sheer fear

It's almost 4am.  The temperature outside is 0.  I can feel the cold pushing against every tiny crack.  It is oozing through the floor.  Amazing how cold is cold.

I woke up to the sound of an alarm.  My son's Honda was blaring.  The frigid temps did something to the car horn and it sounds like someone had their hand on the horn.  I woke up my ex-husband who lives on the other side of the house and he went out and unhooked the battery.

I stood out there with a flashlight to help.  It was COLD.

I am filled with dread and fear.  The sub-freezing temps will be here for 2 days.  A snow storm is coming.  A local 16 year old boy had an accident the other day after a small snow storm.  My boys have work for the next 3 days, driving 45 miles one way.

I am not sure how I feel about anything anymore.  There doesn't seem to be time to deal with much as everyone in the house is busy.

I blame myself of course.  Why can't I be the kind of person who roles with the punches and doesn't ask any big questions?  What is is about me that is so drawn to the esoteric side of things?  I wonder if I shouldn't push myself to be less…less me?   Obviously that doesn't make any sense.

Is it me?  What defines us anyway?  What is our personality?  Was I like this as a child?

As far as my memory goes, my oldest memories of myself are being unsure of myself.  Even at 5 I can remember wanting my friends to like me, wanting to be put into the K-1 class rather than just the K class.  Even then, I doubted myself, wanted to be other than I was or more than I was.

I recall being upset and scared about violence on TV.  Not the stuff they show today, I mean fake fist fighting in Elvis Presley movies or on Bonanza.  I would feel the feelings on the characters.  I couldn't disengage and see that it wasn't happening in reality.

I vividly remember thinking about when I die and trying to figure out if everything (sun, moon, ground, grass, etc.) would go with me when I died.  Then I realized I wouldn't, that only I would die and everything else would stay the same.  This was a very sad realization for me.

I can't imagine other people not feeling this way too.  I suppose that makes me prejudice?  I assume everyone should be like me?  I am happy for them that they are not.  I don't think it is an easy road.  Does anyone have it easy?  Do all paths include suffering and despair?

I am looking at my Christmas tree with her pretty lights.  A beautiful tree. At this moment, which is all there is, everything is fine.  My sons are sleeping.  There is food in the fridge.  The wood stove is burning hot.  We have electricity.  

This is it.

Why the fear?  Why the dread of another day?

I so want to escape, to run away.   To where?  How childish I am being, yes?  I still want someone to protect me, someone to lean on, someone to depend on.  I don't have a person like that although I am a person like that for my children.  I don't know how I do it but I do.

I am trying to find out what is true.  If we are all connected, there is no separation.  If this life is only a fraction of life - if our souls go on after death -  to what do I fear?

Unknowing?  Failure?

I don't know what to do.   I don't know why I feel as I do.  I know many people are in more difficult situations than I am.  I know that many of us suffer in silence and tell ourselves that this is just the way it is.  I don't believe that.  I believe there is another way.  I just don't know what it is or how to get there.

It is frustrating being me.  I am fighting, fighting, fighting and that can't be good, can it?

In Taoism, you are to align yourself with nature, with the natural flow of life.  What does that look like and what if I get it wrong?

I assume being at peace would be part of it and if so, I am not flowing with nature.

One of the cats just jumped up on the top of the shelves and knocked over the wooden statue of St. Francis, breaking a small part of its left hand.  This statue belonged to my dear friend Marjorie who died 2 years ago.  Darn cat!

I put the heat on because the frigid cold air from the basement can be felt everywhere and the wood stove can't keep up with it.

I feel bewildered, stuck in between worlds somehow.  I don't like it here.  I am clueless.  I am lost.  I don't know who I am or who I am supposed to be anymore.  It's been such a roller coaster these past few months.  I, for one, am ready to get off and get back on solid ground.