numb

That's how I feel this afternoon.  After getting back from 2weeks on Long Island helping out my mother, I've had a job interview, a diagnostic mammogram, and a breast biopsy.  I've only been home for 3 days.

I got the results today, it is not cancer.  They found precancerous cells.  I'll follow up with a breast specialist and they want another biopsy to make sure all is well.

Am I relieved?  No.

For two days all I have read about is the different types of diagnoses for linear clustered micro-calcifications.  Some were benign, some where cancer but I didn't read about ADH. (Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia)

It's like a non-diagnosis.

I also got the job offer and I don't want the job.  He is hiring me from my resume.  He never asked me anything about myself.  The place seems dysfunctional to the max.

My gut told me 2 minutes into the interview ("no way") but my head tells me all these facts: Money.  Get to tell people you found a job.  No more looking for work.  Save money and move out.

I feel torn up about so many things.   I am not sick after all this 'rush,rush" with the medical stuff.  I don't have an income.  I do not like living in the house with my ex-spouse.  My kids are so busy my head spins sometimes.  My kids don't like living with their father on the other side of the house but only tell me.  Winter is coming and it's a LONG season up here in VT.

This will sounds crazy but it is true, I would have rather have had cancer.  It would mean that there was an end point to all this stress.

I pray for everyone every day but still I feel the suffering.  I see it when I go out.  So many people unhappy and miserable.  I don't know what to do to help, to make them better.

I am tired of life.  I am tired of phone calls, driving, dr appts, food shopping, emails, resumes, feeding the cats and everything else.

I wish I had invasive breast cancer so I could finally see an end point.  I wish I could give my life to someone who really wants to live.  I am so tired.

I know there are many many people with lives worse than mine and I am ashamed that I do not treasure life more.  I find life to be so much work.  I do a lot alone and perhaps that makes it harder?

It doesn't matter.   I am ashamed of the truth but I know it to be true for me.  I am very sad to find out that I am healthy today.   I look around and I am have no idea what to do next.  Where am I going?  What am I doing?  What happened to my life as wife and mother?

I am scared.  I am tired.  I am overwhelmed.  I am alone.  Oh and I have ADH.   Ugh.