That is the weather here and how I am feeling myself. Cold as in removed…removed from myself.
I am not sure what is going on. I am in this 'thing' again where I am slow…SLOW. My thinking, my actions, everything has slowed down. It is as though there is something drawing on my energy supply and it is draining it consistently, leaving me just enough to basically function.
It is a strange feeling. I tell myself this can't be happening and yet I am living in it, right now.
I've been here before and it usually means that something is brewing in my unconscious. It doesn't hurt per se, but it is not comfortable either.
I feel very detached from the world and yet somehow, on some subtle level, I am more in tune with the world. See what I mean? Strange. Paradoxical.
I have always felt that anything paradoxical is also true. Why I believe this, I don't know. I have yet to find an occasion where it wasn't true. There is plenty of time for that.
What has happened for this to unfold? I continue to study. In some ways, I am studying for a Ph.D of sorts. I am a student and I am studying reality. It is an 'Alice in Wonderland' experience of late.
The ideas that I am contemplating are as follows:
-Everything I see, is of the earth. All materials are from here. Previously, some (all?) of it is from the universe. Plastic cups, metal signs, the tiled floor, the material on this chair, the keys I am tapping on this computer…all from one source. And so am I and the lady sitting next to me, along with all the people and food in this huge cafe. ("The one wax takes many molds" -J. Campbell)
-We are all connected on a very real energy plane. Physics bears this out. This isn't a new-agey cuddly idea, it is true. E=mc2. String theory and M Theory, which some of the greatest minds of our age are contemplating. Why is this not front page news? Why isn't this being shouted from the rooftops? Because it is weird. Because in order to comprehend this, our life and perceptions must shift. It is not comfortable. Imagine what it was like the first time someone told some that the world was not flat? It seems flat. It also looks as though the sun is moving around us. Not true. It SEEMS as though we are all separate and most of us believe that something outside of this universe created it all. Why? Why isn't it reasonable to believe that everything here came from here? You eat from the earth, you walk on the earth, you breath the earth, some of us gave birth on the earth to more earth people.
-Jung said that he didn't know by what myth (story) he lived by and it was vital that he found out. How many of us are aware of the story we live by? Is it just the religion we believe in, is that the whole story? Is it the things your patents said or did, is that your story? Do you live in a story that is full of thoughts you thought when you were younger. "I am a loser" "I am unloveable" "I'll never have enough" "Something is wrong with me" "The world is a cruel place" "People love me" "We all need to be in couples" "I have to be good to get good things". I have no idea what my story is but I live it…I act it out. I am just becoming aware of my part, my role, and the roles I put everyone else in too. Do I see clearly, what this world is or do I pick and chose pieces to fit my story. A self-fulfilling prophecy, the term is called. In this way, we co-create our reality but act like a victim as we play it out.
-How can I be connected to all and be singular also? Paradox. In quantum physics, this is a fully accepted reality. It is a wave AND particle (wavicle) shaping into one form depending on the observer. The observer affects the reality, we CANNOT remove ourselves from the equation. We cannot hide or dismiss ourselves. What we think, say, feel and do AFFECTS the whole. We co-create who we are with what we think, say, feel and do. Is that powerful? Maybe..but more like scary. What a huge responsibility. We matter! (excuse the pun) If we take this personally, we inflate ourselves and think we are a god. If we take it as we are a tiny part of the whole, then we are part of god(or mystery or universe), responsible for our part.
-We can only find ourselves by losing ourselves. Paradox. I fear becoming nothing, lacking a personality, becoming like a lobotomized patient. I'll lose my individuality. This is the fear but I don't believe it is true. Still, I struggle to hold onto myself and my story of me, you and the world. I've put so much knowledge into my mind and now I want to deny it so I can continue doing what I want. Crazy and true. Paradox again.
This life long theme of wanting answers, needing answers, knowing that something is not quite right…I am not able to stop it. It is not as though I chose it, consciously anyway. We are born with things already in place. Some people are obsessed with animals, dancing, an ancient culture, flying, etc. Mine has been searching for the truth of what reality is. Is there one answer? What scares me is that recently I understand statements from various cultures, regions, time periods in a new way and I clearly see a theme. I am afraid of the theme. It means a total shift in my perceptions. I am not sure I am willing to do it. All these years, all the work and I am hesitating. Hesitating because it feels like death, a cold dark lonely death.
I've never been good at learning foreign languages but I have learned a new language, the language of symbols and metaphor. I understand sayings of Buddha, St. Francis, Rumi, Rilke, Jesus, the Upanishads, etc. I see it and at the same time I am squeezing my eyes shut and shaking my head, like a child. I want to stay in the dream…even though my life has been dedicated to pulling back the curtains of the dream to see reality.
Everything I have ever read assures me that beyond this fear is peace, that emptying will fill me up and, from death comes new life. I am frozen, petrified. I dare not move another inch.
What will this mean, moving further on the journey? Will I lose my mind? Is it part of the journey to lose one's mind to make room for a new mind, a connection to the universal mind?
(metaphorically-speaking folks)
The closer I get to the edge, the slower I go. Is this a mistake? Am I nuts? Is this for my benefit or for others or are they the same thing?
I fear even writing about all this. I am not sure anyone can understand who hasn't wrestled with the same obsession. I know I sure wouldn't not have understood it until it happened to me.
It is extremely cold outside. I can feel this cold air even in the middle of this large heated building. There is no place to hide. It is what it is.
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