. I also notice that they make me feel alone in the world, either superior or inferior but never equal. I am either better looking or uglier, smarter or dumber, more evolved or less evolved. It is competition from start to finish, excuse the pun.
As I sit in the middle of this busy store and cafe. I see 'we' are talking, laughing, smiling, wondering, drinking coffee, feeding our kids, taking photos. eating, typing,. We are sad faced, stressed faced, stone faeed…I wonder what all the thoughts are? Judgements of self and other fill this big space.
What can I do so as not to add to the over-flowing energies? Can I be still and not add to the soup? I cannot disappear. I can't stop the flow of thoughts. I can transform them…yes, I can do that much.
May we know peace and contentment. May we notice that we share the world with we. May we be aware of our negative and hurtful thoughts.
May we know we are love. May we open our hearts to we.
Everything LOOKS the same but it isn't.
I believe that what we think is energy we pour forth. There is no 'no energy' there is no 'no-thing' as quantum physics proved many many years ago.
We need a new story to include our new knowledge. We are inter-beings who think we are separate. There is no space between us, there is only another form of energy. (air=oxygen)
What is my new story, the story of 'we'. May is begin with 'we'. May the 'we' be with you. :)
we
These days, I am using the word 'we' as I notice making rapid judgements on the world and everyone in it. "We look miserable" "We are in such a hurry" "We are ugly" "We are so overweight" "We are so addicted to drams" "We have no clue what life is all about".
I feel embarrassed that these judgments, but they pass through me as such a pace that they take me by surprise too.
I ask myself if I believe those thoughts? Most I don't. I also notice that they make me feel alone in the world, either superior or inferior but never equal. I am either better looking or uglier, smarter or dumber, more evolved or less evolved. It is competition from start to finish, excuse the pun.
As I sit in the middle of this busy store and cafe. I see 'we' are talking, laughing, smiling, wondering, drinking coffee, feeding our kids, taking photos. eating, typing,. We are sad faced, stressed faced, stone faeed…I wonder what all the thoughts are? Judgements of self and other fill this big space.
What can I do so as not to add to the over-flowing energies? Can I be still and not add to the soup? I cannot disappear. I can't stop the flow of thoughts. I can transform them…yes, I can do that much.
May we know peace and contentment. May we notice that we share the world with we. May we be aware of our negative and hurtful thoughts.
May we know we are love. May we open our hearts to we.
Everything LOOKS the same but it isn't.
I believe that what we think is energy we pour forth. There is no 'no energy' there is no 'no-thing' as quantum physics proved many many years ago.
We need a new story to include our new knowledge. We are inter-beings who think we are separate. There is no space between us, there is only another form of energy. (air=oxygen)
What is my new story, the story of 'we'. May is begin with 'we'. May the 'we' be with you. :)
Saturday, 21 December 2013
love
Today is the winter solstice. One of my favorite days! I saw a photo of Stonehenge and the sun rising, the light coming through a narrow opening in a huge stone. Beauty.
This day has a very long history in the life of humans. Without scientific knowledge, we were moved to celebrate this day. We knew something was happening. The turning of the wheel (yule).
Nature has her own rhythms. We do ourselves (and others) a great disservice when we forget who we are, nature too. Our misalignments lead to suffering…we are not machines.
As I take the holiday seasons slower, I am amazed at how our culture demands exactly the opposite of what nature is singing. Nature, with her cold, is saying, "Slow down, breathe, stay warm," yet we are bombarded with "Go, go, go!" The music, the commercials, the false idea of a everyone having food, family and love. Shopping, shopping shopping. We are told this is love.
I watch people rushing, kids crying, people buying things and I am still. I am grateful for the stillness. It tells me there is nothing to prove, nothing to fix, nothing to make, nothing to pretend.
I shared this in my meditation group the other day and I'll share it again:
I saw the photo of the pope with his hand resting on top of a disfigured man's head (tumors all over his head due to an illness). This photo distills what love is. I cannot think of it without having a deep emotional reaction.
My reaction is this: that is what we are here for, to accept each other, to see beyond our vision, to move beyond our idea of "survival of the fittest" and "more for you means less for me, competition".
I cry not out of sadness of the ill man but at the humanity of someone touching him, touching his ugliness, reaching out with love.
This holy season of love, of coming out of the darkness and light returning, is summed up in that photo.
May we all reach out and touch our ugliness with love. May we all recognize the suffering of others and not look away. May we remember what it feels like to be lost and alone. May we move out of the world of 'ME" and into the real (natural) world of "WE". This is the lesson of life.
This day has a very long history in the life of humans. Without scientific knowledge, we were moved to celebrate this day. We knew something was happening. The turning of the wheel (yule).
Nature has her own rhythms. We do ourselves (and others) a great disservice when we forget who we are, nature too. Our misalignments lead to suffering…we are not machines.
As I take the holiday seasons slower, I am amazed at how our culture demands exactly the opposite of what nature is singing. Nature, with her cold, is saying, "Slow down, breathe, stay warm," yet we are bombarded with "Go, go, go!" The music, the commercials, the false idea of a everyone having food, family and love. Shopping, shopping shopping. We are told this is love.
I watch people rushing, kids crying, people buying things and I am still. I am grateful for the stillness. It tells me there is nothing to prove, nothing to fix, nothing to make, nothing to pretend.
I shared this in my meditation group the other day and I'll share it again:
I saw the photo of the pope with his hand resting on top of a disfigured man's head (tumors all over his head due to an illness). This photo distills what love is. I cannot think of it without having a deep emotional reaction.
My reaction is this: that is what we are here for, to accept each other, to see beyond our vision, to move beyond our idea of "survival of the fittest" and "more for you means less for me, competition".
I cry not out of sadness of the ill man but at the humanity of someone touching him, touching his ugliness, reaching out with love.
This holy season of love, of coming out of the darkness and light returning, is summed up in that photo.
May we all reach out and touch our ugliness with love. May we all recognize the suffering of others and not look away. May we remember what it feels like to be lost and alone. May we move out of the world of 'ME" and into the real (natural) world of "WE". This is the lesson of life.
Thursday, 19 December 2013
wintery mix
For the next few days, there will be rain, snow and ice. There is nothing worse than rain when we have snow on the ground. Wet snow…ugh!
I tell myself the weather affects everyone so I am not alone. It helps.
As for my moods of late…wintry mix of tears, sadness, and bewilderment.
Since Sunday, I have been off-center. I explained it to my boys as there are too many outlets plugged into an outlet. Something's gotta give and in the meantime, everything is dim.
I am dim-witted and talking to myself this week. I feel an overload of mental energy and something else that I can't put my finger on.
I know this will sound odd but I really feel as though I am going through some kind of change. Perceptions shifting, trying to see everyone and everything in a beautiful sense, letting go of old templates of my family.
The boys aren't boys anymore. I don't get to play Santa anymore. They have moved on to other things. I suppose the generations move on but I am beginning to see how it is to stand still while the younger generation ventures out.
What do I do now? I don't want to pretend. I don't want to do nothing. I don't want to make them feel bad, feel sorry for me. I don't want to feel sorry for myself.
Something new. I am considering going to help out with the community dinner 45 minutes away on Christmas. I could also go to a movie at 5pm. So all is not lost.
I am letting my kids choose what they want to do. I've never done that before. Christmas was always a stay-at-home family day. With the divorce and them wanting to be with friends, the old way is gone.
I am also unsure of myself these days. I am usually so in control and marching forward. These days I am like an injured bird, unable to fly and my wings hurt.
I am grappling with understanding what is the truth now. This transition time is like grief. You know someone died but it can't be true. It is too big to deal with in one step so you take in a little at a time. Like feeding a baby, you push the spoonful of mush into their mouths, they get some but not all, the rest is pushed out and you scoop it back on the spoon and again, put it into their mouth.
I am taking some in and pushing the rest out. I am in shock in some way. I hear myself say "Unbelievable" aloud. What is unbelievable, that things would change? My sons would grow up? I would grow older and ill? The family dynamic would change?
I thought I'd have more time. I thought it would happen so gradually that it would be okay.
I was wrong.
As I struggle to hold on to some sense of self and reality, I think of others and wish everyone peace and happiness. I am not sure what else to do. I don't want to come completely undone. I don't' want to upset anyone. I don't want to bother anyone. I want everyone to be okay and I am serious when I mean everyone. Perhaps then I will find some peace.
Peace and grace.
I tell myself the weather affects everyone so I am not alone. It helps.
As for my moods of late…wintry mix of tears, sadness, and bewilderment.
Since Sunday, I have been off-center. I explained it to my boys as there are too many outlets plugged into an outlet. Something's gotta give and in the meantime, everything is dim.
I am dim-witted and talking to myself this week. I feel an overload of mental energy and something else that I can't put my finger on.
I know this will sound odd but I really feel as though I am going through some kind of change. Perceptions shifting, trying to see everyone and everything in a beautiful sense, letting go of old templates of my family.
The boys aren't boys anymore. I don't get to play Santa anymore. They have moved on to other things. I suppose the generations move on but I am beginning to see how it is to stand still while the younger generation ventures out.
What do I do now? I don't want to pretend. I don't want to do nothing. I don't want to make them feel bad, feel sorry for me. I don't want to feel sorry for myself.
Something new. I am considering going to help out with the community dinner 45 minutes away on Christmas. I could also go to a movie at 5pm. So all is not lost.
I am letting my kids choose what they want to do. I've never done that before. Christmas was always a stay-at-home family day. With the divorce and them wanting to be with friends, the old way is gone.
I am also unsure of myself these days. I am usually so in control and marching forward. These days I am like an injured bird, unable to fly and my wings hurt.
I am grappling with understanding what is the truth now. This transition time is like grief. You know someone died but it can't be true. It is too big to deal with in one step so you take in a little at a time. Like feeding a baby, you push the spoonful of mush into their mouths, they get some but not all, the rest is pushed out and you scoop it back on the spoon and again, put it into their mouth.
I am taking some in and pushing the rest out. I am in shock in some way. I hear myself say "Unbelievable" aloud. What is unbelievable, that things would change? My sons would grow up? I would grow older and ill? The family dynamic would change?
I thought I'd have more time. I thought it would happen so gradually that it would be okay.
I was wrong.
As I struggle to hold on to some sense of self and reality, I think of others and wish everyone peace and happiness. I am not sure what else to do. I don't want to come completely undone. I don't' want to upset anyone. I don't want to bother anyone. I want everyone to be okay and I am serious when I mean everyone. Perhaps then I will find some peace.
Peace and grace.
Sunday, 15 December 2013
8 inches and counting...
It is pretty, the thick white covering of earth. Snow. A good day to write cards and decorate the tree too.
I have been experiencing grief and sadness. It is as though the scaffolding of my life is collapsing in slow motion. My "boys" are gone and they are not coming back. This is obvious to everyone, including myself, but I am just starting feel it.
It hurts. I fear I am not strong enough to withstand the flood of emotions: regrets for what I didn't do, anger for my mistakes, loneliness for having no one to cuddle with...no one to share things with. When the boys were younger, there was still magic in life. Now that they have entered into work and college schedules, the magic is gone.
None of my usual holiday rituals work anymore. They don't want to make cookies. They aren't thinking about cutting the tree. They are enjoying their freedom and look forward to spending time with friends.
So, I am alone.
My health has been shitting for weeks. I ignore it! I don't talk about it. I guess I hope it will disappear on its own.
I went for an eye exam last week as I needed a new script, my left eye vision is very blurry. After tests, my doctor says to me "I've never seen results like this, I can't figure out what is wrong with your left eye" I acted calm and matter-of-fact when she explained that she wanted me to see a neuro-opthamologist as there is something wrong with my optic nerve.
Great. Thanks.
I have an appt. in mid-Jan.
I can't run due to my knee. I knew the day would come when I wouldn't be able to push my knee anymore, has it come already? Fuck.
So, as you can see, I am clueless to why life is life.
I am not depressed but I am quiet and withdrawn. I am TIRED. I am not sure what the next step is anymore.
I go to my meditation groups and therapy. I keep the house clean. I do my errands.
Yesterday, for the first time ever, I went out into the woods, followed some deer tracks, then found a nice tree. I sawed it down and dragged it into the house. I even put it into the tree stand, although crooked.
I was happy doing it. I didn't want to wait for the boys or try to cheer them up and put them in a good mood so they would want to go for the tree.
This is my life now. I am on my own.
You know that horrible feeling you get when you've asked someone to do something with you and they agree...but then they have a negative attitude and you think to yourself "why did they come then?!"
That is how I feel these days. I don't want the responsibility of dragging others along or having to make sure their needs are met or being a therapist for them so they can feel better.
I guess, I'm am better off doing things on my own. There is no one to share them with BUT there is no one to carry on my back either.
I have a lot of crying to do, I can feel the huge lump in my throat.
Later today, I will put the lights on the tree and decorate it alone.
One son is at work all day today and the other s slept over his friend's house and they are going skiing. My sons are doing well and I really am thrilled for them.
I, on the other hand, am falling to pieces. What makes me sadder is that I have to pick up the pieces and paste myself back together again too.
I will focus on making a merry little christmas, doing the things that mean something to me. And perhaps I won't be so quick to paste myself back together again, maybe some parts needs to be left on the floor.
I have been experiencing grief and sadness. It is as though the scaffolding of my life is collapsing in slow motion. My "boys" are gone and they are not coming back. This is obvious to everyone, including myself, but I am just starting feel it.
It hurts. I fear I am not strong enough to withstand the flood of emotions: regrets for what I didn't do, anger for my mistakes, loneliness for having no one to cuddle with...no one to share things with. When the boys were younger, there was still magic in life. Now that they have entered into work and college schedules, the magic is gone.
None of my usual holiday rituals work anymore. They don't want to make cookies. They aren't thinking about cutting the tree. They are enjoying their freedom and look forward to spending time with friends.
So, I am alone.
My health has been shitting for weeks. I ignore it! I don't talk about it. I guess I hope it will disappear on its own.
I went for an eye exam last week as I needed a new script, my left eye vision is very blurry. After tests, my doctor says to me "I've never seen results like this, I can't figure out what is wrong with your left eye" I acted calm and matter-of-fact when she explained that she wanted me to see a neuro-opthamologist as there is something wrong with my optic nerve.
Great. Thanks.
I have an appt. in mid-Jan.
I can't run due to my knee. I knew the day would come when I wouldn't be able to push my knee anymore, has it come already? Fuck.
So, as you can see, I am clueless to why life is life.
I am not depressed but I am quiet and withdrawn. I am TIRED. I am not sure what the next step is anymore.
I go to my meditation groups and therapy. I keep the house clean. I do my errands.
Yesterday, for the first time ever, I went out into the woods, followed some deer tracks, then found a nice tree. I sawed it down and dragged it into the house. I even put it into the tree stand, although crooked.
I was happy doing it. I didn't want to wait for the boys or try to cheer them up and put them in a good mood so they would want to go for the tree.
This is my life now. I am on my own.
You know that horrible feeling you get when you've asked someone to do something with you and they agree...but then they have a negative attitude and you think to yourself "why did they come then?!"
That is how I feel these days. I don't want the responsibility of dragging others along or having to make sure their needs are met or being a therapist for them so they can feel better.
I guess, I'm am better off doing things on my own. There is no one to share them with BUT there is no one to carry on my back either.
I have a lot of crying to do, I can feel the huge lump in my throat.
Later today, I will put the lights on the tree and decorate it alone.
One son is at work all day today and the other s slept over his friend's house and they are going skiing. My sons are doing well and I really am thrilled for them.
I, on the other hand, am falling to pieces. What makes me sadder is that I have to pick up the pieces and paste myself back together again too.
I will focus on making a merry little christmas, doing the things that mean something to me. And perhaps I won't be so quick to paste myself back together again, maybe some parts needs to be left on the floor.
Thursday, 12 December 2013
my role
I had therapy today.
As I was talking to her about my son and what happened over the weekend, I said that I wasn't feeling anything. She said, "You're feeling something."
The truth is that I have cut off my feelings, they seem too much.
She also mentioned that while I was being clear about what my son's patterns were, I was also seeing some of my own.
My relationship patterns…hmm, that stopped me for a moment.
What do I do in my relationships? I am the caregiver, I am the savior. I listen, pay attention, offer suggestions on how to change things. People think my insights are amazing, for a while anyway. I sense people being off balance, disingenuous, lost.
People seem to like it at first. They count on me. They tell me how easy it is to talk to me. They notice my intuitive abilities to get to the bottom of a situation. I can 'read' people. I 'read' them.
Then, they don't like me so much anymore. I begin to get frustrated with their same old stories. It takes me a very long time, months…years, but finally one day I will say, "Why do you still keep doing the same thing an expecting the outcome to be different,"
I can now ask myself that same question. "Why do I keep doing the same thing expecting a different result?"
My first reaction is because sometimes it works. I've had success with my youngest son and with one friend. So, what I do isn't totally out of the question. Is it???
So the question becomes why don't I stop trying to help those who don't' want to be helped? Because I want them to be better for ME! I want more friends, more people to connect to, to share life with.
I find the people who are just beginning to realize that the life they are living isn't going to hold up forever. We have great conversations. I share with them what I am doing. I offer to lend them books. But sooner or later, they start to feel pressure from me or they start reacting as though I think I am better than them.
Do I think I am better than them? No, but I do think that I am working harder than they are? Yes, yes I do.
I don't want to stay the same. I am continuously challenging myself. I have done so since I was 19…pushing, pulling, questioning, wondering. It is a messing thing sometimes but I don't want to stop. I don't want to accept what is and say "oh well."
I am not trying to make things perfect, I don't believe that is possible. What I am doing is looking for the truth. I know this quest may never end and all I'll be left with is a lifetime of questioning but this is who I am. This is my bliss.
It's been a battle at times for me to keep going. I keep going. How have I failed to notice that this is not everyone's path? Just because people say they want things to change doesn't mean that they are willing to do something to change it. Some people will talk and complain about it their whole life. Some people will take it and take it and then, after a very long time, so something to change it.
Everyone has their timeline.
I have to stop assuming that what people say is also what they mean.
On another topic…
When I was driving today, I noticed how things looked in my review mirror. Is that where I spend my life, looking at where I have been? Am I assuming that life will be just more of the same?
Where is my focus? On what has been? Is this why I seem to meet the same kind of people? Is this why I can find a pattern in my relationships? Am I only getting close to people who remind me of people I have already met?
Am I open to new experiences, new people, new relationships? Do I think that I am only worth friendships that need me to 'save' the other person? Am I drawn to ill people so I can play dr?
This is not easy to look at but I know there is truth here.
How do I care for someone and not save them? What else am I good for? Do I think this is the only reason they like my anyway? Is this my hook to pull them in?
How sad is that? This reminds me of my family…wanting desperately to save them from themselves or from alcohol or from their spouses. I am not sure I know another way of showing how much I care.
Hmm…lots to think about. I am glad that I am heading out to meditation soon. Om.
As I was talking to her about my son and what happened over the weekend, I said that I wasn't feeling anything. She said, "You're feeling something."
The truth is that I have cut off my feelings, they seem too much.
She also mentioned that while I was being clear about what my son's patterns were, I was also seeing some of my own.
My relationship patterns…hmm, that stopped me for a moment.
What do I do in my relationships? I am the caregiver, I am the savior. I listen, pay attention, offer suggestions on how to change things. People think my insights are amazing, for a while anyway. I sense people being off balance, disingenuous, lost.
People seem to like it at first. They count on me. They tell me how easy it is to talk to me. They notice my intuitive abilities to get to the bottom of a situation. I can 'read' people. I 'read' them.
Then, they don't like me so much anymore. I begin to get frustrated with their same old stories. It takes me a very long time, months…years, but finally one day I will say, "Why do you still keep doing the same thing an expecting the outcome to be different,"
I can now ask myself that same question. "Why do I keep doing the same thing expecting a different result?"
My first reaction is because sometimes it works. I've had success with my youngest son and with one friend. So, what I do isn't totally out of the question. Is it???
So the question becomes why don't I stop trying to help those who don't' want to be helped? Because I want them to be better for ME! I want more friends, more people to connect to, to share life with.
I find the people who are just beginning to realize that the life they are living isn't going to hold up forever. We have great conversations. I share with them what I am doing. I offer to lend them books. But sooner or later, they start to feel pressure from me or they start reacting as though I think I am better than them.
Do I think I am better than them? No, but I do think that I am working harder than they are? Yes, yes I do.
I don't want to stay the same. I am continuously challenging myself. I have done so since I was 19…pushing, pulling, questioning, wondering. It is a messing thing sometimes but I don't want to stop. I don't want to accept what is and say "oh well."
I am not trying to make things perfect, I don't believe that is possible. What I am doing is looking for the truth. I know this quest may never end and all I'll be left with is a lifetime of questioning but this is who I am. This is my bliss.
It's been a battle at times for me to keep going. I keep going. How have I failed to notice that this is not everyone's path? Just because people say they want things to change doesn't mean that they are willing to do something to change it. Some people will talk and complain about it their whole life. Some people will take it and take it and then, after a very long time, so something to change it.
Everyone has their timeline.
I have to stop assuming that what people say is also what they mean.
On another topic…
When I was driving today, I noticed how things looked in my review mirror. Is that where I spend my life, looking at where I have been? Am I assuming that life will be just more of the same?
Where is my focus? On what has been? Is this why I seem to meet the same kind of people? Is this why I can find a pattern in my relationships? Am I only getting close to people who remind me of people I have already met?
Am I open to new experiences, new people, new relationships? Do I think that I am only worth friendships that need me to 'save' the other person? Am I drawn to ill people so I can play dr?
This is not easy to look at but I know there is truth here.
How do I care for someone and not save them? What else am I good for? Do I think this is the only reason they like my anyway? Is this my hook to pull them in?
How sad is that? This reminds me of my family…wanting desperately to save them from themselves or from alcohol or from their spouses. I am not sure I know another way of showing how much I care.
Hmm…lots to think about. I am glad that I am heading out to meditation soon. Om.
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
wounds
Saturday brought many things into focus, things that I wanted to remain fuzzy.
When do we know, for sure, that we shouldn't attempt to heal other people wounds anymore?
There is no 'for sure' is there?
I've been covering up for my son for months and months. I've told myself that he will snap out of this. I've poured my energy into pointing out to him how to bandage his wounds, how to see clearly, how to be real.
I have always been a person who easily, too easily, sees the potential in a situation or person. It is clear as day. I assume that they want to be that vision.
I've been through this with friends. They tell me that they want to be less depressed or they don't want to suffer anymore but when it comes time to do something different, something new, they refuse.
I stick around for months, years, waiting for them to make the shift. They don't. Then, I leave.
Why can't I stay? Why do I feel so much pain, for them, for me, for what is?
I believe what people say and ignore their actions. I make complicated excuses for them. I don't want to admit that they are not growing/learning because that would mean that I am not a good teacher, that I have failed to show them how to find peace in their life.
What is wrong with me? Am I so cold-hearted? Am I so impatient? Why can't I stay with someone when they are ripping apart their lives? Why can't I stay when they are making poor choices? Why can't I stay when they are telling me that this is the life they want to lead?
Why? Maybe because I entered the relationship in the first place to share my journey, my continuous path of learning, changing, evolving. That was their attraction to me too, wasn't it? Why were they friends with me? Did they expect me to change, to all of sudden NOT see?
What people like about me is this uncanny ability to see them, to know what is going on. They are shocked that I can see so clearly. They seem to want what I have to offer. They seek out my advice. And then, they don't. I stand there wondering what the hell to do.
I can't stay because I see a different reality. I see them being genuine and honest. I see them not bowing down to the weight of media/culture and other's expectations.
My son wants to be a sheep, following the crowd. He wants to hide himself and be this 'cool guy' who I don't recognize. He has made this secret life online. He is feeding off a pseudo-persona.
I bought him up to see beyond the trappings of this yet he wants it. He wouldn't be the first child to reject his upbringing, would he?
What I find most scary are the echoes of life with his father before we separated. The arguing, the tension, the silences, the impossibility of finding a common ground, and the lack of peace.
How do I relate to him now? I find what he is doing to be a grave injustice…to himself, to the family, to the world. How do I sit by and watch his phony actions and empty words.
Perhaps this happened a while ago and I didn't see it. I wouldn't accept it. I still don't want to know it.
What kind of mother am I? I am depleted. I am exhausted. What has all this work been for? He doesn't want it and I don't want to accept reality. It is right there and still I turn my head.
My house carries the air of death in it. Something has died.
When do we know, for sure, that we shouldn't attempt to heal other people wounds anymore?
There is no 'for sure' is there?
I've been covering up for my son for months and months. I've told myself that he will snap out of this. I've poured my energy into pointing out to him how to bandage his wounds, how to see clearly, how to be real.
I have always been a person who easily, too easily, sees the potential in a situation or person. It is clear as day. I assume that they want to be that vision.
I've been through this with friends. They tell me that they want to be less depressed or they don't want to suffer anymore but when it comes time to do something different, something new, they refuse.
I stick around for months, years, waiting for them to make the shift. They don't. Then, I leave.
Why can't I stay? Why do I feel so much pain, for them, for me, for what is?
I believe what people say and ignore their actions. I make complicated excuses for them. I don't want to admit that they are not growing/learning because that would mean that I am not a good teacher, that I have failed to show them how to find peace in their life.
What is wrong with me? Am I so cold-hearted? Am I so impatient? Why can't I stay with someone when they are ripping apart their lives? Why can't I stay when they are making poor choices? Why can't I stay when they are telling me that this is the life they want to lead?
Why? Maybe because I entered the relationship in the first place to share my journey, my continuous path of learning, changing, evolving. That was their attraction to me too, wasn't it? Why were they friends with me? Did they expect me to change, to all of sudden NOT see?
What people like about me is this uncanny ability to see them, to know what is going on. They are shocked that I can see so clearly. They seem to want what I have to offer. They seek out my advice. And then, they don't. I stand there wondering what the hell to do.
I can't stay because I see a different reality. I see them being genuine and honest. I see them not bowing down to the weight of media/culture and other's expectations.
My son wants to be a sheep, following the crowd. He wants to hide himself and be this 'cool guy' who I don't recognize. He has made this secret life online. He is feeding off a pseudo-persona.
I bought him up to see beyond the trappings of this yet he wants it. He wouldn't be the first child to reject his upbringing, would he?
What I find most scary are the echoes of life with his father before we separated. The arguing, the tension, the silences, the impossibility of finding a common ground, and the lack of peace.
How do I relate to him now? I find what he is doing to be a grave injustice…to himself, to the family, to the world. How do I sit by and watch his phony actions and empty words.
Perhaps this happened a while ago and I didn't see it. I wouldn't accept it. I still don't want to know it.
What kind of mother am I? I am depleted. I am exhausted. What has all this work been for? He doesn't want it and I don't want to accept reality. It is right there and still I turn my head.
My house carries the air of death in it. Something has died.
Saturday, 7 December 2013
Rudy
I woke up with ease today, wide awake and ready to go. I love mornings like this.
Alas, it didn't last the morning.
My son (18) and I have been on an emotional merry-go-round for about a year. It goes like this:
He seems fine for 2-3 days and then gets moody…then he gets more moody…then he blames every problem he ever had on the way he looks…then he compares himself with everyone else and always comes out a loser…and then he gets furious because I can't fix everything to his image of how he and everything else should be.
My pattern is to see him doing well…then see the mood and try to help him get back on track…I give him skills/choices (writing or therapy or go for a run)…I point out that he doesn't seem like himself…I am cheerful…then I get impatient…then I get more impatient…then, I lose my temper (sometimes I cry).
Today's scenario:
I am happy and sweeping out the back porch. He comes in and it is as though all the fresh air has been sucked out of the room. I am standing on the event horizon of a black hole. I do not want to react as I usually do because I don't want to be part of the problem anymore. I listen to him. I tell him how I feel (frustrated, hurt) about his lying. I go in my room and cry. Then, I leave to drop off garbage and recycle. I then drive down to NH to a cafe. I write for 90 minutes trying to see what is going on.
It comes to this:
I have been acting as though I am responsible for his thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I am not.
I have been believing that I could "turn him around." I can't.
I didn't want to see the truth of what he has been doing for months. I see it now.
I am very sad because I don't know anymore if I like him and that is a big no-no for a mother.
He is no longer a child yet not an adult. How to deal with him?
For now, I am going to focus on not accepting responsibility for what he does. I have been über responsible for too long. I am going to see what I have been doing that is not helping rather than see so clearly what he is doing wrong.
Which brings us to the title of today's blog:
I went into a thrift shop today and browsed around. This was a way to be around people as I didn't want to be alone nor did I want to go home. As I was leaving I found myself looking at teddy bears on a shelf. I do not recall even walking over there but there I was. He was sitting there, a VT teddy bear but an older version. He is darker and squatter and rounder. I needed a friend and there he was. I held onto him like you would a 9 month old and walked over to the cashier. $5. We walked to the car. I put him in the passenger seat.
"What should I call you?" I asked. There was no answer.
Later in the day I went to see the movie, The Book Thief. When I ran back to my car (it is SO cold here) and remembered my new friend, his name came to me, Rudy…RudyBear. Perfect!
(Rudy is the name of the good friend of the book thief character.) I too need a friend.
I put RudyBear on the left side of my lap and drove home under the crescent moon. I didn't feel alone. Hopefully, neither did Rudy.
Alas, it didn't last the morning.
My son (18) and I have been on an emotional merry-go-round for about a year. It goes like this:
He seems fine for 2-3 days and then gets moody…then he gets more moody…then he blames every problem he ever had on the way he looks…then he compares himself with everyone else and always comes out a loser…and then he gets furious because I can't fix everything to his image of how he and everything else should be.
My pattern is to see him doing well…then see the mood and try to help him get back on track…I give him skills/choices (writing or therapy or go for a run)…I point out that he doesn't seem like himself…I am cheerful…then I get impatient…then I get more impatient…then, I lose my temper (sometimes I cry).
Today's scenario:
I am happy and sweeping out the back porch. He comes in and it is as though all the fresh air has been sucked out of the room. I am standing on the event horizon of a black hole. I do not want to react as I usually do because I don't want to be part of the problem anymore. I listen to him. I tell him how I feel (frustrated, hurt) about his lying. I go in my room and cry. Then, I leave to drop off garbage and recycle. I then drive down to NH to a cafe. I write for 90 minutes trying to see what is going on.
It comes to this:
I have been acting as though I am responsible for his thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I am not.
I have been believing that I could "turn him around." I can't.
I didn't want to see the truth of what he has been doing for months. I see it now.
I am very sad because I don't know anymore if I like him and that is a big no-no for a mother.
He is no longer a child yet not an adult. How to deal with him?
For now, I am going to focus on not accepting responsibility for what he does. I have been über responsible for too long. I am going to see what I have been doing that is not helping rather than see so clearly what he is doing wrong.
Which brings us to the title of today's blog:
I went into a thrift shop today and browsed around. This was a way to be around people as I didn't want to be alone nor did I want to go home. As I was leaving I found myself looking at teddy bears on a shelf. I do not recall even walking over there but there I was. He was sitting there, a VT teddy bear but an older version. He is darker and squatter and rounder. I needed a friend and there he was. I held onto him like you would a 9 month old and walked over to the cashier. $5. We walked to the car. I put him in the passenger seat.
"What should I call you?" I asked. There was no answer.
Later in the day I went to see the movie, The Book Thief. When I ran back to my car (it is SO cold here) and remembered my new friend, his name came to me, Rudy…RudyBear. Perfect!
(Rudy is the name of the good friend of the book thief character.) I too need a friend.
I put RudyBear on the left side of my lap and drove home under the crescent moon. I didn't feel alone. Hopefully, neither did Rudy.
Wednesday, 4 December 2013
good news, bad news
Today I woke up in a panic. My chest was heavy and as I looked out my big bedroom bay window into the dark, all I could sense was fear. I saw it, tasted it, heard it. It enveloped me. Awake for less than a minute and life had me in a head lock, pinned down, unable to move.
I lay in bed wondering what was wrong with me. I rolled over and pulled up my down comforter. Safe.
It was not yet morning and I don't know if I ever felt so alone.
The day was packed: 8:15- appt at DHMC (hospital) for post breast surgery.
9:00 -appt for annual eye exam
10:45- fingerprinting at the police station for my work as a substitute at the school
Noon - therapeutic blood draw
2:00- therapy
3:30 - pick up son and go food shopping
How was I going to do this? My alarm was set for 6:10. I ran into the hall and put the heat on around 5:30. Back to bed for half an hour.
I don't know how but I got up, took a shower and got dressed. The less I thought the better. I imagined all the other people I know getting up for work. This is how people live every day.
My cat bella followed me around all morning, crying to be picked up. She sat over my left shoulder, her favorite place, and I walked around the house. I love her, she is my heart.
The good news of the day: Things look good with the breast and I'll have a 3D mammogram next year.
Bad news: The eye doctor is not sure why my tests are abnormal for eye pressure (25) and my left eye is drastically worse and seeing shadows of the letters on the eye test. "I've never seen results like this before," she said. I crossed my arms and thought, "Oh shit, here we go."
She wants me to see the neuro-opthamologist. Her first appt isn't until Jan 23th. They want to look at my optic nerve, etc.
Amazing.
I am upset because I want things to be different. I don't want to talk about medical stuff. I want to pretend I'm just gong through some stress and this will pass. I want to be able to run every day. I want my immune system to act properly. I want to pretend I am healthy.
I have pushed deep inside me a kind of rage, a screaming cry to let the heavens and hells know that I've had enough. ENOUGH!
I don't want to feel sorry for myself…I HATE THAT! I am stuck. Stuck between denial and not wanting to sound like a victim.
I give myself kudos point for pushing myself. I run when my knee aches. I clean the house when I am exhausted. I have gotten so good at not feeling my pain that the pain has to yell now. All I want to do is yell back. "I hate you!" but that isn't very kind of me, is it?
Pain doesn't have it in for me. Pain comes from something being wrong. I don't want to be wrong.
I feel so cut off from others. Yet, how do I know how many other people suffer in silence?
I listened to some Buddhist lectures in the car, stressing how we are all interconnected. I understand why it is important to be kind and helpful and patient. I failed at that this morning. All I could think of was my own fear and loneliness.
While I was waiting for my surgeon (20 minutes in that waiting room) I prayed for all the sick and hurting people in the hospital. I prayed for grace, contentment and peace. I envisioned sending out waves of peace to them. I didn't want any of them to suffer alone. I try. I try. I try.
Tonight I called my mother and told her the news. I started to giggle when I told her about my eye. It is funny, in a warped way. Here is another path for me to walk down.
Part of my life is dedicated to understanding what life is all about. I read a lot of philosophy. I have always been a deep intense thinker. I wonder. I try to figure out. I question. I observe. I wonder again.
I am digging and digging. I may not get anywhere but I am learning to be an excellent digger and I have piles and piles of dirt. ha!
I look around and wonder. I have no answers…but I go on. I still want to stop people from suffering. I still want to find my place. Maybe this is my place. Maybe my suffering is giving me the best opportunity to help others. I wonder...
I lay in bed wondering what was wrong with me. I rolled over and pulled up my down comforter. Safe.
It was not yet morning and I don't know if I ever felt so alone.
The day was packed: 8:15- appt at DHMC (hospital) for post breast surgery.
9:00 -appt for annual eye exam
10:45- fingerprinting at the police station for my work as a substitute at the school
Noon - therapeutic blood draw
2:00- therapy
3:30 - pick up son and go food shopping
How was I going to do this? My alarm was set for 6:10. I ran into the hall and put the heat on around 5:30. Back to bed for half an hour.
I don't know how but I got up, took a shower and got dressed. The less I thought the better. I imagined all the other people I know getting up for work. This is how people live every day.
My cat bella followed me around all morning, crying to be picked up. She sat over my left shoulder, her favorite place, and I walked around the house. I love her, she is my heart.
The good news of the day: Things look good with the breast and I'll have a 3D mammogram next year.
Bad news: The eye doctor is not sure why my tests are abnormal for eye pressure (25) and my left eye is drastically worse and seeing shadows of the letters on the eye test. "I've never seen results like this before," she said. I crossed my arms and thought, "Oh shit, here we go."
She wants me to see the neuro-opthamologist. Her first appt isn't until Jan 23th. They want to look at my optic nerve, etc.
Amazing.
I am upset because I want things to be different. I don't want to talk about medical stuff. I want to pretend I'm just gong through some stress and this will pass. I want to be able to run every day. I want my immune system to act properly. I want to pretend I am healthy.
I have pushed deep inside me a kind of rage, a screaming cry to let the heavens and hells know that I've had enough. ENOUGH!
I don't want to feel sorry for myself…I HATE THAT! I am stuck. Stuck between denial and not wanting to sound like a victim.
I give myself kudos point for pushing myself. I run when my knee aches. I clean the house when I am exhausted. I have gotten so good at not feeling my pain that the pain has to yell now. All I want to do is yell back. "I hate you!" but that isn't very kind of me, is it?
Pain doesn't have it in for me. Pain comes from something being wrong. I don't want to be wrong.
I feel so cut off from others. Yet, how do I know how many other people suffer in silence?
I listened to some Buddhist lectures in the car, stressing how we are all interconnected. I understand why it is important to be kind and helpful and patient. I failed at that this morning. All I could think of was my own fear and loneliness.
While I was waiting for my surgeon (20 minutes in that waiting room) I prayed for all the sick and hurting people in the hospital. I prayed for grace, contentment and peace. I envisioned sending out waves of peace to them. I didn't want any of them to suffer alone. I try. I try. I try.
Tonight I called my mother and told her the news. I started to giggle when I told her about my eye. It is funny, in a warped way. Here is another path for me to walk down.
Part of my life is dedicated to understanding what life is all about. I read a lot of philosophy. I have always been a deep intense thinker. I wonder. I try to figure out. I question. I observe. I wonder again.
I am digging and digging. I may not get anywhere but I am learning to be an excellent digger and I have piles and piles of dirt. ha!
I look around and wonder. I have no answers…but I go on. I still want to stop people from suffering. I still want to find my place. Maybe this is my place. Maybe my suffering is giving me the best opportunity to help others. I wonder...
Monday, 2 December 2013
sharing
I went to my meditation group tonight and shared a 20 minute lecture of Bob Thurman's. (We usually listen to 20 minutes of Thich Nhat Hahn. )
I had the sense that no one in the group was thrilled with it. One person even shared that his mind was racing with "This guy talks too much". I felt a balloon deflate within me. Even in a Buddhist meditation group, I'm an odd duck?
I LOVE Thurman. He speaks to me so deeply and I wanted others to like him too.
What am I doing? Why do I think I need to open people's minds? Why did I offer to share the CDs?
I feel foolish. I feel vulnerable. I feel disappointed.
I had a tough day yesterday with my oldest son who insists on believing things that are not true. I see how upset he gets when he starts with his story, "I should be doing better. I should be doing more. My mother keeps me on a short leash." Yada, yada, yada. I've heard this TOO MANY times. It still isn't true.
From my perspective, I see him throwing away so many wonderful things. He just won't accept who he is and find happiness with what is.
I am having a tough time accepting his behaviors. He is 18 and thinks that somehow having a birthday entitles him to be treated like an adult. He wants all the perks and NONE of the responsibility. Amazing. I can't count on him to keep his room tidy nevertheless wake up with his alarm.
I wrote a lot last night so I could get clear about what is going on. I was sad to see what was going on. I need to see what he is doing and stop making excuses for him. I am care-taking too much. I understand that he may want a different lifestyle but then, he needs to figure out how he is going to pay for all of it.
I told him I am done doing his wash, waking him up, letting him use my car, washing his dishes and having to remind him several times a day to do his share of the chores. DONE.
I cleaned the house today with the help of my 16 yr old while MR. I AM 18 NOW, slept until 11am.
I am not going to ask him for help anymore. I am adjusting to WHAT IS. I told him, it is up to him now. He can take care of himself. I also told him he can no longer use my car. DONE.
I am still angry at him because he is causing havoc and chaos in the family but all I can do is stay clear and not get sucked up into the 'soap opera' story lines.
I never thought this would happen but it has. I am not sure how long it will last or if things will ever go back to what they once were. I can only deal with what IS happening and do it to the best of my ability. I find myself saying, "Unbelievable!" but I need to tell myself that it is very believable.
Motherhood is difficult and challenging! I am very tired.
I don't understand what he is doing. It seems so clear that he is making himself miserable. I can't save the world. I can't save my own son from suffering. All I can do is do what needs to be done, be honest. pray, meditate, and take care of what I can.
I feel very alone. This too shall pass, eh?
I had the sense that no one in the group was thrilled with it. One person even shared that his mind was racing with "This guy talks too much". I felt a balloon deflate within me. Even in a Buddhist meditation group, I'm an odd duck?
I LOVE Thurman. He speaks to me so deeply and I wanted others to like him too.
What am I doing? Why do I think I need to open people's minds? Why did I offer to share the CDs?
I feel foolish. I feel vulnerable. I feel disappointed.
I had a tough day yesterday with my oldest son who insists on believing things that are not true. I see how upset he gets when he starts with his story, "I should be doing better. I should be doing more. My mother keeps me on a short leash." Yada, yada, yada. I've heard this TOO MANY times. It still isn't true.
From my perspective, I see him throwing away so many wonderful things. He just won't accept who he is and find happiness with what is.
I am having a tough time accepting his behaviors. He is 18 and thinks that somehow having a birthday entitles him to be treated like an adult. He wants all the perks and NONE of the responsibility. Amazing. I can't count on him to keep his room tidy nevertheless wake up with his alarm.
I wrote a lot last night so I could get clear about what is going on. I was sad to see what was going on. I need to see what he is doing and stop making excuses for him. I am care-taking too much. I understand that he may want a different lifestyle but then, he needs to figure out how he is going to pay for all of it.
I told him I am done doing his wash, waking him up, letting him use my car, washing his dishes and having to remind him several times a day to do his share of the chores. DONE.
I cleaned the house today with the help of my 16 yr old while MR. I AM 18 NOW, slept until 11am.
I am not going to ask him for help anymore. I am adjusting to WHAT IS. I told him, it is up to him now. He can take care of himself. I also told him he can no longer use my car. DONE.
I am still angry at him because he is causing havoc and chaos in the family but all I can do is stay clear and not get sucked up into the 'soap opera' story lines.
I never thought this would happen but it has. I am not sure how long it will last or if things will ever go back to what they once were. I can only deal with what IS happening and do it to the best of my ability. I find myself saying, "Unbelievable!" but I need to tell myself that it is very believable.
Motherhood is difficult and challenging! I am very tired.
I don't understand what he is doing. It seems so clear that he is making himself miserable. I can't save the world. I can't save my own son from suffering. All I can do is do what needs to be done, be honest. pray, meditate, and take care of what I can.
I feel very alone. This too shall pass, eh?
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