and so it begins...

Okie dokie, a new blog.

This comes at a good time since everything in my life has been tossed in the air.  I am mid-trauma.
Who knows how this turns out.

In the move "Shakespeare in Love"  the Geoffrey Rush character has a reoccurring line when everything is most in chaos and there seems to be no way out but he declares it will turn out well.
When people ask "How?" he replies:

"I don't know. It's a mystery"

I too don't know and indeed, it is a mystery.

In the past 3 weeks I have had the rug pulled out from under me and I have lived in panic.  I've moved out of my home where I have lived for 11 years. (That is longest time I have ever lived anywhere!)
I have no access to money or credit.  My 18 year old continues to be...well, 18!

The universe has pounded away at me for almost a month and still I breathe.  Amazing!

So be careful what you ask for, you might get it.

I've been studying Tibetan Buddhism pretty intensely since my Italy trip in May.  I've been wondering about owning less and dropping out of the rush,rush matrix of life.

Here is my opportunity to apply all I have studied.  What is important in my life?

The curtains have been pulled back and I am seeing things that I didn't want to see: truths.

I've been humbled.  I've been yanked out of my day-to-day existence.  This will end up being a gift, I know, but for now I suffer the pangs of panic.  My body reacts as though trauma has cut her wide open.

I have been cut open.  I am post-surgery at this point.  Yes, yes that explains the physical manifestations.  I've been cut open to be set free?

It is a mystery.

I don't want to get into all the details but in one day, I lost everything.   Everything that I thought was important was taken away.  I thought I' die.  I didn't.

I am still here.

There were days when I had to talk out loud to myself from drifting off into some other place...like a hospital so I could mumble and drool.  I really felt that close to snapping, psychologically speaking.
It was too much, too quickly and I couldn't process it.  I found myself saying "This can't be happening,"  and shaking my head from side to side.  But it was happening, it was.

I have reached out for help. I have a enough money for food and gas for another month.  My youngest son has been a big help too.

Their father (my ex) has done a complete 180 degree turnaround about agreements we made.  It is what it is.

I don't want to fight anymore.  I don't want a lawyer.  I want peace.

I know that the money, the house, the things he wants, will not bring him happiness.  I've been able to pray for him throughout this highly stressful time.  That, is new for me.  In the past I would have been furious and had hundreds of arguments in my head, wishing him wrong, wishing him suffering.

Even at the height of this stress, when I cried so hard my body ached, I prayed for him:
May he know peace, may he be free from suffering.

I am doing things differently, very!

I think (HOPE) I am just beginning to move outside the eye of this storm.

Today I realized that I have been given a great gift: relieved from paying bills, paying taxes, cleaning the house, be responsible for everything.  I have been given a clean slate to begin again.

I had a momentary glance at the possibilities that have opened up for me.  I also realize that I need to rest.  I need to stay still.  I need to heal from the 'surgery' rather than do what I always do: Run around being organized and rush, rush, rush to fix everything for everybody.

My lesson is this:  Slow down, feel, see, listen, trust.

How does this all work out?  It is a mystery.  I don't know.