The new blog is called 'no path to follow...'
I deeply thank you for reading me all this time. =]
The address is http://stumbleandfindgold.blogspot.com
Monday, 13 January 2014
Friday, 10 January 2014
sunset
I found myself dancing in the kitchen yesterday. I realized then that I was back, back from wherever I have been.
What has unfolded in me is not transferable to words, not yet anyway.
It is as though I went on a long journey…a l-o-n-g journey and I have come home.
I am seeking no more.
While I sit with what has happened to me, I am changing the name of my blog to reflect my life.
I haven't thought too much about it yet but I know that I have left a seeker's path.
I'll post with the new info, as soon at it enters my mind. hahaha
What has unfolded in me is not transferable to words, not yet anyway.
It is as though I went on a long journey…a l-o-n-g journey and I have come home.
I am seeking no more.
While I sit with what has happened to me, I am changing the name of my blog to reflect my life.
I haven't thought too much about it yet but I know that I have left a seeker's path.
I'll post with the new info, as soon at it enters my mind. hahaha
Friday, 3 January 2014
colder than cold
That is the weather here and how I am feeling myself. Cold as in removed…removed from myself.
I am not sure what is going on. I am in this 'thing' again where I am slow…SLOW. My thinking, my actions, everything has slowed down. It is as though there is something drawing on my energy supply and it is draining it consistently, leaving me just enough to basically function.
It is a strange feeling. I tell myself this can't be happening and yet I am living in it, right now.
I've been here before and it usually means that something is brewing in my unconscious. It doesn't hurt per se, but it is not comfortable either.
I feel very detached from the world and yet somehow, on some subtle level, I am more in tune with the world. See what I mean? Strange. Paradoxical.
I have always felt that anything paradoxical is also true. Why I believe this, I don't know. I have yet to find an occasion where it wasn't true. There is plenty of time for that.
What has happened for this to unfold? I continue to study. In some ways, I am studying for a Ph.D of sorts. I am a student and I am studying reality. It is an 'Alice in Wonderland' experience of late.
The ideas that I am contemplating are as follows:
-Everything I see, is of the earth. All materials are from here. Previously, some (all?) of it is from the universe. Plastic cups, metal signs, the tiled floor, the material on this chair, the keys I am tapping on this computer…all from one source. And so am I and the lady sitting next to me, along with all the people and food in this huge cafe. ("The one wax takes many molds" -J. Campbell)
-We are all connected on a very real energy plane. Physics bears this out. This isn't a new-agey cuddly idea, it is true. E=mc2. String theory and M Theory, which some of the greatest minds of our age are contemplating. Why is this not front page news? Why isn't this being shouted from the rooftops? Because it is weird. Because in order to comprehend this, our life and perceptions must shift. It is not comfortable. Imagine what it was like the first time someone told some that the world was not flat? It seems flat. It also looks as though the sun is moving around us. Not true. It SEEMS as though we are all separate and most of us believe that something outside of this universe created it all. Why? Why isn't it reasonable to believe that everything here came from here? You eat from the earth, you walk on the earth, you breath the earth, some of us gave birth on the earth to more earth people.
-Jung said that he didn't know by what myth (story) he lived by and it was vital that he found out. How many of us are aware of the story we live by? Is it just the religion we believe in, is that the whole story? Is it the things your patents said or did, is that your story? Do you live in a story that is full of thoughts you thought when you were younger. "I am a loser" "I am unloveable" "I'll never have enough" "Something is wrong with me" "The world is a cruel place" "People love me" "We all need to be in couples" "I have to be good to get good things". I have no idea what my story is but I live it…I act it out. I am just becoming aware of my part, my role, and the roles I put everyone else in too. Do I see clearly, what this world is or do I pick and chose pieces to fit my story. A self-fulfilling prophecy, the term is called. In this way, we co-create our reality but act like a victim as we play it out.
-How can I be connected to all and be singular also? Paradox. In quantum physics, this is a fully accepted reality. It is a wave AND particle (wavicle) shaping into one form depending on the observer. The observer affects the reality, we CANNOT remove ourselves from the equation. We cannot hide or dismiss ourselves. What we think, say, feel and do AFFECTS the whole. We co-create who we are with what we think, say, feel and do. Is that powerful? Maybe..but more like scary. What a huge responsibility. We matter! (excuse the pun) If we take this personally, we inflate ourselves and think we are a god. If we take it as we are a tiny part of the whole, then we are part of god(or mystery or universe), responsible for our part.
-We can only find ourselves by losing ourselves. Paradox. I fear becoming nothing, lacking a personality, becoming like a lobotomized patient. I'll lose my individuality. This is the fear but I don't believe it is true. Still, I struggle to hold onto myself and my story of me, you and the world. I've put so much knowledge into my mind and now I want to deny it so I can continue doing what I want. Crazy and true. Paradox again.
This life long theme of wanting answers, needing answers, knowing that something is not quite right…I am not able to stop it. It is not as though I chose it, consciously anyway. We are born with things already in place. Some people are obsessed with animals, dancing, an ancient culture, flying, etc. Mine has been searching for the truth of what reality is. Is there one answer? What scares me is that recently I understand statements from various cultures, regions, time periods in a new way and I clearly see a theme. I am afraid of the theme. It means a total shift in my perceptions. I am not sure I am willing to do it. All these years, all the work and I am hesitating. Hesitating because it feels like death, a cold dark lonely death.
I've never been good at learning foreign languages but I have learned a new language, the language of symbols and metaphor. I understand sayings of Buddha, St. Francis, Rumi, Rilke, Jesus, the Upanishads, etc. I see it and at the same time I am squeezing my eyes shut and shaking my head, like a child. I want to stay in the dream…even though my life has been dedicated to pulling back the curtains of the dream to see reality.
Everything I have ever read assures me that beyond this fear is peace, that emptying will fill me up and, from death comes new life. I am frozen, petrified. I dare not move another inch.
What will this mean, moving further on the journey? Will I lose my mind? Is it part of the journey to lose one's mind to make room for a new mind, a connection to the universal mind?
(metaphorically-speaking folks)
The closer I get to the edge, the slower I go. Is this a mistake? Am I nuts? Is this for my benefit or for others or are they the same thing?
I fear even writing about all this. I am not sure anyone can understand who hasn't wrestled with the same obsession. I know I sure wouldn't not have understood it until it happened to me.
It is extremely cold outside. I can feel this cold air even in the middle of this large heated building. There is no place to hide. It is what it is.
I am not sure what is going on. I am in this 'thing' again where I am slow…SLOW. My thinking, my actions, everything has slowed down. It is as though there is something drawing on my energy supply and it is draining it consistently, leaving me just enough to basically function.
It is a strange feeling. I tell myself this can't be happening and yet I am living in it, right now.
I've been here before and it usually means that something is brewing in my unconscious. It doesn't hurt per se, but it is not comfortable either.
I feel very detached from the world and yet somehow, on some subtle level, I am more in tune with the world. See what I mean? Strange. Paradoxical.
I have always felt that anything paradoxical is also true. Why I believe this, I don't know. I have yet to find an occasion where it wasn't true. There is plenty of time for that.
What has happened for this to unfold? I continue to study. In some ways, I am studying for a Ph.D of sorts. I am a student and I am studying reality. It is an 'Alice in Wonderland' experience of late.
The ideas that I am contemplating are as follows:
-Everything I see, is of the earth. All materials are from here. Previously, some (all?) of it is from the universe. Plastic cups, metal signs, the tiled floor, the material on this chair, the keys I am tapping on this computer…all from one source. And so am I and the lady sitting next to me, along with all the people and food in this huge cafe. ("The one wax takes many molds" -J. Campbell)
-We are all connected on a very real energy plane. Physics bears this out. This isn't a new-agey cuddly idea, it is true. E=mc2. String theory and M Theory, which some of the greatest minds of our age are contemplating. Why is this not front page news? Why isn't this being shouted from the rooftops? Because it is weird. Because in order to comprehend this, our life and perceptions must shift. It is not comfortable. Imagine what it was like the first time someone told some that the world was not flat? It seems flat. It also looks as though the sun is moving around us. Not true. It SEEMS as though we are all separate and most of us believe that something outside of this universe created it all. Why? Why isn't it reasonable to believe that everything here came from here? You eat from the earth, you walk on the earth, you breath the earth, some of us gave birth on the earth to more earth people.
-Jung said that he didn't know by what myth (story) he lived by and it was vital that he found out. How many of us are aware of the story we live by? Is it just the religion we believe in, is that the whole story? Is it the things your patents said or did, is that your story? Do you live in a story that is full of thoughts you thought when you were younger. "I am a loser" "I am unloveable" "I'll never have enough" "Something is wrong with me" "The world is a cruel place" "People love me" "We all need to be in couples" "I have to be good to get good things". I have no idea what my story is but I live it…I act it out. I am just becoming aware of my part, my role, and the roles I put everyone else in too. Do I see clearly, what this world is or do I pick and chose pieces to fit my story. A self-fulfilling prophecy, the term is called. In this way, we co-create our reality but act like a victim as we play it out.
-How can I be connected to all and be singular also? Paradox. In quantum physics, this is a fully accepted reality. It is a wave AND particle (wavicle) shaping into one form depending on the observer. The observer affects the reality, we CANNOT remove ourselves from the equation. We cannot hide or dismiss ourselves. What we think, say, feel and do AFFECTS the whole. We co-create who we are with what we think, say, feel and do. Is that powerful? Maybe..but more like scary. What a huge responsibility. We matter! (excuse the pun) If we take this personally, we inflate ourselves and think we are a god. If we take it as we are a tiny part of the whole, then we are part of god(or mystery or universe), responsible for our part.
-We can only find ourselves by losing ourselves. Paradox. I fear becoming nothing, lacking a personality, becoming like a lobotomized patient. I'll lose my individuality. This is the fear but I don't believe it is true. Still, I struggle to hold onto myself and my story of me, you and the world. I've put so much knowledge into my mind and now I want to deny it so I can continue doing what I want. Crazy and true. Paradox again.
This life long theme of wanting answers, needing answers, knowing that something is not quite right…I am not able to stop it. It is not as though I chose it, consciously anyway. We are born with things already in place. Some people are obsessed with animals, dancing, an ancient culture, flying, etc. Mine has been searching for the truth of what reality is. Is there one answer? What scares me is that recently I understand statements from various cultures, regions, time periods in a new way and I clearly see a theme. I am afraid of the theme. It means a total shift in my perceptions. I am not sure I am willing to do it. All these years, all the work and I am hesitating. Hesitating because it feels like death, a cold dark lonely death.
I've never been good at learning foreign languages but I have learned a new language, the language of symbols and metaphor. I understand sayings of Buddha, St. Francis, Rumi, Rilke, Jesus, the Upanishads, etc. I see it and at the same time I am squeezing my eyes shut and shaking my head, like a child. I want to stay in the dream…even though my life has been dedicated to pulling back the curtains of the dream to see reality.
Everything I have ever read assures me that beyond this fear is peace, that emptying will fill me up and, from death comes new life. I am frozen, petrified. I dare not move another inch.
What will this mean, moving further on the journey? Will I lose my mind? Is it part of the journey to lose one's mind to make room for a new mind, a connection to the universal mind?
(metaphorically-speaking folks)
The closer I get to the edge, the slower I go. Is this a mistake? Am I nuts? Is this for my benefit or for others or are they the same thing?
I fear even writing about all this. I am not sure anyone can understand who hasn't wrestled with the same obsession. I know I sure wouldn't not have understood it until it happened to me.
It is extremely cold outside. I can feel this cold air even in the middle of this large heated building. There is no place to hide. It is what it is.
Thursday, 2 January 2014
sheer fear
It's almost 4am. The temperature outside is 0. I can feel the cold pushing against every tiny crack. It is oozing through the floor. Amazing how cold is cold.
I woke up to the sound of an alarm. My son's Honda was blaring. The frigid temps did something to the car horn and it sounds like someone had their hand on the horn. I woke up my ex-husband who lives on the other side of the house and he went out and unhooked the battery.
I stood out there with a flashlight to help. It was COLD.
I am filled with dread and fear. The sub-freezing temps will be here for 2 days. A snow storm is coming. A local 16 year old boy had an accident the other day after a small snow storm. My boys have work for the next 3 days, driving 45 miles one way.
I am not sure how I feel about anything anymore. There doesn't seem to be time to deal with much as everyone in the house is busy.
I blame myself of course. Why can't I be the kind of person who roles with the punches and doesn't ask any big questions? What is is about me that is so drawn to the esoteric side of things? I wonder if I shouldn't push myself to be less…less me? Obviously that doesn't make any sense.
Is it me? What defines us anyway? What is our personality? Was I like this as a child?
As far as my memory goes, my oldest memories of myself are being unsure of myself. Even at 5 I can remember wanting my friends to like me, wanting to be put into the K-1 class rather than just the K class. Even then, I doubted myself, wanted to be other than I was or more than I was.
I recall being upset and scared about violence on TV. Not the stuff they show today, I mean fake fist fighting in Elvis Presley movies or on Bonanza. I would feel the feelings on the characters. I couldn't disengage and see that it wasn't happening in reality.
I vividly remember thinking about when I die and trying to figure out if everything (sun, moon, ground, grass, etc.) would go with me when I died. Then I realized I wouldn't, that only I would die and everything else would stay the same. This was a very sad realization for me.
I can't imagine other people not feeling this way too. I suppose that makes me prejudice? I assume everyone should be like me? I am happy for them that they are not. I don't think it is an easy road. Does anyone have it easy? Do all paths include suffering and despair?
I am looking at my Christmas tree with her pretty lights. A beautiful tree. At this moment, which is all there is, everything is fine. My sons are sleeping. There is food in the fridge. The wood stove is burning hot. We have electricity.
This is it.
Why the fear? Why the dread of another day?
I so want to escape, to run away. To where? How childish I am being, yes? I still want someone to protect me, someone to lean on, someone to depend on. I don't have a person like that although I am a person like that for my children. I don't know how I do it but I do.
I am trying to find out what is true. If we are all connected, there is no separation. If this life is only a fraction of life - if our souls go on after death - to what do I fear?
Unknowing? Failure?
I don't know what to do. I don't know why I feel as I do. I know many people are in more difficult situations than I am. I know that many of us suffer in silence and tell ourselves that this is just the way it is. I don't believe that. I believe there is another way. I just don't know what it is or how to get there.
It is frustrating being me. I am fighting, fighting, fighting and that can't be good, can it?
In Taoism, you are to align yourself with nature, with the natural flow of life. What does that look like and what if I get it wrong?
I assume being at peace would be part of it and if so, I am not flowing with nature.
One of the cats just jumped up on the top of the shelves and knocked over the wooden statue of St. Francis, breaking a small part of its left hand. This statue belonged to my dear friend Marjorie who died 2 years ago. Darn cat!
I put the heat on because the frigid cold air from the basement can be felt everywhere and the wood stove can't keep up with it.
I feel bewildered, stuck in between worlds somehow. I don't like it here. I am clueless. I am lost. I don't know who I am or who I am supposed to be anymore. It's been such a roller coaster these past few months. I, for one, am ready to get off and get back on solid ground.
I woke up to the sound of an alarm. My son's Honda was blaring. The frigid temps did something to the car horn and it sounds like someone had their hand on the horn. I woke up my ex-husband who lives on the other side of the house and he went out and unhooked the battery.
I stood out there with a flashlight to help. It was COLD.
I am filled with dread and fear. The sub-freezing temps will be here for 2 days. A snow storm is coming. A local 16 year old boy had an accident the other day after a small snow storm. My boys have work for the next 3 days, driving 45 miles one way.
I am not sure how I feel about anything anymore. There doesn't seem to be time to deal with much as everyone in the house is busy.
I blame myself of course. Why can't I be the kind of person who roles with the punches and doesn't ask any big questions? What is is about me that is so drawn to the esoteric side of things? I wonder if I shouldn't push myself to be less…less me? Obviously that doesn't make any sense.
Is it me? What defines us anyway? What is our personality? Was I like this as a child?
As far as my memory goes, my oldest memories of myself are being unsure of myself. Even at 5 I can remember wanting my friends to like me, wanting to be put into the K-1 class rather than just the K class. Even then, I doubted myself, wanted to be other than I was or more than I was.
I recall being upset and scared about violence on TV. Not the stuff they show today, I mean fake fist fighting in Elvis Presley movies or on Bonanza. I would feel the feelings on the characters. I couldn't disengage and see that it wasn't happening in reality.
I vividly remember thinking about when I die and trying to figure out if everything (sun, moon, ground, grass, etc.) would go with me when I died. Then I realized I wouldn't, that only I would die and everything else would stay the same. This was a very sad realization for me.
I can't imagine other people not feeling this way too. I suppose that makes me prejudice? I assume everyone should be like me? I am happy for them that they are not. I don't think it is an easy road. Does anyone have it easy? Do all paths include suffering and despair?
I am looking at my Christmas tree with her pretty lights. A beautiful tree. At this moment, which is all there is, everything is fine. My sons are sleeping. There is food in the fridge. The wood stove is burning hot. We have electricity.
This is it.
Why the fear? Why the dread of another day?
I so want to escape, to run away. To where? How childish I am being, yes? I still want someone to protect me, someone to lean on, someone to depend on. I don't have a person like that although I am a person like that for my children. I don't know how I do it but I do.
I am trying to find out what is true. If we are all connected, there is no separation. If this life is only a fraction of life - if our souls go on after death - to what do I fear?
Unknowing? Failure?
I don't know what to do. I don't know why I feel as I do. I know many people are in more difficult situations than I am. I know that many of us suffer in silence and tell ourselves that this is just the way it is. I don't believe that. I believe there is another way. I just don't know what it is or how to get there.
It is frustrating being me. I am fighting, fighting, fighting and that can't be good, can it?
In Taoism, you are to align yourself with nature, with the natural flow of life. What does that look like and what if I get it wrong?
I assume being at peace would be part of it and if so, I am not flowing with nature.
One of the cats just jumped up on the top of the shelves and knocked over the wooden statue of St. Francis, breaking a small part of its left hand. This statue belonged to my dear friend Marjorie who died 2 years ago. Darn cat!
I put the heat on because the frigid cold air from the basement can be felt everywhere and the wood stove can't keep up with it.
I feel bewildered, stuck in between worlds somehow. I don't like it here. I am clueless. I am lost. I don't know who I am or who I am supposed to be anymore. It's been such a roller coaster these past few months. I, for one, am ready to get off and get back on solid ground.
Wednesday, 1 January 2014
new year, old tears
I woke up and reminded myself it was the new year. I feel asleep around 11:30 last night. I could hear the end of "Miracle on 34th Street" that my sons were watching in the sunroom.
I feel asleep in 2013 wondering why things were what they were. My sons were hone only because they were 'grounded' for the day due to chores undone and outright lying by one of them.
I didn't get my quiet new years eve. Their punishment ended up being my punishment too.
I made a nice dinner. I made homemade dip and bought chips. I had a long tapered candle burning.
I asked them if they wanted to play cards or a game. No. Would you like to watch a movie? No.
I started to watch the above mentioned film and had trouble concentrating as I listened to my sons talk. Who were these guys? Have they forgotten how to relax as home? They have to be cool here too? I was disgusted. I said nothing What could I say?
About 75% into the movie, my oldest comes over and sits to watch the movie. I am not feeling good at this point and feel uneasy. After 15 minutes, I go to bed.
Today, I cooked a beautiful breakfast of french toast and thick bacon. I thought about not doing it but I wanted to stay with my plans. I set the table. Everything was done. When they woke up, they came in to eat. They didn't clean up after themselves. They started making plans for the day, a short hike and ski.
I took a shower and could feel myself ready to burst with anger. I took deep breaths.
Before I left, my son asked me if I was upset. I said that I wasn't' sure how to put it into words but that I was sad. I was really sad. I started to cry.
I am not sure what I said, not much. I told them I needed to go out for the day. I was sad about our family…or lack of it.
I drove off and sobbed while driving to nowhere. I finally pulled over because i was crying so hard. I sat in the cold car for almost an hour. "What do you want from me?!" I yelled. I sobbed some more. I made weird primitive noises as I cried and wondered what I was doing wrong to feel such suffering. I questioned myself. I thought about all the great noble ideas of philosophy. It was no help. There was no way out, no place to run to, no way to sooth myself.
I felt so alone. I felt so unloved.
I know I am not alone. I know many people suffer, emotionally, physically, psychologically. How do I help them all when I can't help myself?
What is my life about? What the hell am I doing? Why do I keep going? Why this constant pull to understand life and our place in it?
I read philosophy every day. I understand these big ideas but they don't love me back. I am so lonely. I wonder why I am alone. I know many people are alone but many people have a companion, a family, dear friends. How does all that work?
Some not-so-nice people are married, some kind people are alone. If we have love to share why can't we find a person to share it with? Is it so wrong, selfish to want love in return?
I do nice things for people and don't expect anything but I guess I do, I expect some form of appreciation. I need to stop doing that because it is hurting me.
How to be self-less? How to ignore the human feelings? How to give myself over to others and not want something for myself.
I meditate. I pray. I take walks in nature. I educate myself. Most days, it is enough. Some days, like today, it isn't. I want more.
How to stop wanting more? How do I stay in the moment and not argue with what is?
Why isn't my gratitude enough?
I feel as though I am in prison, a prison of myself. I can't get out of it. Everywhere I turn, there I am.
I want to think I am kind person but I am not. I want what I have always wanted, to be loved and to love someone. To join with someone in honestly and love. To be more than just me.
There are many many people who suffer. Today I was among them. I prayed for them. I hope tomorrow I can pray more for them and forget my own struggles. Self-preoccupation hurts. I don't want my life to be worthless. I want to help. I want to sooth. But I also want love.
"What do you want from me?!" Everything. (sigh)
I feel asleep in 2013 wondering why things were what they were. My sons were hone only because they were 'grounded' for the day due to chores undone and outright lying by one of them.
I didn't get my quiet new years eve. Their punishment ended up being my punishment too.
I made a nice dinner. I made homemade dip and bought chips. I had a long tapered candle burning.
I asked them if they wanted to play cards or a game. No. Would you like to watch a movie? No.
I started to watch the above mentioned film and had trouble concentrating as I listened to my sons talk. Who were these guys? Have they forgotten how to relax as home? They have to be cool here too? I was disgusted. I said nothing What could I say?
About 75% into the movie, my oldest comes over and sits to watch the movie. I am not feeling good at this point and feel uneasy. After 15 minutes, I go to bed.
Today, I cooked a beautiful breakfast of french toast and thick bacon. I thought about not doing it but I wanted to stay with my plans. I set the table. Everything was done. When they woke up, they came in to eat. They didn't clean up after themselves. They started making plans for the day, a short hike and ski.
I took a shower and could feel myself ready to burst with anger. I took deep breaths.
Before I left, my son asked me if I was upset. I said that I wasn't' sure how to put it into words but that I was sad. I was really sad. I started to cry.
I am not sure what I said, not much. I told them I needed to go out for the day. I was sad about our family…or lack of it.
I drove off and sobbed while driving to nowhere. I finally pulled over because i was crying so hard. I sat in the cold car for almost an hour. "What do you want from me?!" I yelled. I sobbed some more. I made weird primitive noises as I cried and wondered what I was doing wrong to feel such suffering. I questioned myself. I thought about all the great noble ideas of philosophy. It was no help. There was no way out, no place to run to, no way to sooth myself.
I felt so alone. I felt so unloved.
I know I am not alone. I know many people suffer, emotionally, physically, psychologically. How do I help them all when I can't help myself?
What is my life about? What the hell am I doing? Why do I keep going? Why this constant pull to understand life and our place in it?
I read philosophy every day. I understand these big ideas but they don't love me back. I am so lonely. I wonder why I am alone. I know many people are alone but many people have a companion, a family, dear friends. How does all that work?
Some not-so-nice people are married, some kind people are alone. If we have love to share why can't we find a person to share it with? Is it so wrong, selfish to want love in return?
I do nice things for people and don't expect anything but I guess I do, I expect some form of appreciation. I need to stop doing that because it is hurting me.
How to be self-less? How to ignore the human feelings? How to give myself over to others and not want something for myself.
I meditate. I pray. I take walks in nature. I educate myself. Most days, it is enough. Some days, like today, it isn't. I want more.
How to stop wanting more? How do I stay in the moment and not argue with what is?
Why isn't my gratitude enough?
I feel as though I am in prison, a prison of myself. I can't get out of it. Everywhere I turn, there I am.
I want to think I am kind person but I am not. I want what I have always wanted, to be loved and to love someone. To join with someone in honestly and love. To be more than just me.
There are many many people who suffer. Today I was among them. I prayed for them. I hope tomorrow I can pray more for them and forget my own struggles. Self-preoccupation hurts. I don't want my life to be worthless. I want to help. I want to sooth. But I also want love.
"What do you want from me?!" Everything. (sigh)
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